All this month we’re playing clips from favorite episodes of 2024. Each week, a different member of our team will choose one episode to look back on, and we’ll talk about why it was one of their favorites.Today we are talking about one of Robert’s favorite episodes, Finding Peace in Singleness with Robert, Elizabeth and Amber.
If you’re a single parent, you probably didn’t choose to be a single parent (and even if you did, you’ll still want to stay tuned). Being single can be lonely, especially during the holidays. Is there a way to come to a place being at peace in your singleness, even though you have a desire to share your life with someone?
I (Elizabeth) bought a house recently and that gave me this sense of independence and excitement about where I am in my life right now. And there’s a lot that obviously would be helpful in maintaining a home to be able to have a man to do—fix a leaky shower or whatever—but, I’m good. I’m grateful for all the little pockets of friends I have in my life who genuinely care about me and want to know how I’m doing. Just the fact that I have a pool of people that I can go to and share life with—I love where I am right now.
The reason I (Robert) chose this topic is because it’s one of the cornerstone pieces of what Solo Parent is about: Having a sense of peace. It won’t necessarily mean that the circumstances are perfect, but it is possible to get to a place of peace in our singleness.
[Begin Clip]
Waiting on God’s Provision
I (Amber) said earlier that finding peace and contentment still can involve deep longing. And I really believe that. When I think about this, I’m coming from my faith perspective very specifically. And Paul talks about it in the Bible; he knew what it was to be in need. He knew what it was to have plenty. Yet he had learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I’m well fed or I’m hungry, so you haven’t gotten what you might need or want. But he says he’s still able to be content. And I think about that for myself. I am at peace most of the time, but the longing for connection is very real for me. That longing does not disappear. Right now, I would say that I’m hungry—never go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. So I don’t swipe on the dating apps when I’m like, Oh, I really don’t want to be single anymore. That’s the worst time. But in awareness, we get to have our desires and God doesn’t ask us to abandon those. Instead he invites us to bring them to him and trust him for his provision.
I (Robert) totally agree with that. We live in a society right now that feels so self-sufficient. Yesterday, I went to go and feed my dog, Franklin. He eats dry kibble, And I opened up the container that his kibble is in and I saw a mouse in his food. I took the dog food outside and put it down and the mouse jumped away. As I replaced the food, I’m thinking, Okay, Franklin is really hungry. I could just give him tainted food. But who knows what that mouse was doing in there? He needs to wait a little bit longer and then I’ll give him some clean food. As a dog, all he knows is, I’m hungry and I want food. And that’s kind of where we are when God is going, “I could give it to you, but it’s toxic.”
When we started Solo Parent, we needed funding. We needed to get going. And I’m like, I need this. I’m so glad we didn’t get what we thought we needed at that time. Because it wasn’t right. And it helps me kind of see: We may not have what we want, but if we trust God, we’re getting what we need. When I feel very hungry, I don’t want tainted toxic food. I want God’s provision. I want to wait for that.
There’ll always be something more that we want. Our nature as humans is to always want more. And once we get the thing we think that we’re longing for and hoping for, then it’s like, Oh wait, my eyes open up to more that’s happening over here. Well, I don’t have that. Did I not hold out long enough? Did I just get the toxic kibble?
[End Clip]
I (Robert) think it’s such an important reminder that it’s not just about being single or being lonely. We always gravitate towards wanting more. I think about the kibble illustration. I know it sounds really silly, but my dog was hungry, and what he wanted was the kibble, but that’s not what he needed. God knew what the mouse dropped in that kibble! It is a good reminder to us that things that we want, if we put too much stock in them, they can either be toxic, like the toxic kibble, or they can become idols. We think that being single is this detriment, and being with someone or having a spouse almost becomes something that we worship. And I think a lot of single parents fall into that trap (at least initially).
I (Elizabeth) was telling someone recently that it was almost like I had to learn how to be lonely in a healthy way. And once I got to a healthy place and dealt with it in the right way, it overtook the need to search and find something. It was a long journey of healing and grieving, but I can say now, sitting here today, that even in the times that I do feel lonely, it’s not devastating like it was before.
I have lots of healthy things that can fill that void or that hole. And sometimes it’s me and God, sometimes it’s me and friends. Sometimes it’s just me with me. Sometimes it’s me and my child. It just depends. But being able to see that and not let loneliness spin me out of control—it’s helped me get to a place of peace with being single.
God is Up to Something Bigger
Sometimes you can only see the benefits of being single in retrospect, but my singleness actually reframed who I (Robert) am.
I’ve been learning about the children of Israel, the Israelites, as they had just come out of Egypt and they’re wandering around and I’m seeing how God was developing this story in them. And it wouldn’t be developed if they were just back in Egypt or if there was a quick exit to the promised land. It’s in that season of not having what we think we want, that God really helps us understand how we can trust him and trust the story and trust that he will provide.
When I look back on my time as a single person after my divorce, it was really difficult and there were times (especially around the holidays) that I felt very alone. But I will say it was the most important thing that I’ve ever gone through, and it absolutely redefined my story. It changed my trajectory. That’s why, every single week, at the beginning of the podcast, say, “There’s hope. Not just hope you’re going to get through it, but you can be transformed if you’re deliberate about it.” And so that’s why I think this idea of having peace with singleness is like saying, “No, there’s a bigger story unraveling here.”
And looking back, I (Elizabeth) wanted to fill that hole because I thought if I can just have another person to share this life with then things will be a lot easier and things won’t hurt as badly. I just wanted to fill the void when, actually, that wasn’t the issue.There were much deeper things that I needed to work on—from childhood, from my marriage, different trauma. And I know it would’ve hindered me from being able to dig deeper into those things because I wouldn’t have been forced to look in the mirror. I would’ve had somebody else to look at and blame.
An Exclusive Season
I (Robert) am glad you brought that up because that is a huge distinction for me. The word “solo” in Italian means exclusive. And I think so much of what you just touched on is dead on. Not only are we uncovering the story of what God is doing in this season that feels like a wasteland, but it is this exclusive time of intimate relationship with God where you start doing inner work that you probably wouldn’t do if you were in a relationship with another person. That’s what it was for me. And so, I started seeing this season of being single as my “solo season,”—my exclusive season—which means God was working on me and those innermost wounds from childhood or from dynamics and relationships and all the things that we carry along with us that I don’t think I would’ve uncovered if I would’ve been in a relationship.
And that’s another one of the beautiful things that comes out of singleness. A lot of people might define the season of being single as just a barren season, a season of being without, but it can actually be the richest season of our life where God is building something far better [in us] than had we not been in that season. That’s why this episode is really important to me.
A lot of times, when you talk about making peace with something, I think of coming to terms with something. I don’t think it’s that at all. Having peace with singleness is knowing that there’s a much bigger story happening and there’s much deeper work that’s happening inside of you.
Listener Question
What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve done while trying to juggle parenting and having a moment to yourself, like hiding in the pantry to eat snacks so your kids don’t see or pretending to take a long shower just to get some peace?
I (Robert) don’t know how ridiculous this is, and I don’t know if anyone else has done this, but this is full confession here: I can remember a time when things were like, “Dad, I need this” and “Dad, I need that”—and I would pick up my phone and act like I was getting a phone call. I’d point at the girls and go, “Just a second. I need to take this call.” And I’d walk into the bedroom and close the door and just try to take a breath. And I don’t know if that’s ridiculous or just dishonest, but that’s one of the more blatant things that I did.
I (Elizabeth) only have one kid and he’s pretty chill, and I’m just honest with him and say, “Hey, I need a minute.” And then I just go to my room and lock the door. But taking an extra long shower has definitely been one—or had the shower running and laying on my bed reading a book or something.
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We are a community first and foremost and, especially during this holiday season, I would highly recommend you not isolate. We have groups that happen every single day of the week and we have amazing leaders from around the world and around the country that lead these groups for single parents—and it doesn’t cost a thing.
Guiding Verse
“So do not fear for I’m with you. Do not be dismayed. For I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
