Everyone who has trauma has triggers, and that would be 100% of us. I don’t think there is anyone in this world who doesn’t have trauma. So naturally our children can often push those buttons and trigger a strong response from us, like disgust. And single parents don’t have a backup person to help out. When this happens, we might be overwhelmed and we react to triggers instead of responding. And a lot of times it doesn’t go well. We’re going to talk through what we do when our children trigger us and how we can use them to our benefit. None of us are immune from being triggered by our kids. And to help you get through those triggers, you’re going to learn how to define triggers. You’re going to learn ways to navigate through those triggers and the healing power of triggers. 

Alright, to start us off, let’s talk about defining triggers. What do we mean when we say this?

When my son was about seventh grade, two years after his dad died, we were in the kitchen and he said something was probably a little disrespectful because seventh grade boys … and instantly the response from me was immediate and terrible threat, danger. I need to yell, scream, kick, I’m not okay, the world needs to end kind of response. Well, he had just said something, so why am I experiencing this? And if I was in my right mind, I’d be looking at him saying, “Tt’s a cute little kid. I love this child. Why do I feel this way towards him?”

So it’s that action that somebody does or even something passive that triggers an emotional response that’s probably not actually warranted because there’s probably something going on. And in this case, what Colton had done was reminding me of something his father did. And all of a sudden I was feeling like, “Oh, I’m going to be back there. I’m going to have to be subjected to all of this.” My fear, my anxiety, everything was coming up wasn’t because of what Colton was doing in that moment—it’s because of what had happened in so many moments past.

I can relate to that too. There are times where I’ve been triggered even recently where there’s something that my parents did or something that happened when I grew up, and it has nothing to do with Jax even, but something will happen where it brings up some sort of fear that reminds me of something that happened in my childhood. And I was thinking about how I didn’t have stability as a child. We moved every year. There were lots of these things happening throughout my life.  I’ve tried so hard to create a stable life where we’re not uprooted all the time. We don’t have these big major life changes that Jax is having to go through. And if there’s anything I’ve noticed that kind of rocks the boat of our stability now, I get triggered, which has nothing to do with him, obviously, but it’s something in our life that’s happening that’s like, “Oh, nope. I can’t do it. Don’t want to do that.” And so it doesn’t even necessarily have to be something that the child says or does. It could just be a life circumstance in our environment that triggers something from the past that can make us kind of get a little wonky.

And that’s why we wanted to cover this topic because it’s one thing to be in a relationship and feel triggered by a behavior that someone’s doing, but when it’s coming out of our kids, it’s hard to know. It’s not their fault. But I know for me, when one of my daughters was going through a rebellious stage, her behavior triggered so much of what I experienced with her mom. I did a terrible job of guiding her through some of that rebellion because I was triggered in that moment and [was] retelling myself the story of how this ends or what this means. And that’s why it can be surprising when it’s our kids that actually trigger us. It’s not an adult relationship, but the smallest thing can set us off.

Bill was dead, but I still had these emotions and I wanted somebody to pay for him. So if Colton was doing something, the initial response was, “Yeah, I make him pay.” But as a parent, I could totally make Colton pay and that’s an abuse of power. And so I would have to stop myself—there were times I literally left the house (he was either old enough or had other parents there) and called somebody and was like, “Please help me deal with this. I can’t. It needs to be addressed, but the emotional state I’m in right now, I can’t do it. I knew I needed to protect my child.” And it can be anything too that triggers us. It could be a smell, your child could put on his dad’s deodorant, and it’s like all of a sudden, “What is that smell?” And I don’t feel safe. So it doesn’t even have to be a look or a sentiment, a phrase. It’s just anything that causes responsiveness. It’s not necessarily commiserate with what’s happening.

I was in a group talking about bad grades and what that brings up for us if our kids get bad grades, and just talking about the fear of that and what does that mean? And the group leader was like, “Alright, let’s play this out.” And I know I’ve talked about this before where you ask yourself those fear questions. So your worst fear happens—then what? All this to say is you can get down the road 40 years and tell yourself that because they got an F on the test you’re going to end up in a ditch somewhere begging for money. So it doesn’t even, again, have to be words that they say or a mannerism or a physical response or even a smell. It could be that they get an F on the test and you’re triggered—it’s an involuntary response. It just happens. I would say, “Oh, Colton’s doing this behavior. He’s acting like his father. He’s going to end up dead at 38. I can’t have that.” That’s catastrophizing. That’s not healthy thinking. But my brain just goes from zero to 90 in no time.

How do we navigate these triggers and what to do about them?

The big thing is become more self-aware of your triggers. And this is something that I’m working on right now. I’ve started a list in my notes to write down when I’m triggered and what the trigger is. One that I’ve realized just this week is when I feel powerless, I get really triggered, and I’m starting to uncover what happens: How do I react? How do I get manipulative? How do I get controlling? And so I think the big thing is to be self-aware. Notice what’s happening in your body. If you notice that your heart is racing, not everyone will be able to notice this. The great thing is we have the opportunity for repair with our kids if it does come out on them. But we can walk away and kind of get our bearings, see what happened, ask ourselves those questions, take inventory, and notice what happened. Did you go into fight, flight or freeze? Where did you go with it? And be able to manage it in that way. 

I was in counseling yesterday and we’re in the process of possibly bringing our nephew into our house to live with us for a couple of years, and the conversation went to how do we establish boundaries and that kind of thing. Our tendency is to want to rescue or to help. And so in this particular case, we were talking about rescuing, but I can see this as you’re triggered, the first thing she said to do was exactly what you’re saying: What’s going on inside? Because there’s a deeper thing going on. And recognize this isn’t about my daughter, it’s not about my son, without analyzing the thought of it, the rationalization of it. What am I feeling right now and where am I feeling it and what is that attached to? What’s it trying to tell me? That’s a great place to start. And that may take time too. Because if I feel like my heart racing or my anxiety’s up, the first thing I’ll do is go straight to my head and look at what’s happening around me or happened around me and try to make it logical or make it like, “Oh, well, of course you’re feeling anxious because X, Y, and Z” when I didn’t actually sit with it for long enough to find out what it actually is. I just start thinking about it and overthinking what it could be versus digging in and sitting with it. 

One of the things I noticed several years ago was I was more of a big sister to Jax than a mom. And I’m the oldest of five, and I was basically a mom. But I wasn’t supposed to be a mom at 13, 14, 15 years old … and those things would come back up with Jax. And what I realized is that I was being more of his big sister versus his mom. I was letting him have either equal power or power over me, either because I was guilty, feeling that he didn’t have the perfect family or I just didn’t know how to be. And I was reverting back to being a big sister without even realizing it. And that’s not serving him. It’s not serving our relationship. It’s not serving me as his mom. And when I say the word power, I don’t mean overpower or the inappropriate use of power. I just mean I have the opportunity here to say, “Here’s what’s best for our family. Here are the correct boundaries to put in place. Here are the wise decisions that need to be made for my adult self” versus me just popping back into these reactionary things that were happening. 

I found myself probably around middle school with my kids noticing that I would sometimes get really frustrated when they would do things because I had this strange dynamic that I couldn’t stop them. Strange thought that I couldn’t stop this from happening. And I would have to tell myself, “You’re the parent here, you can say ‘no,’ and that’s okay. And they have to accept no.” And then I’d have these moments of, “Well, I feel a little guilty being able to say no like that.” No, that’s the job of a parent. So I think getting that balance of power can be very, very helpful. 

If we take the time to go,”Okay, what is this about? What am I feeling here?” then what are some other things that we can do to manage triggers?

You need to understand that next layer down. So it’s not just, “Okay, I’m upset about that,” but it’s also “Am I worried here about what other people are going to think?” “If this behavior happened in private, would I care as much as if it did when it’s in public?” “Or am I just worried that I might have to tell their dad’s mom that they failed this class” and that could be really embarrassing to me and I’m more concerned about what she’s going to think than I am concerned about what’s actually driving my son’s behavior or his failure.

Once you deal with the feelings, it’s important to go back into the thoughts and think about, “Are there things I was punished for [like this] when I was a kid? Or am I making the child’s behavior about me?” I wanted to protect my girls from making any wrong moves. I didn’t want them to end up in the same situation that I saw their mom. So it wasn’t really about the specific behavior in and of itself, isolated. It was because I was triggered and feeling fear of not just what other people would think, but also the outcomes we’re talking about.

If it’s hard to ask yourself those questions because you aren’t calm. One of the first things you have to do is set a boundary with yourself. And even if you have already overreacted, that’s fine. It takes practice to be able to get some of these things nipped. And so being able to walk away and knowing within yourself, you’re going to tell, set the boundary with your child and say, “Listen, I’m not calm right now. I need to walk away. I need some time.” And then get calm before you even start asking yourself these questions. Because even in that state of being overly emotional, you’re not going to tell yourself the truth. You’re going to have things that come up, and there may be some things that you become aware of in that, but without having that calm sense of presence and that calm mind, you’re not going to be able to really get to the root root of things. 

If you were to say something is triggering you and you realize that your emotions are heightened, what do you do to calm? 

Just breathing. Box breathing. Four in, hold for four, let out six, four in hold for four, let out six and do that for probably five minutes. But an interesting thing that I heard on podcast is that those big overwhelming emotions that come up and cause us to react typically last no more than 90 seconds. I’ve been noticing how long it takes for it to kind of simmer down and come out or not feel as big as it did. And it’s true, and it may not be a full 90 seconds, but even just having that awareness that this is only going to last for 90 seconds, helps me know, just get through the next 90 seconds and I’ll be able to move on from there and hopefully make some better decisions.

I like to step away and distract myself. So if it’s my child on the other side, I really want to respect that relationship. As my children are a little bit older, they’ll even start saying, “Hey, why are you being grumpy?” before I get to that point. And then I’ll be like, “Okay, I need to put myself on a silence timeout.” It doesn’t mean I have to be out of the room, but it may mean I just need to say, “We’re not saying any words for another three minutes, no matter how we feel.” But I find distraction helps too, even if it’s playing a cheesy game on my phone or thinking about a different problem my brain can just worry about, and then once it’s calmed down, I can go and start solving the [other] problem. I do also have to remind myself that when my kids were little, the time to discipline them or to respond to something that they did needed to be pretty immediate. If it’s a 2-year-old, he doesn’t remember five minutes later that he did something he wasn’t supposed to. But if you’re talking about a 10-year-old or a 15-year-old, they can remember until you’re done being that mad if there’s something you need to address and there’s no reason you can’t go back and think through what is an appropriate response to this. How would I feel if I wasn’t being triggered by this? What is the threat to my child? He wore his dad’s deodorant, oh, that’s all about me. I need to get that under control. He stole the deodorant from his brother, creating a crisis. That’s a different situation that I need to take time to say, “Hey, why would you treat your brother that way?” and have a calm conversation. But to Elizabeth’s point, if I’m in that fight or flight amygdala zone, I’m not going to process through this correctly. So why am I even going to try to do that right here?

I read this article … and your brain cannot focus on two things at the same time. You might feel like it can, you can multitask or whatever, but if you’re really focused on something, which happens when you’re triggered, focus on something else. So in this particular case, as you’re flying, one of the things was just rub your hand on your jeans and just pay attention. And this guided meditation was like, “What does the texture feel like on your hands?” And I remember doing this when we were in severe turbulence, and it was remarkable … I noticed that your mind can’t be in two places at one time.

There was a time that I was triggered pretty heavily, not by my child, and I removed myself from the situation and went to the bathroom. I was at a beach-like restaurant, and there were fish and bubbles painted on the walls. And so I stood there and I counted all the blue fish, and then I counted all the red fish, and then I started counting bubbles. But using counting, doing the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 thing, five things you can see, four things you can hear,  three things you can smell or just counting, noticing all the blue things in the room … is a really good way for you to get out of that amygdala space and get to a point where the emotions don’t feel so big. Start stair stepping your way back into logical thinking so that you can be grounded enough to approach a situation when you can

One thing that’s helped me is getting outside, literally outside. So if I’m in the middle of an argument or getting triggered, just going out in nature, if you can go barefoot and put your feet in the grass or whatever. If you can get yourself out of the situation, break that cycle, I think it’s tremendously helpful to navigate.

The other day I was triggered and it was nothing related to Jax, but he had forgotten his coat. As we’re recording, we are in some of the coldest days of the winter right now. And school was out and he left his coat at school. And so I laid into him a little bit. I was like, “If you forget anything, do not forget your coat, especially on days like this. It’s 10 degrees outside.” So anyway, I was dealing with something hard at that point too, and we got in the car to go somewhere, and I noticed that he had been pretty quiet, and I was not in a good way—not because of his coat, but because of other things. I thought, “I bet he thinks I’m mad at him for his coat.” So I told him, “Hey, listen, my attitude right now has nothing to do with your coat. That’s long gone. We’re done. You understand? Don’t forget your coat again. That’s fine. It’s something to do with other things.” He was like, “Well, what does it have to do with?” and I told him a little bit of age appropriate [information] and I was like, “But I just don’t want you to think it’s about you.” And he was very understanding and that was all fine. All that to say, if you are triggered, if you are having a moment where it has nothing to do with the child, go ahead and tell them; it doesn’t hurt anything. It’s only going to help them feel a little bit more at ease and be able to carry on with themselves and not be triggered and traumatized.

The healing power of triggers

Feeling triggered by your kids doesn’t mean that you failed. It’s actually a sign pointing to deeper layers within you that are waiting to be understood and healed. And I can attest to this. I love the fact that we’re landing here because there is healing that can come from our triggers. 

I think the big thing is you can’t blame yourself. You have to know that these are all coming from old wounds, old things that are popping up. Maybe it’s bumping up against your values or against something you actually do firmly believe in and your child’s not acting on a value that you have for your family. So not all things are triggers necessarily, but having the wherewithal to be able to sit with that and say, “This is what it is and this is where it’s coming from” is so huge. And just really about breaking free from those old patterns.

I think there’s a silver lining in triggers. When my husband first died, he serviced a whole lot of vet clinics around town, so I’d be driving my kids someplace and see a place he worked and, it would trigger grief, it would trigger sadness. But the more I drove past those and the more nobody else died, the more I got used to it. So there was this instinct in me to go a back way, so I didn’t have to see those vet practices. But I forced myself. I was like, “No, we’re going to go buy these and we’re going to see that nothing bad happens. And when your child does something that’s triggering you, it actually is an opportunity for you to see whatever it was that triggered you play out in a different light because the power dynamic has shifted or the whole scenario is different or whatever it is. This is not that situation that created that trigger. 

Colton is now in his first year in college, but from that seventh grade Colton to this college-aged Colton, we learned where he doesn’t trigger me a whole lot. He could do things and I just am kind of like “Whatever.” So he provided for me an opportunity to actually heal from some of the things that Bill did, and honestly to see some of that stuff as not as big of a deal as I thought it was in the moment then because even when I was reacting to something Bill may have done, it was probably a trigger from somewhere behind that. And so poor Bill got the short end of that stick. He didn’t get to see me healed through a lot of this. But if we do allow ourselves to play out some of these stories that we’ve been talking about—”What does this actually mean? Why am I upset about this?” we can get to where we’ve worked through it and these triggers don’t bother us and we can see healing in areas, not just becoming better parents, but we can see healing in relationships with significant others or others in our lives.

There are situations I saw in my daughters that reminded me of their mom, and I never really said that. I just recognized that those triggers were inside of me. I never said to them, “You’re just like your mom.” But I know that they saw enough to know that that was kind of part of the worry that I carried—what happened with her mom. And by my oldest saying, “I’m just going to end up just like my mom,” allowed me to kind of address the elephant in the room. She has said that to me a couple of times, and I don’t know if she’s just feeling it from me or if it’s just so self-evident, but it allowed us an opportunity to heal and for me to be able to say, “You’re not just like your mom. And if we’re all dealing with addiction issues, yes, that is hereditary, and yes, you’ve got to be very careful, but you are your own person.” And so I think one of the other healing properties that can come from triggers is that if we pay attention to it and we handle it in the right way, it brings to the surface our fears and things that overwhelmingly feel negative and big, not just with us, but our kids. We’ve got to remember, they’re feeding off our energy as well. And so they can see when we are kind of triggered that we have to take a time out or we have to go breathe and whatever. They’re left to their own conclusions of rolling that out. But if you can address this in an age appropriate way, it can actually really help repair and build even a stronger relationship with your kids. 

It’s kind of a scary thought to think that my triggers could be creating triggers in my children. So this is good you talked about trying to stop that cycle. Reversing the life for them. Not only are we helping them not develop the triggers that are triggering us or creating new triggers for them, them, feeling like they have to walk on eggshells. But on top of that, there’s a little bit of almost re-parenting ourselves in there too with how we respond to our kids. Because I was never sat down and apologized to for the things that happened even still today. And so me being able to show up for Jax and say, “Hey, this actually has nothing to do with you, and I’m really sorry that I reacted the way I did” provides that healing you’re talking about. But that interaction alone also feels really healing for me too, that I now get to do that for my child and for myself—to sit down and say, “Hey, that has nothing to do with you.” And how Jax reacts when I come to him for repair with all the preciousness that he has in him and how he gives me all the grace in the world. And when I come to him and say, “I’m really sorry,” that’s healing too. So it’s like just this healing on healing on healing. I feel like if you take advantage of the opportunity of triggers, they are an opportunity to grow and heal.

And it’s ultimately, whether it’s triggers from our kids or others, learning to have healthy copes and healthy repair is always a good thing. So a lot of times we try to repress things that make us feel uncomfortable. And I think what we’re saying here more than anything is whether it comes from our kids or elsewhere, but with this specific topic we’re talking about our kids, don’t be surprised. Don’t run from it. Step into it. Recognize what’s going on inside. 

Takeaways

1. A trigger is normal. It’s something that happens in the present even from our kids that activates an old wound from the past and usually from our childhood, or it could have been our past relationship that we’re no longer in. 
2. When you identify triggers, it is a huge part of learning how to manage them. So it starts with self-awareness, it starts with that piece. 
3. When we pay attention to heal our triggers, it also helps heal ourselves and our relationship with our kids. And ultimately it brings us into more alignment with God in my mind. I mean, it has been really important as a parent to go, okay, I’m actually not perfect and I’m all over the map and I really need to be able to own that stuff and recognize that it’s not my kid’s fault, it’s not. It’s just some stuff I just need to get healed.

Listener Question: How do I stop feeling guilty when I have to say no to my kids?

Is that even possible—to not feel guilty when you say no? I mean, I think that guilt’s going to be there for me. I have to picture what’s on the other side of no and what’s on the other side of yes. And know that they’re better off. And so I’m going to use an example with my pets, not my children. I have two dogs and one of the dogs, if she eats anything that is not dog food, she will spend 48 hours violently throwing up and shaking. She’s probably got pancreatitis. And so you’ve made some chicken and both dogs are begging for food and you give some chicken to one of the dogs and you really want to give chicken to the other dog, and her puppy dog eyes are looking at you, and she’s so super cute. But you have to say no, because otherwise both of you are up for 48 miserable hours and nobody is happy. And you know that “no” is what’s actually best for her now. And I just have to keep chanting to myself, “I love you and that’s why I’m doing this. This ‘no’ is my love for you.” So I share that because it’s a more extreme example, but it’s the same kind of thing when my child wants to drive in the snow before he’s ready. No, because I love you. I know you really, really want it. And I may have to keep saying no and no, no, no, no, no. He doesn’t like to hear it and then I go back in the back room and cry because I hated saying no so much. But I have to keep my eye on the prize of what am I really trying to accomplish here?

In counseling yesterday, another thing that came up was this idea of benevolent detachment where you’re just distancing yourself from feeling anything because we’ve got to realize that we’re not doing them any favors by just giving them what they want. Sometimes what kids thrive on is having boundaries, and they may resist it, but structure, boundaries, all those things create safety. And if you do not enforce those things, there will be a sense of chaos. And so saying ‘no’ is really important, and it is serving them. It is creating safety and knowing that there’s some absolutes. We live in a society that has a framework, and if we’re not teaching them to live within that framework, we’re not doing them a service. They may feel better in the moment and we may feel less guilty saying yes, and we’re giving in, but at the end of the day, we’re not equipping them to live within the framework of reality. So sometimes we just have to detach.

Yeah, I know one thing that’s helped me is explaining to Jax why I’m telling him no. Even if I have to tell him 700 times the same reason over and over, not necessarily in the same moment, but it’s like nightly. He wants a dessert, wants an ice cream, or wants a bite of something that’s sweet after he eats his dinner. Last night, for instance, he asked me for a dessert at 8:30, but 8pm is the cutoff for dessert/sugar. Because same with your little puppy. I know what happens. He doesn’t go to bed, and we’re not doing that. And even last night he’s like, “Can I have a dessert?” I’m like, it’s too late for dessert. So I have to keep telling him why and keep reminding him, but eventually it’ll kick in. There have been other times where he’s asked me for a Coke at 8pm. “No, you don’t drink Coke as it is, much less at 8pm. No, absolutely not.” But now when it comes to sodas and those sorts of things, he only drinks water. And it’s not because I have to tell him no, it’s because he’s like, “I don’t really want it anyway.” And so he is learning, getting older now, and able to put those boundaries for himself in place and figure out what he likes, what he doesn’t like, what’s going to be good for him, what’s not going to be. And that’s our goal, right? Is like we’re setting these boundaries and the structure and the safety in place so that they know how to be healthy, thriving adults in the future. So get the guilt out of here. Understand the reason why, if you’re firm in the reason why you don’t want to do it, then you can. And listen, I know it’s hard because our kids are master manipulators. And when you are a single parent and you’re doing it on your own, they know it and they know how to push your buttons. And so I feel the pain of this, and that’s why, I guess why I said there is a level of detachment that is healthy. 

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