If you define the life of a single parent, you might say that instability is the word, the challenges and chaos of work-life, balance, finances, emotional stress, and more are simply a given when you’re a solo parent. And because of that, we may often feel like our situation is not stable. But what does stability mean? Are we actually creating a stable environment and we just don’t realize it? Today we’re going to talk about what is stability. And in this conversation you’re going to learn, number one, how to tell the difference between uncertainty and instability. Two, responding to fluctuations of stability in seasons. And finally, you’re going to learn some practical ways to pursue stability.
Let’s talk about how to tell the difference between uncertainty and instability.
When I think about uncertainty, I think about the idea of something that happens that could happen in the future. We’re unsure about. The outcome is unpredictable, whereas instability is a very present experience. It’s almost like instability is when the earth is shifting during an earthquake and things are moving around in the moment. And uncertainty is maybe common for people in California who have experienced earthquakes and think, “Will one happen again?” And we can help provide stability for our kids in the moment. We can’t predict the future for ourselves. What I’m hearing, stability can actually exist in uncertainty. You may be uncertain about what’s happening or what’s coming. That does not mean that stability can’t exist. There’s a huge difference between the two.
And I want to take it a little farther because I think too, even in a situation where you live in a place where earthquakes really do happen somewhat regularly, you can take steps to provide stability in that kind of shaking, upsetting situation. And I think that’s part of what we’ll talk about today.
Well, another key piece of this is having trust, and I’m thinking about trust not only for ourselves, but the trust that our kids have for us, if we’re talking about the parenting piece of this as well. I’m thinking about even just my own situation right now and the instability and uncertainty of where I’m at currently. I’ll say that me trying to find ways to build trust for myself and the confidence of being able to make the next right step and then looking back and saying, “I made the next right step. Good job, Elizabeth. You did great on that one” and having that trust in myself to make the best decision I can for me in the moment or the best decision I can for Jax. And he’s automatically going to have trust in that if he feels safe and secure and knows that I have the situation handled as his parent. Do you know what I mean? And so there’s a lot of trust that goes into it, not only for our kids but for ourselves. And so we have to have a right-sized view within that instability. And I feel like a lot of times in the chaos of it all and in the emotions of it all, it’s hard to see the reality of just how good we’re actually doing and how we can actually have confidence to come through unstable moments. And unfortunately, the more we go through the unstable moments, the more opportunity we have to build the confidence and to build the trust within ourselves that we can do ok.
And as people of faith, for me, and I know for you ladies, I’ve recently been learning about the Old Testament and this idea of trusting the story. There is a story underpinning everything in our lives and it’s written by God, obviously we participate. But you can see over and over and over in the Old Testament especially, how God’s goal for us to find stability wasn’t about the circumstance. It was trusting the story. It was trusting that God is in the midst of that. So I think that’s how trust is also completely tied to it.
I really do think of it as being able to trust a secure anchor point. And in what you referenced, Robert, that being God: The consistency of who he is, the consistency of his word. And I think when I think about God, we’re also parents—the way that he cares for us and he provides us an anchor and stability, we can do that for our kids. And that’s so important. And that goes back to building that trust in ourselves that as we rely on God, we can find stability and then our kids can rely on us.
Going back to us as adults, thinking about the relationships that surround us. Yes, we can make the next right step and the next decision, but if we’re not surrounded by people who can help support us as we walk through it, we are going to revert back to a childlike state ourselves, where we feel unsafe and uncared for. And that’s when some of those reactions happen. We create even more instability for our kids or for ourselves because we’re reacting out of our emotions instead of being able to have that stable environment and the stable footing for ourselves. And so it’s really, really important to surround ourselves with stable people and safe people so that we can have that grounding point ourselves.
So how do we respond to those fluctuations in seasons of instability?
Well, the big thing that we have to remember is that different seasons are going to bring different levels of stability or instability that’s outside of our normal routine. And so we just have to remember that as much as we try to control what’s going to happen, there is uncertainty in life and there are things that are going to be thrown our way, whether it’s just day-to-day activities or if it’s some big life change that happens and the rug gets ripped out from under us. And like I said earlier, the more we have these “opportunities” for instability, the more practice we get and the more confidence—we can go into unstable times with the ability to move forward with the next right step.
I think it’s incredibly hard and I feel some guilt rising in me even just hearing you talk because when the rug was ripped out from under me, I was not able to be a safe, stable, trusting place for my kids. I was keeping our routine as “normal” as I could but I wasn’t a safe trusted source and I have a lot of regret about that and I’ve had to do repair with my kids as a result. And I’m saying that because I want others to know that can happen when your entire world gets turned upside down. It’s difficult to show up in a stable way for ourselves and for our kids. And when I look back, I would call that the triage stage like we talked about a little while ago. And in that place I would’ve really benefited from more anchors in my life that were really coming around me to help me be stable at a time when I couldn’t be. Later on as I got to the recovery stage, I was more able to be stable for my kids. But it took a long time. It was a journey and a lot of sitting in circles celebrate recovery, regeneration. It was not instantaneous.
I think anchoring is exactly what we need to remember to respond to because things are going, tides are going to come and go. We’re going to be kind of thrown around by the waves and by the tides. And so it’s important to find the anchor. For me, the best way I can illustrate this is last year or maybe two years ago, I started doing EMDR therapy and before we got into some of that deep work, we spent the entire EMDR session creating an anchor point. And the reason we did that was to create a place to come back to if we ever felt overwhelmed. And so it was like visualizing what does a perfect day look like? What does the perfect scene look like? And it doesn’t mean it has to be birds—it could be a taco truck behind you.But what is that? And just knowing that there’s always a place to get back to. For me, that really helped me and I wish I would’ve had it. To your point, Amber, when I was going through the triage stage of everything, it was just I was living out of fear and reaction and I wish I would’ve had that because we can count on fluctuations in our seasons and instability coming and rocking us if we don’t have those anchor points.
Yeah, I know one thing that’s been really helpful for me recently is learning how to be more present. It’s again, getting back to the emotions of it all and the overwhelm and the big reactions that can come out. Having that anchor point allows you to be present and allows you to be able to kind of stay here. And I’m naturally a very anxious person. I live in the future all the time. When uncertainty faces me, my head can spin out of control and it’s a protection so that I’m not feeling what I need to be feeling, but I can just start spinning out. I’ve really had to learn how to breathe deep and be present, go to a safe place and be able to just be here in it and understand there’s nothing I can do about what’s coming tomorrow or not coming tomorrow. And so the “being present” piece is really important to be able to make the next right choice.
I think while we’re being present with our kids, one of the ways we can really help them find stability is by preparing them as much as we can. Letting them know that we’re a safe place where they can get information. I think this was super true for me because my eldest is on the autism spectrum, and so knowing what would come next was incredibly important, but children in general need to know and have that type of predictability as much as possible. So as much as you can and are able—and I wasn’t always very able to set a schedule—be emotionally available, communicate, get ahead of things as much as you can. Next week you’re going to be at your dad’s, grandma and grandpa will be here for your school event, whatever it is. to let kids know so they can plan ahead too.
We’ve done all sorts of things with Jax in particular, trying to make sure that his schedule stays pretty on point. Putting together a calendar for him where he knew when he would be seeing his dad. He knew when he’d be coming home to me, he knew when different things were happening, baseball practice, whatever. We would go through the schedule together. That way he knew what was coming and there weren’t any big surprises. And that was really helpful for him. Also, having that stable routine every day. And I’ll say even for me having a stable routine this morning. I was talking to a friend of mine on the way here. I wasn’t able to do my normal breakfast routine this morning because I have to go have a procedure done and that threw me all off. I just wanted my protein shake and I couldn’t have it this morning. And so I think even for us having those morning routines or nighttime routines, whatever it is, we’re just the same as our kids. We need that stability, that sense of empowerment and control with what we can control because there’s not a lot we can control, but if we can hold on to those things throughout our day, it’ll help a lot.
One of the things that I did fairly well with the girls regarding this was the difference between what we know and what we don’t know and even collectively saying, “Okay, we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We don’t know if we’re going to XYZ, so then let’s focus on what we do know. We do know that we’re going to be a family unit. We do know that we love each other. You girls know that I love you and that I’ll always be here.” So reminding ourselves of what things we do know is very helpful.
Okay, so let’s talk about some practical ways to pursue stability. How do we do this?
Well, it doesn’t just happen. Wouldn’t it be great if it just did? But no, we have to pursue it otherwise we’ll continue in the chaos. We have to be so intentional, and I really do think about it as the roof of the house has just blown off in the tornado and we are running with buckets trying to catch the rain and really we need to take the time to put the roof back on and provide some stability. And so we need to make efforts to do that. It doesn’t happen by accident and as humans, we’re not necessarily built to easily find stability unless we work at it. It’s something we learn. And you referenced it a little bit, Robert, it’s not circumstantial. And I think about Paul in the New Testament when he says, “I have learned the secret of being content.” It’s something that he had to practice and study. It didn’t just happen automatically. And he says “in any and every situation,” which I think is a very high bar, but I love that his attitude is of trust in an anchor that’s not going anywhere. And that has been absolutely instrumental for me and it’s something I still use in finding safety and stability in God.
So we kind of already have mentioned some of these, but creating a safe home base, having the routines, having the things in place—we kind of touched on them high level, but we can get into some more specific ideas when it comes to it. Just building those anchor point activities, like you guys said: Our kids know what to count on or we know what to count on and planning things to look forward to is a really big thing. Especially in the middle of the chaos and the crazy things that happen, if our kids know that every Saturday morning we’re having french toast or we’re having pancakes or whatever. But even making your home base or your home environment a place of retreat. I have worked pretty hard over this past year to make my house a place that’s happy that I want to be in and getting it to what I want it to be like in there and what I want it to feel like. I’ll say that my plan this weekend is to clean my room because it’s a mess. I’ve been traveling and my clothes are just thrown everywhere. And I didn’t get a chance to do that. And I woke up this morning and I was like, “Ugh, I just want my room to be a place of retreat, a place where I can sit and be calm and not have clutter everywhere.” So even little things like that where if you can just hang a happy picture or have a bedroom that feels serene or somewhere that you can escape to is going to create that stability and a place that you want to go and you want to sit and you want to be,
I think that’s so huge. I mean, a lot of times we talk on this podcast about things that are not lofty, but they’re just psychological. I think there’s some very practical things that you talked about. Marissa talks about creating a safe square, which was her bed at the end of the day where the kids would gather and it was always just kind of a safe place. I think it matters to create one not just for our kids, but for ourselves too, like you’re saying, Elizabeth, your room being serene and calm. I wrote about this in my book, but there’s a quote from an admiral that talks about if you want to conquer the world, start off by making your bed every day. And I was so diligent in doing this when I was a single dad. It was a small thing that you can control, but it brings a sense of completion in the morning when everything else feels incomplete, at least you made a bed and it sounds really stupid, but it really worked. And then at the end of the day, it was this retreat kind of thing. You had to pull back the sheets and climb in. Little things like that.
It could be like you’re saying, hang a picture or sing a happy song or whatever it is.
The point is to find little disciplines, little things that you can do in your life that are predictable and that are done on the regular for yourself as well as for your kids. Some of the things that I did not do well is I spent so much time focusing on creating those predictable things for the girls that I didn’t do enough of this piece of creating that safe place. I made my bed, but I didn’t always carve out a safe place to go. I don’t remember who it was. One of our guests talked about how she created a little nook in her closet or in her bedroom had just the right amount of pillows and there was a candle there and whenever she needed to retreat, she would go to that place. It almost became this sacred space to recharge or be restored.
You’re saying that I’m like, “Oh, I kind of want to do that, to have a place,” because in the mornings I’ll wake up and I like to journal, I like to do some breathing. I like to think about the day, think about what I’m looking forward to, just have my space and my time. So I kind of want to set up a little nook in the corner and just have a little space that I can go sit and have a different spot to do that in. I was thinking on the way over here too, how unloading my dishwasher has that sense of accomplishment that making the bed does in the morning. So those little things. And then even just talking about our kids, I’m curious if this is true or not. I would think that even having chores for them. On Sunday evenings, Jax takes the trash bin to the street and on Monday afternoons, he brings the trash bin back. He knows what to expect there, and there are certain days of the week that certain things need to happen that he needs to contribute to in order to do that. And so even that stability and having the discipline and putting discipline in our kids to have responsibilities and handle things would also create stability and teach them something. Predictability is safety.
Well, I really love that y’all can learn from all the mistakes and the lessons I’ve learned the hard way too late. I’m feeling that temptation, which is comparison and that’s something that we need to eliminate if we’re going to find a place of stability. Being present and just accepting what is and finding ways to enjoy your life, who you are, be present in the moment with your kids and really just take life on its own terms, can provide its own type of stability instead of rushing forward ahead to the future, which was definitely a temptation of mine or really just getting stuck in what I’ve done wrong in the past. Being present is so much better than comparison.
Well, I think a good way to eliminate comparison is understanding that what works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for you and your kids and you have to find what works for you. So I can take in all the information I want to from all these self-help or motivation podcasts or books or whatever, but just because something works for you, Amber, doesn’t mean that that’s going to work for me. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t take ideas from you and say, “Hey, finding a little nook in the corner or whatever works for this person. I’m willing to try it to see if it works for me,” but it may not work for me. There may be something better for me and for Jax, we can learn from one another, but we don’t have to do it the exact same way. And I think there’s a lot of freedom in that and finding what works for you, what’s true for you, and being able to exercise and live out of that. And it helps you like yourself better because you, you’re coming up with your own thing, you’re taking care of yourself versus always feeling less than because you’re not doing it like these other people over here.
That’s great. I think it comes back to what you said, Amber, this comparison thing and whatever that takes, shutting down external voices at night. If it means putting your phone down at 8pm or 9pm, do it, or if it means not looking at TikTok or whatever, but just agreeing to yourself, you’re not going to look at any texts or any emails or any kind of demands or anything like that, whatever it is, just putting some boundaries on external noise and external voices is so important.
Takeaways
- We often confuse uncertainty and instability, but it’s not the presence or lack of chaos that defines it. They’re very, very different.
- Stability will fluctuate. Sometimes we can predict it, other times we can’t, but our response and how we react to it really matters.
- There is a lot we can do as parents to pursue stability not only for ourselves but also modeling that for our kids. They’re not going to learn this anywhere else because there are so many other voices in this world. It’s up to us to model what this looks like first for ourselves and then for our kids.
Listener Question
Lately, it feels like all my daughter and I ever do is fight. She’s a typical hormonal teenager and I honestly dread seeing her after school and being with her on the weekends. I know she can tell, but she’s just awful to be around. Have you felt this way about your kids and how did you get past it?
Yeah, it’s like somebody was a fly on the wall in my house from, six, seven years ago. I have such a delightful, beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter and she was so challenging as a teen. I was scared of her. I still have a little PTSD from some of our interactions, even though she is truly delightful. But how did I handle it? Because this was pretty true for me. It was so difficult. She was pushing back. She went through some acting out behavior that I had to curb very intentionally, very specifically, and she was so angry at me. I was needing to check her room for her safety, I would never want to violate her trust or privacy otherwise. But we had agreed upon [this] and she just hated as a result that I was needing to question her and lean in. But I would routinely say, “Babe, I love you. I love you and I get it. You don’t like this, but I am here to protect you and keep you safe. It’s my first job” and she would still push back, but I just kept up that refrain with her and then finally I stopped saying anything and I simply made it. I called Project Love where I intentionally would try to demonstrate to her in consistent ways that I loved her, I believed in her, I championed her, that she got to be different from me and I would still celebrate her. And it took time. It took a lot of time, but we are pretty close now. She’s still a little scary. She’s 20, but I think it’s consistency. Building trust over time and I couldn’t microwave it. It took a long time.
We’ve done an episode on what happens when your kids trigger you. I can tell you that’s been real for my life and there’s been times I’m like, “Oh my gosh, how can I love you so much and just not like being around you?” I remember before my mom passed, she did a sermon at a church and she preached and she’s like, “How do you deal with some of these days where you just don’t like your kids?” I know I’ve been there and I listened to the sermon. I’m going, “What? Thanks mom. You don’t like me,” but I get what she’s saying. Don’t shame yourself for there are times when you’re just not going to like the person that’s right in front of you, and even though you might love them, just know that that will pass. Bring these kinds of questions to other people. Don’t let this sit in your head and become a lie that somehow disqualifies you from being a good parent. It’s normal to feel this, and so just give it some time. Lots of prayer, lots of consistency, lots of “I love yous,” and a lot of reaching out to other people.
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