It is inevitable that our kids are going to be mad at us. Their anger can feel like a heavy weight and sometimes it just pulls us down deep and we don’t know how to deal with it. And so here we are. We are going to talk about parenting a child who’s mad at you, and you’re going to learn three things in this episode. Number one, you’re going to learn about the real reasons our kids get angry. Number two, you’re going to learn about what we can do—our response. And finally, we are going to talk about the importance and how to keep our side of the street clean.

Let’s talk about the real reason that our kids get angry.

I think there are so many reasons. And if you think about it, kids are just little humans. They come equipped with all of the same things we do. And so I think about what makes me angry, but when we look at our kids, maybe they’re afraid. I think about times when my kids were getting angry with me when I’d feel my heart sink and I’d think, “Ugh, it’s coming.” And it was often—I’m thinking about my eldest in particular. He had so much anxiety about school and when I would be holding a boundary that he had to have to get up and get out the door to school, he would get very angry with me. And he was afraid. And fear at its worst can turn into rage where we just have an outburst because we’re trying to do anything to prevent that scary thing from happening. When we’re too immature to handle those big emotions, that’s one of the outcomes. And so I think fear is a big reason. And I also had to confront my own fear. Why does my heart sink? It’s like, “Oh, I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next.”

And remember that just because they’re mad doesn’t mean that they’re actually angry. It could mean that there is fear behind it and the rage behind it, it’s not necessarily anger because anger is more of a passion for something to change. And so I think about another reason that anger could come up, an actual passionate anger. Jax did get upset with me one time recently. He wasn’t necessarily mad, but he had his words and it was because he was feeling misunderstood and that his feelings weren’t validated. And he asked me for something and I just shut it down. I said, “Nope, that’s not happening.” He’s like, “You didn’t even hear me out.” And I was like, “Oh, you’re right. Okay, go ahead. Tell me your reasons.” And I was like, “Okay, yeah, I hear your reasons. The answer’s still no, but thank you for sharing that. And it makes me consider [it] but here’s the reason why the answer’s still no.” That was his anger, his passion for wanting to be understood and wanting to be heard, wanting to be able to use his voice. And yes, maybe for a change in the outcome. And that’s okay too. And so letting him have that voice. But I remember even as a teenager, feeling very misunderstood, especially with my dad, he would do things like talk over me and be like, “Nope. Nope. I’m right. Nope. Doesn’t matter. Nope. I don’t care what you say. Doesn’t matter.” 

Author and psychologist, Chip Dodd has written a book called Voice of the Heart … it’s just a phenomenal book talking about the eight core feelings and how they’re not necessarily bad in and of themselves. They can actually lead to growth. And there’s also an impairment side, but there’s also a gift that each one comes with. And that’s what Elizabeth was referring to. And I’m glad you brought that up because I do think that why our kids get angry is they want something to change. And that’s the example that you used, I think is so good, because I got that too. It’s just shut down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And without any explanation which drove the anger when I was a kid, it even elevated everything because I’m not being understood. And I think one of the other reasons that our kids get angry is boundaries. Especially as they get older, they don’t like limitations. They don’t like being told, “No, you can’t.” And it could be regarding anything, your bedtime, screen, time, privileges, homework, when they feel restricted or treated unfairly. They do not like boundaries. And I think it’s also important to point out here that that’s not a bad thing. Our kids are supposed to push and are supposed to find out where the boundaries are as they’re growing. And so as more of an avoidant type … my heart drops. I’m like, “I don’t want to deal with conflict. I don’t want to deal with this.” And I’ve just noticed something different. I can deal with conflict if it’s between friends or even work. I am not afraid of that. I don’t like it. Nobody likes it. But I don’t know how to deal with family. I am starting to learn that about myself. And it’s because I never saw it modeled to me. And so this point of how to deal with our kids when they’re angry is not just how to get rid of the anger or get things peaceful again. This idea of pushing boundaries or testing the limits, “I want more screen time” or “Other kids are allowed to do that” may have nothing to do with screens. It’s more about boundaries and them pushing.

I know I mentioned in a previous podcast about Jax asking for a Oculus—the

VR thing. He already has one, and he wanted to use his own money to spend $500 on a new one. And his dad and I both were like, “No, that’s not a good use of your money. You already have one.” His dad came to pick him up the other day, and we were standing there talking to him, and Jax said, “Well, but I already told my friends I was going to get a new one on Friday.” And his dad, without missing a beat, goes, “Well, you really jumped the gun on that one, didn’t you?” I was like, “Thank you.” But I thought that was funny. I was like, all right, good. But all that to say, with the boundaries in place, we’re teaching them how to live, how to get through life. So even with that, teaching him, “Hey, don’t tell your friends, you’re going to get something before you’ve even had the final answer” or with the boundaries on the screen time, or we talked about snacks in a previous episode too, where I put boundaries in place for Jax, and I put those boundaries in place early on, and now he actually makes decisions around those boundaries that were put in place. I don’t even have to enforce those boundaries anymore because he was set up to put those boundaries on himself and to understand why. And anytime he did push the limits or did push the boundaries, he understood the consequences of why I put those in place. And it was like, “Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I don’t want to do that now.” You know what I mean? How can we help them understand that their boundaries are actually serving them? And that helps us understand that it’s okay if they get mad because we’re setting them up for success later. It’s not just right here, right now. I’m saying, “I’m actually saying no because this is good for you in the long run.” And I think that brings up a good point that as kids get older, they’re going to have a necessary and important desire for independence where they begin to want to have more say in what they can do and can’t do. And inevitably that will bring up more conflict, more tension, and more anger. It definitely did with me, with my daughter. She pushed boundaries as a teen, and it’s an important part of our story now. But she went through a season of substance use and she hid it very well. And whenever I would try to question her about things … she would get really angry, and her anger was her way of pushing me away, so I wouldn’t get close to that secret she was hiding. And so there’s something really important, having to get really honest with her and confront some behaviors. And she did not like that at all. But in that instance, I felt very secure and grounded in the reality that pushing in and enforcing boundaries was absolutely necessary for her health and her protection. And that made it easier.

On the backside of that, once you find out about some of those things, [there’s going to be] discipline and consequences that happen as part of life, and obviously they aren’t going to like that because it’s uncomfortable and they don’t want it, and they don’t understand why, or they’re like, “It’s not fair” or “You’re the one that’s mad, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault that you’re upset that I did this thing.” Whatever it is, obviously that’s going to create some anger. 

Whether it’s pushing boundaries because of independence or they don’t like the consequences, those are all natural things. The idea of let’s not demonize anger. Let’s recognize that our kids are just voicing a desire and a passion for something to change. It’s hard to live with because they don’t have all the right words, and certainly they know how to push our buttons. And there may actually be another piece of this where it’s just sometimes our kids asking for attention. As single parents, we have limited capacity to be there all the time. And so paying attention to, “Okay, if we believe that anger is saying, ‘I want something to change,’ there may be some things like boundaries, independence, consequences, or whatever it also might be, they need more attention.” And so they’re bringing things up as a way to get attention and get a need filled well. And in fairness, I really need to say that my daughter acting out with substances was a product of loneliness and sadness and some trauma. And so that was her way of signaling she needed attention. It wasn’t a healthy way. It did get my attention. And then she had some consequences she didn’t expect, but I’m actually thankful she learned the lesson at the age she did so that she could learn the lessons from it while she was safely under my care. 

I think about a friend of mine who’s a single mom, and she has a child who’s autistic and has emotional outbursts, especially when he gets overwhelmed and she’s great about recognizing what’s happening and his environment and why he’s having his outburst. And I don’t want to necessarily just pinpoint this on kids who are neurodivergent or autistic, but just thinking about [how] that can bring a lot of emotions. And I’ve been witness to it, and I know for the parent that can be very exhausting. And so just something to call out and think about that we see you. I know you’ve got an acronym—the H.A.L.T. thing. I think it is so important, regulating with our kids’ emotions when they’re overwhelmed, whatever the reason might be. But then also considering that when our needs are met in a healthy way and we’re full of all the things we need, we’re less likely to have anger or outburst. And so the idea of halt H.A.L.T., pay attention when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, and tired, and push pause. Get curious about those things and make sure the need is met first. So often we’re acting out because we’re depleted.

When our kids are getting angry, we understand the real reason. What are some other things that we can do?

I think we have to take responsibility for our role in this situation and acknowledge their feelings. So we can know that yeah, they’re angry at us and that’s fine, but it allows us to kind of separate ourselves from them. If we go back to that guilt episode that we talked about where it’s like we can feel guilty and that can cause us to backtrack or backpedal on some of our decisions, especially if their anger is overwhelming. We have to separate ourselves. And so we have to let them have their feelings and let them be on their side, and our feelings are what ours are, and we have to stand firm and true and know and trust ourselves that we have their best intentions in mind, but we can acknowledge their feelings. 

When Jax gets angry or he gets upset, the first thing I do is say, “I get that. I understand. I know what you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with this before too. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about it.” And that’s the big thing. I want him to know that it’s okay if he’s angry. That’s okay. You can be angry. Of course, you’re angry right now. Of course you’re sad right now. Of course, you’re whatever. I know there have been times too where he’s angry at something outside of me. It’s like his game or he’s angry at a friend, or he’s just got some built up energy in him and he’ll start punching the couch or whatever. I’m like, “Get it out. Get it out. Let it go. Let it go.” 

That’s so healthy. Elizabeth, kudos to you. I love the way you handle that. And I think about all that you said and I’m laughing because it’s an acronym again, but it’s R.E.V. I do this a lot in couples therapy where it’s R is Reflect, “Oh, you sound like you’re angry, you’re really mad, you’re punching the couch.” Empathize, “Wow, it’s hard to be angry. When I’m angry. I feel like punching the couch” and then Validate, “It makes sense that you’d be angry.” And so the idea of R.E.V. can be a really powerful tool and help to address our own anger, reflecting, empathizing, and being kind to self, but then also for our kids. And so much of that we can’t reflect until we listen. And that means listening without interrupting. I’m terrible at this when it comes. I’m actually pretty good with adults, but when it came to my girls, when my girls would come and talk to me and they were angry about something, I would listen long enough to try to figure out where I thought the conversation was going, and I would interrupt and interject and they felt like nothing resolved. And so this idea of listening without interrupting, let them get it out. To your point, Elizabeth, whether it be hitting a pillow or whether it is just having a safe place to express their anger or to express that they’re disappointed without feeling the need to get in there and try to fix something. And I mean, for me, as a codependent and an avoidant, and I just want to regulate the entire conversation … and that’s just not helpful. So I love the R.E.V. acronym, but I also think it ties into being a really good listener and allowing them, one of the biggest things that we can give our kids is a safe place. And that happens when we’re listening. We have to be able to be in it with them and let them understand that their voice is important.

Like I’ve said, I’m avoidant with my kids. I never saw this happen in my home. And so I don’t know how to do that. It’s taken me a long time to kind of figure out some healthy guidelines, because my parents didn’t listen to me. They would interrupt. I remember how that felt. I remember so vividly how that felt, and there was no place for me to show up with what I had going on. And so that’s been a huge, huge, huge thing. If I can be the safe place and the soft place to land and accept [Jax] openly, whatever it is that he’s feeling, thinking, emoting all of it, that’s what I want to be. And I have to separate myself from that in order to be able to do that. The big thing that you’ve talked a lot about, Robert, that you’re so good at, even in your adult relationships, is the curiosity piece. That’s really important with kids. Because a lot of times, they don’t know what they’re feeling. With Jax, I’m like, “Hey, something seems off. You don’t seem like your normal self. You’re a lot more quiet. What’s going on?” Then it’s like, “Well, I wonder if you’re feeling sad or I wonder if you’re feeling this.” And then sometimes he’ll be like, “Yeah, it is sad.” Or sometimes he’ll be like, “No, it’s not sad. I’m just feeling like ____.” But if you can’t get them to talk, asking more questions saying, “Hey, I see this, you seem a little different” helps them feel seen. Even just saying that like, “Oh, wow, she knows me. She knows something’s happening.” You know what I mean? And that’s even a way to open the door and just see what pours out.

And then if they don’t want to talk about it, there’ve been times where Jax has said, “Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it right now,” and that’s fine. And I’m like, “Okay, well, that’s okay. I’m here if you ever do.” And a lot of times though, my mistake has been pushing him in talking about it even after he says he doesn’t want to, where the discomfort of knowing that it’s hanging in the air something’s there and not just letting it sit. I’m like, “Oh, I want to fix it right now.” 

I think all these things are important, and I do think that the curiosity piece is a big one. Dan Siegel talked about that when we had him on, the idea of, “I wonder about this. I wonder about that…” showing interest as another human being. And I think I need to say this because parenting girls through the teenage years, we have to understand sometimes that—almost going back to why they are really angry—as well as how to deal with it is that it may be hormonal. And I know guys go through cycles too, in their own way, but I still do. Some days I wake up and I’m like, “I don’t even know why I’m mad, but I’m just mad. I’m mad. Watch out.” So I think sometimes there is no fix. There is nothing we can do and we have to recognize that. Like, “Yeah, I’m not happy, but I don’t want to talk about it.” It’s like, “Oh, well, what do you mean you’re not happy? It’s like, “Wait, did I do something? What exactly did I screw up? Do you not want to talk to me anymore? Oh, this is the end of our happy relationship. You’re becoming a teenager.” I think the important thing is to just say sometimes it’s just hormonal and we don’t have to overanalyze everything that happens in our home. There’s research out there that shows when a child is going through puberty, their body is changing more than in any other time of their life, more than menopause. The amount of hormones and the amount of things happening in a little boy’s or a little girl’s body when they are going through puberty is absolutely insane. 

How do we keep our side of the street clean?

For someone who hasn’t always been good at this but is getting better by the minute, it’s a magic phrase. I can only control my part. I say this to myself and to my clients all the time. From the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, that’s the control you have. And even then, control is such an illusion. And we can get into significant power struggles with our kids if we begin to try to change their world, change their point of view. If we can just stay on our side of the street and think, “What am I responsible for here? Oh, I’m the parent. I need to set rules that keep them safe and healthy and that will provide them on the right path in life.” That’s a lot better than trying to step over and trying to control or fix or manipulate or change their viewpoint or want them to be happy with you. And so we can’t control what happens around us, but we can control our response. 

Some [listeners] that have been around for a while [will remember] Kim Mitchell; we’re good friends. We were together this weekend and she said something to me that her parents said to her about parenting, it has to do with control. When she was expressing something frustrating about one of her kids, [her dad] just very calmly said, “Just remember, Kim, you are their parent. You are not their God. God is up here and there’s a much bigger piece at play. You’re just your parent.”  And to your point, there’s only so much you can control. And I thought that was really good, especially for me as I look at some of the things that I deal with even now with adult kids.

Yeah, that’s right. And that was such a big part of my story is that acceptance of the things that were happening in our world, the single parent journey, the things that my kids were struggling with, the pain that they were in, and I had to get really aware of my triggers. And one of mine was fear just the way my heart would sink when they would get mad. I would have to start to identify, I feel really alone in this, and that would increase my fear and it would sometimes lead me to control. And instead of keeping my side of the street clean, I would want to press in and try to control things. And so being aware of your triggers can be an important part.

I’m listening to Mel Robbins new book, The Let Them Theory, and the whole book is about adult relationships and the Let Them Theory and it’s “let them” and “let me,” so, “Let them do what they’re going to do” and “Let me do what only I can do.” And basically it is the cure for codependency. I’ll tell you that right now. But she does have a whole section on this stuff with our kids. One of the stories she tells in the book doesn’t have to do with anger, but I think the example will put some framework around this. She was talking about how one of her children would wake up every night in the middle of the night and come into their room. She was scared. And she said, “The biggest mistake I made was the first week of that happening.” She would let her daughter come in and sleep in their bed with them. And then it started happening every single night and her husband was mad and it got so bad that she ended up making her a pallet on the floor. And so her daughter would come into a room every single night, overwhelming anxiety, fear, all these things. And then at one point it got so bad that she and her husband went on an anniversary trip, and the daughter called home and Mel flew home because the daughter was so out of control with her anxiety. And she was like, “What I didn’t realize is how much I was enabling her and enabling the behavior because I was taking it on myself. I was letting my guilt come in. I was trying to do whatever I could to quell it versus helping her learn how to manage through it.” And so she said they started seeing a therapist. A therapist put some guidelines around it, and they ended up solving it and figuring it out. And it was solved within a week once they put the right practices in place. But the point was that she had to let her daughter have her own feelings and she had to be a support system for managing through that versus enabling through it. It’s so hard to do as a single parent. And so I think having those boundaries, keeping your side of the street clean is absolutely necessary. And it’s really hard. I want to say, I want to think that maybe my deadness inside is a gift because it allows me to not get enmeshed with Jax’s emotions when he does have them. 

We do have to step back. In therapy terms, I would call it staying in our functional adult self where we feel grounded and secure and in charge of our own emotions and are fully regulated ourselves so that we don’t unintentionally reduce ourselves to where our kids are or join them and become and entwined, and then just become part of the emotional turmoil and almost the cyclone that happens when we start to twirl together in that emotional upheaval. And so maintaining your deadness or that parental reserve is a really healthy stance where it’s like, “I can’t get involved in the sea of their emotions. I need to step back a bit.” And that’s a healthy thing.

I was in the height of stuff with my oldest going through some really difficult things. I don’t know if I was talking to a therapist or a friend, but I can remember deciding to shut down my feelings in certain areas. I just can’t allow myself to feel anything about what she’s about to tell me. And that’s counter to how I believed, and I still want to believe is what we should be. And that is present with everything listening, not interrupting things that we’ve already said already, but there’s a side to us that we do not have to make ourselves emotionally available when they are telling us something that is just loaded with, and maybe that’s wrong, Amber, you tell me from a therapist perspective, but it was helpful for me. I could actually look at what she was saying at face value rather than “It means I’m a bad parent. It means that she’s like her mom. It means…” I didn’t attach it to anything. I just stayed present with the facts.

And I think that that’s a level of self-control that feels like we’re acting like adults as parents. We are maintaining that stability and calm, acknowledging what they’re feeling, maybe even having a hint of, I feel kind of guilty here, but not entering into it in a way that reduces us to parent and react versus respond. We really need to respond when our kids are angry versus react.

Last night, Jax was telling me something, and I can’t remember exactly what it was, but he told me something and I said, “Oh, well, what was that?” I asked the question and he gave me some really snarky remark that was like, “Well, duh, it was dah, dah, dah, duh, whatever, fill in the blank. I can’t even remember what it was. And immediately I said, “I’m sorry. Please do not talk to me that way.” And then he goes, “Oh, I’m sorry.” He said, “I’m really sorry. The words just came out. I didn’t even think about what I said.” And I said, “That’s okay. Thank you for apologizing, but I forgive you. I understand. That’s okay.” And then that was it. It was done. I think with that, it’s like, I have a standard. You’re not going to talk to me like that. But it didn’t have to carry on further. And I think the reason why I prefer reacting that way in those scenarios is that he never talks to me that way. You know what I mean? It’s not an ongoing thing that’s happened yet. I know that this is the beginning. But even if I can practice that now as it’s building, I’m sure there’s going to be more of that. I’m going to get on his nerves at some point. I remember even being that way with my parents and I was grounded. I would get smacked. If I had a snarky comment or any kind of attitude, it was not met with grace, it was not met with anything. It was, “How dare you.” And I don’t want to be that way. So all that to say, I’m taking a lot of the opposite of how I was raised and I’m going to turn it in the right direction.

Takeaways

1. When our kids are mad at us, they’re often feeling misunderstood or they want independence or reacting to boundaries, or they just simply want more attention. There’s a reason behind it. They may not just be going, “You never let me have a Snickers bar.” There’s probably something behind it. There are real reasons that they’re angry. 
2. We can foster a healthy relationship even in our kids’ anger by choosing to listen, take responsibility for what’s ours and acknowledge what they’re feeling. 
3. Although we can’t control what happens around us, we can focus on keeping our side of the street clean and control how we respond versus reacting

Listener Question

It’s like pulling teeth to get my son to take a shower. Are there any tips on how to get your child to bathe without it being a battle every time? 

I had three girls, but I’m married now and she had three boys. I had three girls and three boys living in the house for six years. And I’ll say that the struggle is real. It’s unbelievable how long people can go without bathing. And I don’t think there’s necessarily a silver bullet. One of the things that I picked up is you have to figure out what’s valuable to them, and then you negotiate with that. And it’s different for everybody.If you want to play video games, you’re going to have to do X, Y, and Z, and you can make the choice to not shower. But that means you’re not going to get this—without attaching a bunch of accusations or whatever. My expectation is that you clean yourself once a day after going out and being sweaty and all the stuff. And that’s just what I expect of you. And if you continue to do that, then you’ll get what you want.

I think of two things: “when then and then then.” So when you take a shower, then you can play Xbox. Once you’re clean, then you can go spend time with your friends. If you don’t take a shower, then you won’t play Xbox all week. The other thing I wonder about is getting curious. We talked about it in this podcast episode and what obstacles are in the way. Would it be better if they took a shower right before dinner or could they switch to the morning? Or is the soap irritating to their skin? And I’m probably coming from a unique perspective with a child [who has] some sensory needs that were specific, but getting curious about the reason why a behavior was hard and then helping to resource and overcome those objections to clear the path for success can sometimes be helpful. “What about it is hard?”

I’m currently going through this with Jax. He does not like to bathe. He’ll get in the shower, but he’ll just stand there and then act like he did something. And he hasn’t. His dad has called me multiple times saying he’s dealing with the same thing. “How can I help him?” And I’m like, “What I do is I smell him after. I also have his shower set up in a way where I know if he’s showered or not. And so I’ll go in there and check and see if he’s bathed. And when he hasn’t, which has been several times, I’ll say, “Well get back in the shower and I’m going to help you do it this time.” Hose him down. Or I’ll stand there and watch ’em like, okay, let me see that your loofa is all lathered up. And I hold him to it. It’s like, “Well you could have had more time playing your game, but instead you have to shower a second time. You didn’t do it the first time.” I know you can’t do that when they’re older, but that’s where I’m at right now. In listening to Mel Robbins book, one of the things she talks about is how we all think that we’re the exception to rules. I think about Jax coming home and saying, “Oh, there’s this guy I have to sit next to on the bus, and he smells so bad.” And I could very easily throw that in his face and be like, “Well, you’re going to be that kid if you don’t start bathing,” but you’re always the exception. So shaming him, doing stuff like that does not work. It doesn’t work at all. Sometimes you just have to let life’s consequences come at ’em. Sometimes they might have to be the stinky kid on the bus and get made. That’s true. Or have greasy hair and someone goes, “Your hair is so greasy.” They come home and [you] say, “Maybe you should wash it.”

We love hearing from you. If you want to send in a question, go to our website and you will find instructions on how to email, call, or leave a voice message. You can also head over to Instagram or Facebook and send us a question there as well.