Let’s be honest. One of the hardest things about parenting—especially solo parenting—is when your child is mad at you. Not just irritable. Not just cranky. But mad. Like, deep-sighs, door-slamming, eye-rolling kind of mad.
It can feel like a gut-punch. Sometimes, it triggers our own stuff—old wounds, fears of failure, that sinking “I must be screwing this up” spiral.
But here’s the truth: anger is not the enemy. It’s a signal. And when we start seeing it that way, we can move from reacting to responding. That’s what this episode is all about.
We’re going to explore three core ideas:
1. Why our kids really get angry
2. What we can actually do when they are
3. How to keep our side of the street clean
1. Why Our Kids Get Angry (It’s Not What You Think)
Our kids are small humans with very big feelings—and far fewer tools than we have to manage them.
Anger is often a cover for something deeper. More often than not, it’s fear. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of change. Fear of not being enough.
Take school anxiety. When we hold a boundary like “you have to get up and go,” it can set off a fear-response that looks like rage. It’s not that they’re mad at you. They’re overwhelmed—and don’t have the words to say it.
Or maybe they’re not feeling heard. Like when Jax wanted something and got shut down with a “Nope.” His anger wasn’t just defiance—it was about voice. About wanting to feel like he mattered.
Anger can also signal a passion for change. Psychologist Chip Dodd says anger is the feeling that tells us “something needs to be different.” It’s not always destructive—it can be constructive.
Then there’s the classic reason: boundaries. As kids get older, they should push back. It’s how they figure out where limits are. It’s frustrating, sure—but it’s normal and even healthy.
Sometimes the anger is attention-seeking. And sometimes, it’s a symptom of trauma or sadness. We shared stories of our own kids hiding things—substance use, anxiety, loneliness. Behind the outburst is a cry: Do you see me? Can you help me make sense of this world?
2. How to Respond When They’re Mad
When a child is angry, the temptation is to fix it fast. But quick fixes often miss the mark.
Instead, we can start by simply acknowledging: “Of course you’re mad.”
Let them have their feelings. It doesn’t mean we agree. It means we’re validating their experience.
One helpful tool? The R.E.V. method:
• Reflect – “You sound really upset.”
• Empathize – “I know how that feels.”
• Validate – “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
Another key? Listen without interrupting.
So often we’re just waiting for our turn to talk—or to correct. But kids, just like us, want a safe place to land. A soft place where their voice matters.
Get curious, not controlling. “You seem off today. What’s going on?” That kind of gentle wondering invites connection.
And sometimes? They just need to punch a pillow or yell into a couch. Let ’em. It’s part of learning how to process emotion in a safe way.
3. Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean
We say this all the time: you can only control your part. That’s it.
When our kids are angry, it can be tempting to meet fire with fire—or cave out of guilt. But our job isn’t to win. It’s to stay grounded.
Think of it like this: you’re a thermostat, not a thermometer. You set the tone. You don’t just react to theirs.
Mel Robbins talks about the Let Them Theory. Let them do what they’re going to do—and let me do what I can do. That’s the key to healthy boundaries.
Sometimes, that means not joining them in the emotional cyclone. Stay in your adult self. You can be present without being enmeshed.
And sometimes you have to enforce standards with grace. Like when Jax made a snarky comment. The response? “Please don’t talk to me that way.” Then, when he apologized, the reply was simple: “Thank you. I forgive you.”
Firm. Kind. Clear. No drama.
Final Thoughts
Your child’s anger doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means they’re human.
It’s not a cue to retreat or overcorrect. It’s an invitation to connect.
Stay curious. Stay steady. Stay grounded.
You’ve got this.
