Guest: Laurie Lokey, Licensed Professional Counselor and Co-Founder of Resilient Love
The moment you stop striving might be the moment peace finally arrives.
Solo parents know what it means to carry a heavy emotional load. You want to heal. You want to be grounded and whole, not just for your own sake, but for your kids. So you read the books. You do the therapy. You apply the tools and try the techniques. All with the hope that maybe, just maybe, you’ll finally feel at peace.
But what happens when even your best efforts don’t seem to work? When peace keeps slipping through your fingers no matter how much progress you think you’re making?
In this week’s episode, licensed counselor Laurie Lokey joins the conversation to explore a subtle but powerful truth: sometimes the reason we can’t find peace is because we’re trying too hard to fix ourselves. Together, we unpack how the cycle of striving often masks deep shame, how overthinking serves as a strategy of emotional avoidance, and what it really looks like to stop chasing and start allowing peace to find us right where we are.
Key Insights from This Episode
- The belief that we must heal before we are worthy of peace or love
- The quiet shame that emerges after we’ve been emotionally vulnerable
- The exhausting mental loop of overthinking as a form of self-protection
These aren’t just abstract issues. They shape how solo parents show up for themselves and their kids. When we believe we’re not enough unless we’re improving, we end up living in a state of constant performance. And when shame creeps in after we’ve opened our hearts, we withdraw from the very relationships we long for. Over time, we become emotionally disconnected, not because we’re broken, but because we’re scared.
Fixing yourself is not the same thing as loving yourself
Robert began the episode by asking Elizabeth a simple but piercing question: “What’s a telltale sign you don’t love yourself?” Her response was immediate, “I’m always trying to fix myself.” That set the tone for the entire conversation.
As solo parents, it’s easy to confuse healing with hustling. We want to grow. We want to get better. But if we’re honest, the pursuit of “better” often comes from a place of fear. Fear that who we are today isn’t enough. Fear that until we solve everything, we won’t be lovable. Laurie reframed this with wisdom and grace: “Sometimes the next step isn’t fixing. It’s resting.” She reminded us that peace can’t be forced through effort. It’s experienced when we begin to accept our full selves, even the parts still in process.
Robert reflected on his years of therapy and self-help (Tony Robbins seminars, walking on fire, endless podcasts) and yet still feeling defective. The issue wasn’t the tools. It was the belief beneath them: that healing was a prerequisite for worth.
Shame often follows vulnerability, making us want to retreat
Elizabeth shared a story about recently opening up to someone in a moment of raw honesty. In the days that followed, she noticed herself trying to prove she was okay. “I caught myself saying, ‘Look, I’m good now. I’m not a burden.’” That’s how shame works. It sneaks in after we’ve been vulnerable, whispering that our neediness made us unlovable.
Laurie highlighted how deeply embedded this reaction is—especially for those who grew up needing to earn love or hide parts of themselves to stay safe. “We learn to protect our hearts,” she said, “to self-soothe, self-manage, and ultimately disconnect.”
But that self-protection keeps us from intimacy. “To be truly known,” Laurie said, “is terrifying. But that’s where transformation happens.” The only way to unlearn shame is to stay—to let someone see us in our weakness, and believe we’re still worthy of love.
Overthinking disconnects us from ourselves and our peace
Elizabeth opened up about her tendency to spiral into self-doubt over small things. A delayed text response. A conversation that didn’t go as expected. Her mind would run wild with possible meanings: Was I too much? Did I say something wrong? Are they upset with me? The anxiety felt relentless. “My brain just doesn’t stop,” she admitted.
Laurie gently unpacked what was happening. Overthinking is a form of survival. When we’re anxious, we try to gain control by rehearsing every scenario. But in doing so, we disconnect from our bodies and from what’s actually true. “You can’t think your way into peace,” she said. “You have to feel your way there.”
Instead of offering a quick fix, Laurie gave a grounding practice: Catch it. Challenge it. Change it. Not to escape the discomfort, but to step back into truth. When the spiral starts, it’s a chance to pause, ask what’s really going on inside, and choose connection over control.
Listener Question of the Week:
“How can I create more moments of joy, lightness, and connectedness in my day-to-day interactions with my kids?”
Elizabeth offered a beautifully simple answer: “When my son walks through the door, I make sure he sees how happy I am to see him.” That moment of connection costs nothing, but it means everything.
Laurie reminded us that kids don’t just need to feel loved. They need to feel liked. To know they are seen, enjoyed, and celebrated. “Speak to who they are,” she encouraged. “Name the things you love about them.”
And sometimes, joy is silly. Robert described a spontaneous “chocolate ice cream march” he led through the house with his daughters. No rules. Just marching, chanting, laughing, and scooping ice cream straight from the carton. That kind of lightness leaves a mark. “They’ll never forget that,” he said. And they shouldn’t.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Laurie Lokey is a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of Resilient Love, a program that helps people heal from trauma and build healthy relationships. Her work blends clinical expertise with personal experience in a warm, accessible way.
- billandlaurielokey.com: Free video teachings on relationships and emotional health
- resilientloveprogram.com: Group program focused on healing and self-reconnection
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