All this month we are talking about unnecessary things, and today we’re talking about wasteful spending. As single parents, we often need to be thoughtful about how we spend our money because our resources tend to be very slim. There’s always an opportunity cost involved, and when everything is stretched so thin, it’s hard to know what wasteful spending is versus wise spending. There’s a huge learning curve on top of everything else we do. So how do we retrain ourselves and our spending habits?
Today, we’re going to cover this in three main points. Number one, we’re going to talk about what wasteful spending is. Then the emotions around spending money, and finally how to spend mindfully.
What is wasteful spending?
According to a survey by Ladder and OnePoll, Americans spend $18,000 a year per person on non-essentials. I think about “The Office” episode where Michael walks out into the office and says, “I declare bankruptcy.” And then Oscar, their accountant sits down with him and talks about all the things that he spends his money on, and he’s showing him in a graph. He’s like, “Okay, this over here on the left is the necessary spending—your utilities, your rent; the middle part is things that you don’t really need, but you spend your money on and then this third graph is things that no one ever needs—it was something to do with magic tricks or something. And the only thing Michael responded with was, “It’s really cool how you put my name at the top of this graph.”
I would like to say that I don’t fall into this category, but I don’t know. You just never know if you’re not tracking your spending. According to Nationwide, there are six bad spending habits, and this checklist could hone in on some of this unnecessary spending. It involves buying things that aren’t essential or don’t truly improve the quality of life.
- Bottled water
- Dry cleaning
- Daily coffees: If you stop for one $4 drink each morning, that adds up to around $85 a month or $1,020 a year.
- Mindless mobile shopping: Definitely guilty. This has decreased since I quit scrolling on social media. I stopped following some fashion influencers. Baby steps. Where I get tripped up is when they have the little things that pop up on Instagram—a cute little outfit or a cute little TikTok. And you just click through and can purchase super easily. It’ll get me every time.
- Eating out: The average American spends just over $3,000 a year on restaurants and takeout. I think that’s low. It’s me and Jax. Sometimes it’s cheaper for us to eat out than it is for me to buy all the things I would need at the grocery store to make a meal. I’m going to help with that. I rolled through Chick-fil-A drive through this morning for breakfast, $1.15 for scrambled eggs on the side. This is actually a life hack. Single parents. You need a quick breakfast for your kids. Scrambled eggs on the side.
- Paying for unused subscriptions: Somebody mentioned how they’ll subscribe to HBO Max and watch all the shows they want, and then they’ll cut one off and switch over to Paramount Plus.
What are the four types of buyers?
Emotional buyers love the rush of getting their hands on something new. Feels good.
Discount seekers buy things because they’re on sale. Convenience buyers can’t resist pop-up ads and websites that let them buy quickly with just a click or two as well as the idea of spending money to avoid expending energy. I could have made a scrambled egg at home this morning. I justify things so much by doing that, but it’s easy. It’s convenient [especially with] the cost of eggs right now. Walmart delivery. I’ll beat this drum until I’m dead. We do pay a premium for convenience, and of course single parents will fall into this because we need convenience. Our lives are full and sometimes we think we need to buy diced vegetables at the grocery store rather than buying whole produce. And then sometimes we’re paying convenience fees that add up quickly. I bought movie tickets online to save time in the line recently, and it was $5 in fees for two tickets. Impulse buyers just buy what they want when they want. They don’t think about it too much. They don’t worry about where the money’s coming from. It’s usually trendy items. Expert Rachel Cruz wrote in “Know Yourself, Know Your Money” that 66% of all impulse buys happen in bed while scrolling your smartphone. I totally believe that. If I bought a fraction of what’s in my Amazon cart right now, I’d be bankrupt. I find myself spending on things that don’t really bring any long-term benefit. And it’s just so interesting, the psychology of pricing. They’ll price it just at that right spot where it’s like $24. 99 and it’s like a squishy fidget toy or something. I don’t know if you’re this way, but if you’re scrolling on social media and you find that little thing, “Ooh, I got to have it” and it pops up constantly, or you’re afraid it won’t ever pop up again, and so you’re like, “I better get it before it goes away forever” or maybe you test God and go, “Okay, I won’t buy it this time, but if you bring it up the next time around, it’s a sign.”
And those recurring costs, like the subscriptions. I saw an ad, I don’t know what card it is, but they offer the service. They’ll cancel things for you. I need to do that. I think that’s helpful. There are so many times I’m like, “What? I don’t even remember signing up for this.”
Let’s talk about the emotions around spending money.
We know that so much is driven by [emotion] for sure. We will often try to manage our emotions through some type of feel-good experience, whether it’s reaching for chocolate or hitting that button on Amazon or clicking that ad on TikTok. Rather than thinking clearly about budgeting and things that may or may not align with long-term needs or priorities, we will let the feeling of the moment overcome us and manage [our emotions] by purchasing something that helps us feel good. That rush of buying stuff. And so maybe you’re coping with a tough day and you think, “Oh, I need a pick-me-up. I deserve this.” And so you end up buying stuff that you don’t need to escape the negative feelings or just to boost your mood, however temporary. But the problem is the bill comes later and so you escape it only for a minute. And we don’t end up addressing the underlying issues anyway. So not only are we now stuck with this bad buying habit, we’re also stuck with the habit of “checking out” on how we’re really feeling and not addressing those things that we need on a deeper level.
And then it can lead to the long-term consequences, not just emotionally and not dealing with what’s going on underneath the surface, but also your budget’s all out of whack. Even if you have a budget, you’re not able to spend wisely because you’re playing catch up from something months ago and that thing that you don’t even look at anymore is sitting in a closet and you’re like, “Where did all my money go?”.
It can lead to financial strain, guilt, and regret, especially if it is hanging in the closet and you have never worn it, and now you’re outside the Amazon return window. During Covid, this got really bad for me. Just boredom, not going out, and I have this tendency of going through spurts of really liking things. So you both know that I went through this spending fury. I was so into sneakers, so into tennis shoes. And I would almost justify it by going, “Okay, I’m not spending money going out to eat all the time. We’re not going out to eat. So I have a little extra money. I’ll buy some tennis shoes.” And I have so many tennis shoes that I’ve never worn, and it’s past the return window or whatever, but this became a serious problem for me. Then it moved into luggage for no rhyme or reason. I guess maybe getting out of Covid, I’m traveling more now. I’m like, “I want to get some really good luggage.” And so that luggage and then all the things that fit in the luggage—it’s a problem. I know it has something to do with emotionally satisfying something. I’m not sure what it is. There’s no doubt there are significant pitfalls we can fall into just by being normal humans during times of stress. And the convenience thing is just another one of those areas—maybe we’re just really tired or we’re feeling kind of lonely or down about being a single parent and convenience feels like our friend. It’s like, you know what? I just need something to be easy. And so we’ll click that button and try to find our way out of stress by choosing what’s easy in the moment. And I’ll be the first to say “judgment-free zone” on that, because sometimes we all need some type of relief valve. You have to be so careful to examine your habits about what’s healthy or what’s destructive. But sometimes we absolutely do need to have some relief in the form of convenience. And so I feel like there’s a part of this that needs to be balanced. But this focus is how to avoid wasteful spending—what’s necessary, what’s unnecessary.
How do we spend mindfully? How do we practice and stop unnecessary spending?
I helped Rachel Cruz; I didn’t help her write it, but I contributed with stories and ideas and different things and then also helped publicize the book, “Know Yourself, Know Your Money.” And so this is near and dear to my heart just because it’s part of my story. One of the things she talks about is knowing your money personality. She talks about knowing your household, how you were brought up with money, and how that can affect how you now spend money or don’t spend money. And so she talks about that, but then as far as money personalities go, that’s the underlying issue or the foundation of it. And then she asks, “Are you a spender? Are you a saver? Are you a risk taker? Are you a planner?” And generally what this looks like is you can be a spender while also being a risk taker. And that’s a really unhealthy combination. You can also be a spender and a planner. You could be a saver and a planner, which means that you tend to be a little more uptight and you don’t really spend a lot of money. You could be a saver and a risk taker, so maybe you save your money, but then you spend it all on a big risk. So there are lots of things that go into it. That’s something to really understand about yourself and handle with a lot of care of being like, “Okay, I understand that I’m a spender. Money burns a hole in my pocket and I want to get rid of it as soon as I have it. I’m also a risk taker, and so maybe that’s an unhealthy combination. Let me look at why I got to where I am.” And so her book can actually help you do that.
I think having that self-awareness can help you create a budget that will work for you and you can put it in a framework that works for you so that you do feel like you have some freedom to be able to spend the way you want. And she actually says that a budget doesn’t limit your freedom, it gives you freedom, which I think is a great way to reframe it and understand (for those of us who are spenders)–that [a budget] can actually give me permission to spend the money instead of limiting my ability to do what I want to do. There is an opportunity cost, regardless. You’re saying yes to this sweater that just popped up on Instagram, and then you’re saying no to something else.
I tend to be a spender, but I’m super practical and am a planner. And so while I am trying not to purchase any clothing or shoes or big items like that, I plan what I am going to do instead. And so instead of thinking I need something cute to wear to this date, I think, “What new nail polish can I get that will match what I already have and still make me feel like I put a little extra effort in?” And our audience may or may not be laughing, but please laugh with me. Just finding those ways to say, “You know what? This is something that’s important to me. I want a little sparkle or pizazz but I can’t spend $60 on a shirt. I need to spend $6 on a bottle of nail polish.” I think creating a budget, looking for ways to fulfill some of what’s important for you … but in a way that works for your budget and being thoughtful about it is what I’m taking away from Rachel.
One of the things that’s been helpful for me is having a cool-off period. I used to be so impulsive, and I still am from time to time, but all the things in my Amazon cart are “save for later.” I’ve been better at that. There’s very few things that I just click and buy immediately, unless it’s a fidget spinner—I have a problem with that, or Gobstoppers. Anyway, this cool-off period where you’re waiting 24 hours or 48 hours saying, “Robert, I’m not saying no. I’m saying not right now. Just wait 24.” And it’s remarkable how many things I’ve moved out of my cart. “That was stupid. Why in the world did I even want that?” When you’re not in the emotional moment, it looks far less attractive. Things don’t look quite as cute or as necessary as they did that day.
In January, we’re doing a no-spending freeze and having a 30-day cool-off period. I am feeling the holiday spending; I definitely used December to have that endorphin and dopamine rush clicking the button and now I’m paying for it. We did it last year too.
I hear about how much wasteful consumption that we have in America and how much of it ends up in landfills and it’s not only a waste but it’s actually hurting us and causing harm to our environment. And sure, you can give to Goodwill or that sort of thing, but at the end of the day, we have way too much stuff as Americans. Sometimes I feel a little bit of guilt about just how much stuff I have.
I play such mind games with myself. I hear that and I agree with it 100%, but there’s a rationalizing little person on my other shoulder that’s going, “You’re just helping small businesses” or “These poor people are making shoes or whatever, and if I stop it and they have no job.” I know this isn’t for everyone, but to avoid going out all the time, there’s a show on the Food Network called “Chopped” which I used to watch all the time, and they are assigned to certain baskets of food and they have to make certain dishes out of [them]. And so I play this mind game in my head: You can’t go out to eat for this week, you have to just use what’s in the pantry or just use what’s in the refrigerator. And so that becomes a challenge for me and it’s kind of fun—not for everybody, but for me. I don’t imagine there’s a TV set and people judging me or whatever, but I think, “What can I turn these dry ingredients into? How creative can I get?”
It has to be so individual, knowing yourself, knowing how you work, knowing what might be a good step for you or something that’s unrealistic. I don’t buy coffee out anymore because I buy Starbucks iced coffee in a big jug from the grocery store. It’s still not as cheap as brewing it at home or using a machine, but it’s a step. I think our single parents can consider, “What can we do?” And my mom’s voice is on my shoulder saying, “Amber, do you need it or do you want it?” And so I continually ask myself that kind of thing whenever I go to purchase something.
With the whole budget idea, being able to take care of your necessities first, but giving yourself categories of spending. Maybe you know that you love eating out or that it’s convenient for you. It’s not saying “Don’t do what’s convenient for you,” but have a plan for it. So it’s like, “Okay, I know that this pay period, I’m going to spend $100 eating out.” Assign a number to it and then just stick to that. Whether it’s doing the Dave Ramsey way of having cash in an envelope and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Or I’m working on having all of my bills come out of one checking account. And every paycheck I know I have to put a certain amount over into that account to cover what I have coming out for that pay period. And then the rest I can use to spend and then I have my savings in a separate account. I am not going to necessarily say, “Okay, I am only going to spend $100 on eating out and I’m going to spend $50 on gas, etc. I just know that I have $300 a month to work with, and if I want a pair of shoes or I want to eat out—there’s an opportunity cost. And once that’s gone, it’s gone. I’m going to try it out and see if that works for me because the whole itemizing line-by-line budget items doesn’t work for me. It’s too constricting. It’s too much to think about. I don’t have time to sit there and figure it out.
The last thing I want to add is to find an accountability partner. Find someone that you can share with and say, “For the next few months, is it okay if I come to you and tell you what I’m planning on spending and then just make myself accountable?” That is the other thing as a single parent—I guess it could be seen as an upside—there’s no one telling you what to do. It’s hard. You don’t have a sounding board, but there’s not a whole lot of accountability. So give yourself an accountability partner to walk with. And it doesn’t mean they have to micromanage everything, but it’s always a good idea. A lot of times you don’t want people to see your accounts, because when people know how much you spend, they’re going to find out what’s important to you.
Takeaways
- Wasteful spending involves often impulsively buying things that aren’t essential or don’t truly improve our quality of life.
- In emotional spending, the purchase is more about managing our emotions than fulfilling a genuine need.
- In order to spend mindfully, we need to take action such as identifying our money personality, setting emotional boundaries around spending, identifying triggers, and those kinds of things. We have to be intentional. It’s not going to just happen to us, but if we are taking small steps in that direction, I think we can actually get a handle on it.
Listener Question
How do you survive the constant change when things seem to adjust and readjust with kids who are older and leave home? This repeated change can seem so overwhelming.
I took a big deep breath hearing that question because I’m wondering how many single parents with or without older kids are still feeling that sense that things are constantly changing. I felt like whether it was my kids changing schools or me being in school or whatever it might be, that change became such a constant. And that in itself is pretty exhausting. There’s a part of me that’s like, “Do we have a certain amount of practice in this already? Some reps in having to adjust to constant change?” One of the things that I will often go back to—it’s kind of my relief valve—is be kind to yourself. Yes, change is hard. Yes, it’s complicated. Yes, it can be exhausting. Notice that, pay attention to it. I am not sure I’m giving anyone a great answer on how to manage it, except for in the midst of all that change and stress and upheaval, can you be kind to yourself and extend kindness to your kids? And honestly, that’s a hard-earned lesson for me because there were times I wasn’t kind to myself and then I wasn’t kind to my kids.
We’ve talked about this a few times on different podcasts and various things, but just trying to create some things that are predictable. Everything is going to change regardless of our kids’ age. My girls are all at a very different stage right now, but I still am trying to employ being reliable and predictable and checking in certain areas and just attempting to reach out. But I would say when they were younger and things were always changing, that’s something that I really focused on trying to find. You’re not going to be able to control everything, but if you can create some predictability, it offsets a tremendous amount of change.
I’m wondering what the boundary situation with your kids is. Amber, you moved out of the house your kids grew up in and have your cute little two-bedroom place, and that doesn’t give a lot of options for the kids to come back and forth a lot. It doesn’t create a lot of disruption in the life you’re building now that they’re grown and out of the house or not living with you. They’re living at their dad’s house. And I’m wondering what kind of boundaries or what kind of life you can create that will naturally give you some stability as you’re trying to rebuild being a parent, like an empty nester—and still being that predictable place for your kids to land. Like you’re always available to answer phone calls or [you’re there] if they need you for something, but they may not be able to come [stay at] home. That’s actually fair life circumstances. Provide some boundaries. Neither one of my kids can live with me. Just a limitation that I have right now. And so that has caused each of them to need other solutions.
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