Elizabeth, how have you stayed positive in your healing journey, knowing that sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back?

Well, I’ll say that I haven’t always stayed positive, and that’s the reality of it. You don’t have to put pressure on yourself to always stay positive. If you feel in a negative place, honor that within you and love yourself through it. I think that’s probably how I’ve stayed the most positive, especially lately, is learning how to not shame myself for being in a place that I “shouldn’t” be. You know what I mean? So you kind of just have to honor wherever you are. 

Well, this is a big week. Back in 1984, president Ronald Reagan declared March 21st, which is this week as National Single Parent Day a day to recognize the strength and dedication of single parents everywhere. We know that solo parenting looks different for everyone. So to kind of mark this day and this week, we wanted to create something to help you figure out where you are in your journey. That’s why we’re introducing the three phases of solo parenting. It’s just a framework shaped by the stories of the thousands of single parents that we’ve walked alongside. So in this episode, we’re going to break down these three phases and share real stories from three real people that represent each phase. We’ll also let you know how you can access this resource a little bit later in the show.

We have the honor of interviewing three different solo parents. As Robert mentioned, each has their own unique story and experience to share with us, and they’re going to cover one aspect of the solo parent journey, which we’ve split into the three phases: triage, recovery, and wellness. And let me just break this down for you, just so you kind of know what we’re walking into in the triage stage. Life feels overwhelming. Emotions may be raw. This is a time of major transition. We’ve all been there. This is where support and self-compassion are super essential. And then as you transition, the next phase is the recovery stage. And that means you’ve kind of begun to adjust to your new normal healing is still in progress. You’re finding some moments of stability, but you’re still working through your emotional and practical challenges. You’ve got your feet under you, but you could get knocked over at any second. You still, you don’t feel super stable, but you’re there. And this is kind of one of the primary things where it’s one step forward or two steps forward, one step back. That’s kind of the recovery thing. You’re kind of in there, you’re feeling better about yourself, but it’s a little difficult. And of course the final stage is the wellness stage, and that’s where you’ve regained your balance. You’re focused on maintaining that emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Maybe you have some habits in place that work for you, you know yourself, your value, your values, and you’re able to stay present for yourself and for your kids. And one thing I’ll say, a couple of things I’ll say here too is to the point of one step forward, two steps back, not once you’re in wellness, you may get knocked back to recovery at any given moment because life happens, but at least you know how to kind of manage it and handle it. You’re a little more confident. I’m glad you said that. One of the primary reasons that this framework is important is that a lot of us just go, “Okay, we’re just sitting in this solo parent season and not realizing or paying attention to the growth that’s happened. And so we can be surprised if we thought we were doing okay and then you’re knocked off your feet. And that’s why we’ve identified these three stages—you don’t ever reach a destination, but this is the process of walking through the solo parent journey and identifying where you are. Sometimes people just feel like they’re relegated. You’re in the penalty zone. When you become normal again, come back out and join the rest of the population. No, there are actually phases to this journey and that’s why we thought it important to break this down.

And it’s important to just be where you are. Kind of what I was saying earlier, just be where you are and honor that because you will get to a wellness space. I know I tried to rush the process early on because I didn’t want to feel the pain of it all, but the only way I got through the pain was to go through the pain. I couldn’t rush the process. And to your point, Robert, it isn’t a destination because where I finally, when I was rushing the process where I finally had peace and was able to just rest in the process was to understand that there wasn’t a destination. We’re never going to be fully healed this side of eternity. It is just not going to happen. And honestly, the continual pursuit of growth is part of life, and that’s what makes life exciting and uncovering, uncovering truth, uncovering truth about God, about yourself, and that persistent reaching forward provides the peace and the rest that you need right now. So just be where you are. 

TRIAGE: CARI

To get us started, why don’t you just talk to us a little bit about your story, and especially those early days (the triage phase). 

So at the start of what I call my “new life,” I was a mom of three and a youth pastor’s wife. My youngest was two, my middle child was seven, and my oldest was 22. My new life started when my 22-year-old disclosed to me that the person I was married to, my husband at the time, had been sexually molesting her and started out doing that when she was in sixth grade. That instantly brought [out] my mama bear instinct, and I needed to turn him in. My daughter and I started a long road of getting him prosecuted for child abuse, sexual abuse. When all of it started, I became an instant solo parent, and my mother-in-law lived with us. The family turned on me because I was not holding to my wedding vows. They expected me to stand by my wedding vows and protect my husband and defend him. [There was] no way I was going to abandon my daughter, and I chose my children over my vow. 

So when all of this happened, at the time I didn’t know anything but caring for kids and teaching. I didn’t have access to any of our financials. I didn’t have access to any of our bills. My income wouldn’t even pay the mortgage, and I needed to quickly figure out how to manage everything. The home became emotionally abusive and physically abusive to my middle daughter by my mother-in-law. We needed to flee from our home, and fortunately, a family in our church said, “Come stay with us until things cool down.” That turned into six months. My kids and I shared a little room. We each had a laundry basket with a week’s worth of clothes in it, and my kids had a laundry basket of special items, comfort items, and in the crazy stage, I couldn’t even stomach food. I would randomly run to the kitchen and throw up. Everything was so overwhelming. I felt that my life was just swirling about me and [with] it being a criminal investigation, I couldn’t talk to anybody about it. I just had to put on a face that life is normal. And each day it was this uncertainty of how would I take care of my kids?

This triage stage lasted for us a year and three months. I counted it as being over when my kids and I got our own place again and were really able to start developing who we were as a new little family unit.

I’ve said this before to you and as a sexual abuse survivor myself, I just want to say publicly thank you so much for standing up for your daughter. It gives me hope. 

Thank you. When the criminal investigation was going on in the beginning, the Child Protective Services and everyone, they were treating me like a criminal. And I was like, “I don’t understand this. Why are you treating me so poorly?”

And they said, “Well, we expect you to stand up for your husband.” I’m like, “Heck no. He hurt my baby. I am not standing up for him. I am not protecting him. I’ve already kicked him out of the house. This is a place safe for my children.” And as soon as I said that, they then became warm and kind. But they had said that so many women don’t have the courage to stand up for their children, and they believed the lies that their spouse tells them about the abuse not being abuse. And I will not stand up for someone that hurts a child.

So looking back over that one year and three month triage season, what advice would you give your younger self?

Breathe deep, focus on the next right thing. I would get lost in the big picture, and that’s when the world would start swimming and swirling and I would vomit just because it was too much. But if I just focused on the right now: What is before me? What do I need to do in this instant? I could take the next right step.

If if you were to identify one or two things, what were the most challenging parts of this season?

I was most worried about how my kids would come out of this and be okay. Our situation was very public. The entire community knew about it. It was all over the news. I had to just cocoon and keep. I had a pod of three people to encase me and shelter me from the outside world and the ugliness. And I was worried about how my kids would weather this storm because if I’m a mess, how can they not be? And how to let them know what is happening in an age-appropriate manner with only what they need to know that I didn’t want their childhood to be robbed. And for them to know that they are deeply loved and cherished and that we are strong and that together we were going to be okay.

When did we first meet you? 

When I first got involved with Solo, I was technically out of triage because we had our own place, but we were still in that very much establishing what our new life would look like within the three of us. And I still had a massive amount of safety issues as my ex family did not want me to be successful. Their goal stated to me was, “I will ruin you and make sure your children hate you.” And so I was always looking behind my back to make sure that I was safe. I was actually living in hiding and no social media presence. When I started doing stuff with Solo Parent, I would always make sure the lighting was cruddy so you couldn’t see my face and wear something to where nobody could recognize who I was.

Your name wasn’t your name on social media.

Exactly. My name was my grandmother’s name, and I was just coming out and figuring out how to live not in fear and how to live out of triage.

Going back to that last question where you were talking about the most challenging parts and you were afraid of how your children were going to come out on the other side, how have they come out on the other side? What are they like now and how are you blown away by how they’ve turned out now as a result? And what are you most proud of from this season? 

Wow. My children, they’re so amazing. They both have this empathy for other humans and the ability to connect and have conversation and be real and authentic. They are creative entrepreneurs. My car blew up and I needed to get a new one for six months. We borrowed a car and I sold things. I worked extra jobs. And, with the Lord’s help in all of this, got this amazing car for ourselves. And so my kids see and are able to persevere and creatively problem solve that as they lived through the struggle, but were also in the struggle. We were also always trying to find joy when things would be beyond understanding. I would turn on eighties dance music and make them dance and sing while we cleaned up. And even when we were in triage, it was always finding joy and tenderness in all the moments.

And I see my kids doing that now in their own selves. And what am I most proud of? I am proud of how even in that triage and the chaos and the mess, I was able to pour into my kids and help them to find joy even though things were crazy when we were living with the other family, with just two laundry baskets and Grace and I sharing a bed. Those were actually some of the most sweet moments that we ever had. And before my new life started, I was resilient. I had to do everything on my own. In my marriage, I had to be the Proverbs 31 woman. And I was also always told that I could never measure up and was never good enough. Everything was always wrong. And during that critical triage state, I learned how to ask for help. I could not ever ask for help. It was not all right. And this is my advice if I were to give advice backwards and to someone going in triage: It’s okay to ask for help and people want to help. And to be able to accept help actually gives blessings to those that are asking how to help. And sometimes people [just] want to help you, but they have no idea how or what. And just to say, “Hey, I need diapers,” or, “Hey, could you hold me while I cry?” In these situations, sometimes people feel like it’s too much and they don’t know how to help, so they pull away, but it’s not what they want to do. They just don’t know what [to do]. And so being willing to let someone enter your circle and help you is a good thing.

Cari, thank you so much for sharing your story and for all the things that you do with Solo Parent. And for those listening, Cari leads a group on Saturday mornings that I would highly recommend that you tune into. Just so grateful for everything that you bring, and thank you for sharing your story today.

RECOVERY: ANDREW

What would you say has been the most helpful in your healing process, getting from triage to recovery and even maintaining recovery? 

Community is the answer. Being around folks who can relate to my situation, who can sit with me in those hard times, especially other dads who have gone through something similar, even single moms who have gone through something similar. It’s been powerful to me. I think the community has been the most helpful in a lot of ways because that’s really been the piece that I’ve recognized as I need.

You’ve said that you could finally be the dad you wanted to be. What does that look like?

Yeah, I mean, it’s a hard question to answer. For me, I came out of a rough marriage, and so it was an opportunity for me to grow into the person that I wanted to be.

That’s the piece that was exciting for me—[I could be] the dad who I can be active with my kids. We can go here. We don’t have to overthink. We can go on road trips. If you just want to pack up and go, let’s go. But I can also be the dad who can sit down and spend time in the Word with my kids, who can sit down and spend time understanding their feelings, growing as a human being. In my marriage at times, I was emotionally immature because I just didn’t know better. I was young when I got married. And so I think it was being able to be around folks who I could grow with, who I could become a better human being. And like I said, it’s not just being the best dad. I’m better through going through counseling, meeting with folks, going through the triage period, and really being in pain and finding community. I’m a better employee. I’m a better boss, I’m a better dad, a better brother, better son, you name it. Because it’s been an opportunity for me to grow as a human being. And I think we can get stuck sometimes just focused on how we get through the day.

And so there is that self-care piece of just being able to become the person you want to be and take in those small moments. And it’s not perfect. Again, it’s linear. I don’t get to the gym every day. I would love to be, I don’t get to. Some days I am a C dad, some days I’m an A-plus dad, and I just hope there’s more A-pluses than Cs. 

And what I’m hearing a lot from what you’re saying is you just became a more present person. 

Yeah, I think that’s an absolutely great way of saying it is because, I mean, I had a friend of mine who told me one time, “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” That just stuck with me and I have gone with it. And he came out of a divorced household, and so it was powerful to me and I’ve really embraced it.

WELLNESS: LANA

And so this third section that we’re getting into is the phase of wellness. And I’m so excited to have Lana join us and to walk through this with us. 

Give us just a brief overview of your story and background.

So I grew up in the Midwest and went to college in the Midwest and then did some traveling, did some different things. I currently live in Portland, Oregon. I’ve been in Oregon since ‘97 and have two boys, and the boys have been present for my season of going through some pretty severe cancer and a lot of treatments for about a year. And then the boys were 10 and 12 when their dad died from colon cancer. And so now they are older. And I have been hanging out with solo parents since my husband passed.

So when we’re thinking about wellness, how did you know when you moved from recovery into this wellness stage?

I think the biggest thing that I realized is it’s baby steps. My kids didn’t need me 100 percent, but I needed to be present, so I got to do amazing things. A friend’s husband taught me how to retile my shower, and it took about a year … it was building up that confidence in me that I can learn something new. I am still growing and learning so, so I got to do some little projects like that around my home that really empowered me to be like, “Oh, yeah, I can do this. I’m physically strong. I’m mentally strong. I can do some things.” And then as far as traveling, the biggest challenge for me was leaving my kids and flying all way across the United States to go to Tennessee, to come to Solo Con, not knowing anybody face to face, just listening to you guys on the podcast, seeing my group on Zoom, but just going there, that was just another baby step for me. Like, “Oh, this is what life can be like. And so there’s some freedom there.” For me, being a widow and my experience with my kids, it was really rough during the high school years. And so everything was about just parenting them. How do I parent them [while] going to counseling to try to be a better mom? And part of the reason I was very attracted to my husband was because I knew he’d be such a good dad. And then well, that went out the window. And so it just was very hard for me. It was very hard for my kids, and it took all of my physical and mental energy. I mean, I still did things for myself, but to really do things for myself on a regular basis until they moved out of the house and I had some transition time, and now I get to think about, “Hey, it’s my turn. What do I want to do? Who am I now that my kids are grown, my husband’s gone?” I mean, he will always be a part of our story and a part of my heart.

I get to dream again, and that’s been fun and scary, but a new season. 

I know that you at one point told a friend, I don’t know how to dream anymore. Can you expand on that?

Yeah. That was my husband’s strength—dreaming and being like, “Oh, out in the future” [with] planning and all the baby steps it takes to get to something big as far as an adventure or an experience or just changing how we do things so we can get somewhere. And I was just exhausted from life and my energy went towards Am I feeding everybody? Are we getting exercise? Just the practical. So I reached out to some friends who’ve known me and my husband, but known me for a long time, and I just said, “Can you guys help me dream?” And so it was really beautiful. We had dinner, the four of them and me. It was two couples and me and [we] just started talking: “Lana, what do you want to do?” And I’m like, “I don’t know.” I was just stuck. I was really stuck. I guess that’s the best way to put it, because I had shut that part of my life off for so long. [They said], “Well, you’ve done this,” or “You and Cameron did this,” or “We know this about you.” And so you just kind of get the juices going and then all of a sudden you’re like, “Oh, that’s possible now.” And it was exciting and some things work out well, and some things are a dud, but you have possibilities. And that’s just very exciting for me.

With your boys out of the house, you have the space to live life on your terms. Can you give hope to the single parents who don’t have that luxury? [Maybe] their kids are still at home, or they do still feel stuck, maybe wanting to move from recovery into wellness? What are the tiny little steps that you can take in order to move from recovery into wellness, regardless if your time is yours or not?

I started scheduling a lunch with a girlfriend or just a coffee or a walk or something. I had to organize it and pursue it and schedule it. But it was a blessing to me and I needed to laugh. I mean, that’s one of the things that I missed was just laughter. And there were certain places we would go and certain friends we would be with that would help bring that in. But for me to be with my girlfriends and just be goofy and laugh. And so it takes more than a few minutes, but it could be a phone call, it could be a text. I’ve learned about Marco Polo, and that has been very fun. But just keep trying, try something little, whether it’s taking a bath instead of a shower, because you can just completely relax with some Epsom salt and enjoy yourself. Or if it’s even making dessert or buying a dessert [when] you would usually think about what your kids want. Well, it’s okay for us to think about what we want, and so maybe we’re going to have a gluten-free dessert tonight because mama’s gluten-free. 

And so what I hear you saying, and one thing that comes up for me with this, especially in this season of life that I’m in right now, is yes, you absolutely have to create it yourself. No one’s going to come in and do it for you, and you can’t play victim to it because there are definitely times where we want to be like, “Well, somebody please just offer up this laughter platter or the desserts or the bath or whatever.” And that’s not going to happen. So at the end of the day, we’ve got to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and take care of those things for ourselves, for our own wellness and our own support. And to me, in learning how to love myself well in that way, that’s where wellness has naturally been born out of it, if you will. And then the second thing I’ll say too, kind of going off what you said with bringing friends into it is we have to allow that and we have to ask for it because unfortunately, everyone around us is just as busy as we are, but giving people the opportunity to serve us and giving people the opportunity to say yes when we say, “Hey, I need to go on a walk.” They’re so honored and so grateful to be able to do that and to be part of your life, it serves them just as much as it serves you. And so don’t be afraid to bring the right people around you to care for yourself and to even brainstorm, like you said. 

And one of the things that I have learned is that people want to give, however, we’re all human and it’s easier for us to give out of our strengths and our wheelhouse. And so whether you start to learn what your friend’s strengths and wheelhouses are, or saying, “I really need help with this, can you help me brainstorm? Who is a good person to ask?” Or even that person could be like, “Well, I talk to her once a week. I’ll just ask her next time I talk to her, see if that’s an option for her.” And you don’t always have to do all the asking yourself. I call it my point person, but you’re right, people do want to help. Some friends are thrilled to go on a walk. Other friends are like, “No girlfriend, I am not going. I’m not sweating.” But that’s the thing I’ve learned. You learn how your friends communicate. Are they good with texts, email, or telephone call? My friends do not email me. They know that I won’t see it unless they tell me. And the other thing I just wanted to add is some people will show up and some people can’t handle what we’re going through and they’re going to fade away. And you just have to look to the Lord to find the right people. And also the great thing too is all of a sudden people that were just in the fringes of your life, all of a sudden they’re there because it’s their wheelhouse and they know how to show up. And so just to be encouraged, you just don’t know what’s going to happen, but you also don’t know who’s going to come in. So I just want to encourage people in being aware of that. 

What’s been the best part of this phase of wellness for you?

Well, for the first time ever, I have a personal trainer that I meet with once in a while. I’m so excited. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always worked out, but every time I work out, I get injured. And so that was hard. Traveling. I love traveling, and it’s been fun. And finding friends who want to travel with me and dare I say, a little bit of dating has been fun. It’s a new season and it’s fun. And I’ve invited people to be on that journey with me as well, so I’m not alone in it. So those are some fun things.

What advice would you give single parents who are in the triage or recovery stages? What hope can you give them?

Hope is in the triage stage. Well, first of all, I would say go see your doctor. Go get a physical. My blood pressure was really high when I was in that stage, I had no idea. So you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. And there were days that I would be like, “I got up. Okay, that is a good day. That’s what I did today.” So to keep your successes small, but just keep focusing on them. Listen to your kids. Go see a counselor if you need to see a counselor. Just don’t give up. But I think that’s what we do as single parents. We just don’t give up. We don’t have a choice, but we just don’t give up. And so obviously Solo Parent has been such a huge part of my healing. And finding a group that understands what you’re going through because your friends may love you, but they don’t always understand because they haven’t been there.

And also, a little piece of advice that was a big deal for me is I realized, sorry to say, but people can say some of the dumbest and or [most] hurtful things and not know it. And people have good intentions, but this is where we just have to let it go, look at their heart, or realize that’s not a person that’s good for you to be around. But the other thing too is, like I said a little earlier, sometimes you have to teach your friends or family or kids how to help you. Doing the dishes at my house is phenomenal. That’s awesome … but it’s hard for me to receive. And definitely during triage, anybody who says they want to help, write their name down because you’re going to forget and then see what’s a good fit with them. And eat healthy and get a little walk in. That’s what I would say.

I have started telling myself, “Good job” or “You’re doing it, girl.” Or there were times earlier this year went through quite the time, and I would look myself in the eyes in the mirror and tell myself, “I love you. You can do this. You’ve got this.” Yesterday I read a Dr. Caroline Leaf post, and one of the things she said was, “Talk to yourself like you are your friend. Give yourself encouragement. Talk positively to yourself.” I was like, “Well, look at me. I’m doing it.” Even at the most painful point I was in earlier this year, with tears in my eyes,  looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “You can do this. You did good today. You’ve got it” can really go a long way. And even if it doesn’t feel like it’s helping at the moment, I promise you it’s helping. We’re kinder to others than we are ourselves.

I love the fact that … you come because you need healing and then you start growing into the next stage, which is recovery. And you start going, “Okay, I’ve got my feet under me a little bit.” And then you get to this wellness stage where you actually start believing you have something to give. And I see that in you, that you are giving to others because of your story. And … in giving and pouring out your story, you not only learn stuff about yourself, but you actually continue to grow. And you are just such a good example of that. And I’m just so grateful for you spending time with us today.

You know what I was thinking, Elizabeth, as we’re talking to them, I can so clearly see and almost remember where I was at when I was in all these different stages. They’re varying, but they’re all part of this journey that builds on each other. And I think that’s one of the things that I have really come to appreciate about Solo Parent and listening to people’s stories, is watching that transition and feeling because it is so hard without some kind of barometer to know where I am, am I ready to date again? Am I ready to dream again like Lana was saying, or should I just stay put and not make any decisions if I’m in triage? It’s so important to tune into this, and we want to make sure that you have access to be able to understand where you are at. So if you go to our show notes, look for a link that says Solo Parent wellness assessment. You can take the short assessment and identify where you are at. And I just think it’s a really valuable tool. 

I’m excited about this assessment tool becauseI remember when I was in triage, seeing people who were five years down the road, seven years down the road, ten years down the road, it gave me hope for where I would be later. And now that I’m in wellness, when I hear people’s stories of being in triage or being in recovery, it a reminds me of how far I’ve come, which is super healing and helpful, but it also maybe even helps me plug into some things that maybe I missed along the way and skipped over, and I can go back and be like, “Ooh, I need to touch on that a little bit more.” Or “I need to grieve that situation a little bit more.”And so it’s a learning tool no matter what phase you’re in. 

Listener Question
What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you as a single parent, and what’s something you’ve done for another single parent?

The first thing that comes to mind as far as the nicest thing, we went to this church and the youth pastor called me up one day and said, “Look, I want to find a Saturday that works for you, and some of the girls in the youth group are going to take your girls and go do stuff, and then the rest of the youth group is going to come to your house and clean it from top to bottom.” And I was floored. It was just like, “Oh my gosh”  I felt seen. I felt appreciated. I felt honored. There was nothing for me to reciprocate. It was just actually done out of the kindness of their heart.

Well, I’ve told my story about Art before—he and his son coming. It was a guy that works at a local coffee shop here, and he approached me and said, “I know you’re part of Solo Parent and we want to give back and serve single parents, and so my son and I would like to come do whatever around your house that you need. We can do small handyman stuff, whatever.” And so they came and weeded and cleaned out my back patio, which was hugely helpful. More recently, a friend of mine, her husband, changed my brakes for me and saved me, I don’t know, $400. And he actually got Jax out there with him to let him help. And so that was super fun. 

What’s something you’ve done for another single parent? The second part of this question

Most recently, a friend of mine, her husband passed away unexpectedly, and I’m really proud of the way our community rallied around her and her kids. He passed away a month or a month and a half before Christmas, and we got her Christmas list and everybody took a gift, and those kids probably had the best Christmas they’ve ever had. [It was] really exciting to be a part of, and we were able to really, really bless them during one of the hardest seasons. I mean, you know how hard the holidays are for it to be. The first one is so rough. And then on top of that, she had no time off of work during that time, and so she was having to work and get her kids taken care of over Christmas break. 

What about you? 

During Covid, all of our lives changed, so I had more time at home and I love cooking. It’s one of my favorite things to do. So I started this little hustle where I cooked homemade meals and I sold them on Facebook. Every Wednesday I would [post the menu] and people would order it. And then for every one that was bought, I provided a free meal for a single parent family. I enjoyed that so much because I was able to do what I love doing—cooking. It scratched the entrepreneurial itch of mine to do a little bit of a business. But more importantly, I got to provide free meals to single parents because … what I’m hearing … whether it’s cleaning or doing handy work or making meals or buying presents, it’s the small little practical things that are done for us that come out of nowhere or that you do out of nowhere that make a huge difference. 

We love hearing from you. If you want to send in a question, go to our website and you will find instructions on how to email, call, or leave a voice message. You can also head over to Instagram or Facebook and send us a question there as well. 

Resources

For the Solo Parent wellness assessment, click here.