Sometimes loneliness cuts so deep that we’ll accept less than what we want or deserve. We’re willing to take love from anyone. We can get both in romantic and non-romantic relationships. Sometimes it’s really love, but other times it’s simply a solution for our loneliness. How can we tell the difference in our relationships?
We’re going to cover this in three main points. Number one, how loneliness and love are so intertwined. Number two, why we don’t want to be lonely, and three questions to ask ourselves about this whole matter.
Describe a time where you’ve settled in a relationship, romantic or not because you were lonely and what you did to recognize it and get out.
SoloCon of 2023, I shared a story about a guy I was dating on-again, off-again for a while, and I went back after he treated me really poorly. And he started sliding back into my dms, if you will, earlier the next year. I was feeling pretty lonely. And I was like, “He’s cute and he’s a single dad and we had fun together.” So I went ahead and we hung out again for a while. Went on a few dates, and then I went on spring break with Jax. He followed us down there with his kids and it was on that trip that I mentioned to him that I wanted to solidify the thing. We’d been hanging out again for a couple of months. It was like, “All right, I’m ready. This a relationship.” And he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t ready for that. I was like, “Okay, well that sucks.” And we get back from spring break and Covid is in full swing. All the kids are out of school, and we have both had our kids for two weeks of Covid at home doing the whole homeschool thing. Jax went to his dad’s and he texted me. He was like, “Hey, what do you have going on? Jax going back to his dad’s?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he said, “Well, you want to come over and watch Ozark and order some takeout and to-go margaritas?” I was like, “Yeah, let’s do it.” And so I show up over there, and we’re sitting there watching a show, waiting on our food to get there, and somebody comes through the door and we both look at each other. We’re like,well the to-go guy wouldn’t have just opened the door and dropped the food. So he goes out, leaves his bonus room where we’re sitting to go see who it is, see what’s going on. And a blonde girl shows up in the doorway and is screaming her head off, “I can’t believe you did this again. Who is she?” All this stuff. They were in the front yard arguing and yelling at each other. And I called my best friend. I was like, “What am I doing? What do I do?” And she was like, “Leave now.” I was like, “I have margaritas and tacos waiting. I’m not going anywhere.” So anyway, I called the place, the food got there, walked out to the front porch where the man had left it, picked up my food, and margaritas, walked between them as they’re yelling at each other and said, “Excuse me” and got in my car and left, went home, set up all my food, my margaritas, and watched. “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
So was that love or loneliness?
No, it was loneliness.
Let’s talk about how loneliness and love are actually intertwined.
Loneliness is often described as the feeling we have when our need for social contact and relationships isn’t met. And so by contrast, love is when we are feeling very connected and our needs are being met and hopefully in a healthy way. We had that episode just last week about how to have a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy one. And so this is kind of a continuation. How do we know if it’s healthy love versus loneliness? I think we’re all susceptible to loneliness. I know I am. We were chuckling before we got started about how difficult it can be to discern the difference because people hate feeling lonely. Humans have a basic need for a sense of social connection and belonging and loneliness goes against our natural desire for companionship and for emotional connections. Psychology Today says that the opposite of loneliness is contentment or joy. Often we’re told by society that it can be fixed with love. And we see this all the time on social media, TikTok, movies, books, dating apps, our society places a high value on romantic partnerships, and they’re often portrayed as—if you’re in a good relationship or maybe any relationship—then that’s the key to happiness. Since I was a tiny little girl, the idea of finding Prince Charming and then living happily ever after is a consistent theme in our culture.
Loneliness can easily play tricks on you and convince you that it’s love. And I know I’ve fallen into that camp of being love hungry. And so one thing that I’ve found over the years is that I have a tendency to accept “less than” or accept breadcrumbs or accept the “Well, it’s better than nothing” mindset. I’d rather be with someone than be lonely and feel the pain of that loneliness. I don’t know exactly where this comes from. I’m the oldest of five. I grew up in a chaotic household. So I’ve had to learn how to have a quiet house, honestly, and to be more of a loner, if you will, to not have all the chaos happening all around me. And it’s put me in touch with my loneliness and put me in touch with that craving for love. But it hasn’t always happened the right way until I recognize, “Hey, I’m actually just feeling lonely, but I still have value and need to live into that value versus living out of my loneliness.” You know what I mean?
I think it’s really chronic, and even the Surgeon General released a report in 2023 about loneliness and how it’s an epidemic. And the report says that one in two Americans say that they’re lonely, and loneliness is so bad for us, not just in how we feel and not having our needs, but even the physical impact. So if you’re lonely, you’re 29% more at risk for heart disease, 32% higher risk of stroke. And especially adolescents have a much higher risk of anxiety and depression. The impacts aren’t just in our social connection and how we feel. Is our love tank filled up or not? They’re physiological too. And so it’s actually really bad for us to be lonely in our bodies. The impact is the same impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
And if you report having social connections, your odds of survival are 50% better. And so it’s just a huge impact. This topic of love vs. loneliness is super relevant. I’m living alone for the first time in a very long time. I had my kids full-time for many years, for almost 10 years, and now I’m alone for the first time, and I am having to decide, “Are the relationships that I’m reaching for, are they truly love? Or am I filling an empty place inside of me?”
When I think about how love and loneliness are intertwined, I think a lot about what Chip Dodd talks about in the sense of loneliness, how it really is just pointing out the fact that we weren’t meant to do life alone. And it’s natural loneliness in that sense. It can be an impairment for sure, but the gift of it is also recognizing our need for connection. The key is discerning the difference between love and loneliness. We have to examine the fruit of our emotions. Does the connection you feel with someone bring joy, peace, and mutual growth? Or does it just make us feel anxious, insecure, and independent? The loneliness drives us to seek out love. I think that’s a natural thing for us, that they are intertwined. The problem is [recognizing] if that is a cope or is something that is actually filling our tank in a positive way? We just don’t want to be alone. Loneliness is bigger than just being alone, this ache. I think that we have to be loved. And whether it’s with a romantic connection or with somebody else, I think it’s a natural part of life. It goes without saying that love and loneliness are intertwined.
We can attest to the fact that you can be in a relationship and be lonelier than you’ve ever been in your life. A hundred percent. [Just] because it’s someone occupying space doesn’t take away loneliness. Sometimes it makes it worse. Is it rooted in selflessness and mutual care? That’s what love is. That’s where the love pours out and that sense of peace and the joy that you mentioned. But if it’s driven by neediness or fear, the desire to fill the void, it’s likely loneliness, not love at the core. And just having somebody to sit there and watch TV with or somebody to help you do the dishes, or help you choose dinner, that’s not love. You’re still going to have that ache and that emptiness inside. And so why settle for that?
Let’s talk about why we don’t want to be lonely.
There’s a pretty long quote that we pulled that I want to read, but there’s one piece in particular that I want to harp on a little bit, especially for single parents. I’m going to read the whole quote, so stay with me. Counselor Dr. Kurt Smith says, “People tell me that they’re afraid of being alone, but they can have various reasons why some just want companionship, such as having someone to come home to or talk to. At the end of the day, sex is vital to most people. So sometimes not wanting to be alone is about being able to have sex regularly. Daily life is easier when shared with someone else. Caring for kids, doing laundry, paying everyday living expenses, etc. are all harder when they fall on just you. Not having to sit alone in a restaurant or being the third wheel in group settings are situations many people want to avoid. Unfortunately, some people prioritize these things more than they do their happiness and settle for a relationship that is less than what they truly want and deserve because they dread being alone. Sadly, one of the biggest mistakes we can all make is to let fear control us.”
I’ll just harp on that daily life piece of it, man, it is really hard not having someone to help with the dishes, help with the laundry, help with choosing what we’re having for dinner, help with carrying kids back and forth to all the things. I was even thinking this morning as I’m up at 6 a.m. getting Jax ready for school and taking him through the car rider line, how nice it would be if I didn’t have to do this every day. And how much more I could get done to have that extra hour in the morning because it takes, well, it takes about an hour and a half from waking him up to dropping him off and getting back home, how much more I could do with that hour and a half every day. And I feel like as single parents, it would be really easy to just go find the next dude or woman along the path to come and help fill that void.
We’re not too far out from the holidays. I had a moment just as the new year was beginning where I thought to myself, “I am so tired of doing everything alone. It’s just so hard and exhausting to be the only one on the hook.” I had some car repair issues and I’m thinking, “I need a second car. I don’t have a second car. When my car goes in for repair, what am I going to end up doing?” And so a friend offered to let me loan me one of their cars because they have more than one. But I just felt that acute sense of “I am in it alone.” And it really highlighted loneliness, and I don’t typically feel that way, but the temptation to just have someone to share the burden is huge. And the longer you’re a single parent, the more it has its own gravity pull. You don’t want to do all the tasks alone. It’d be so helpful to have someone helping out. Or even for me, it was like, “I want to be able to go out to dinner on the regular with someone. Or I got invited to a party and I want to go with someone. I’m tired of just showing up by myself and rehashing the story. And that was a huge thing for a more predictable posture rather than feeling like, “Oh, here we are.” I mean, it is predictable. You’re alone, but it’s a different predictable.
I’m thinking of even finances. My brakes need to be changed. I need a new washer and dryer. There’s some other big expense. I can’t remember what it is, but I am sitting here staring at it, so I’ve got to make a budget. I actually talked to a friend over the weekend. I went to dinner with her and her husband. I’m sitting there with one other single mom. Thankfully we had each other, but I told them, “I drove here thinking I really wish I knew how to change my brakes myself, because I got quoted $1,300 to change my brakes. What am I supposed to do?” So anyway, he was like, “Well, if you’ll buy the things, I’ll help change it.” He was like, “I just changed ours. I have all the tools.” I was like, “Well, will you teach me? I would rather just go ahead and learn how to do it so I don’t have to pay $1,300.” But it’s just stuff like that. I mean, I’ve got this crazy mortgage that I wish somebody was sharing with me. I had kind of a bad holiday season feeling super lonely, sad, all the things. And Jax’s dad [and I] were texting about gifts. We go in together on gifts. We don’t do separate gifts. There’s no reason for him to have all these big toys at two households. So anyway, he was like, “Well, just tell me how much I owe you. I’ll send it to you immediately.” And I’m thinking, “Well, that’s nice that he can just pop over with the money as soon as he has it.” And then I’m like, “Elizabeth, he shares his house payment, he has a significant other that’s sharing all of this. So of course he can Venmo me immediately. It’s a lot easier.” If it were me, I’d be like, “Hey, can we spread this out over a few weeks?” That’s the thing about loneliness, why we don’t like it. It’s not just the feeling of loneliness. It is the actual practical side of it too.
And there’s a societal pressure to be in a relationship, going out with other couples for dinner or just joining people where you don’t want to feel like you’re the third wheel. I am on the dating apps because I’m single and probably lonely. And guys will say, “I’m tired of being the third wheel. I need someone. I need a plus one.” And I’m thinking, “Me too.” So there’s a lot of pressure to have someone with you. Or, I think about travel. I would really like to travel more internationally. And yes, I could do it alone but it’s such a big expense of time and resources, and I don’t want to experience it alone. I could; I’’m independent enough, but it wouldn’t be the experience I truly want. Shared experiences are so much better. But I think emotional dependency also becomes something that we rely on. I know I did, being married, and especially when you’re in that first transition, maybe even those first few years. You don’t want to be a burden to other people. You don’t really know how to reach out, who to reach out to. It’s really hard to know who you can be emotionally relying on, and it’s hard to open yourself up in that way. And so it would be easier or more intuitive to have a partner that you can just emotionally dump on. It can feel safer to have someone there that you can just show up fully with. And so it almost incentivizes us to jump into a relationship sooner just to fill that emotional dependency and [have] that support that we’re longing for versus having to put ourselves out there in a more vulnerable way. For me, it’s harder to put my emotional dumping out on a friend versus having someone who almost has to be there.
I think what ties into that for me is that I just want to feel wanted and needed for my own validation and insecurity. I remember feeling lonely and not wanting to feel lonely, [and thinking], “I just am a loser. Nobody wants me.” And you want to feel wanted and you want feel validated. And so I think that’s one that really affected me and kept me in a place of almost shaming myself. “I’m not worthy of love.” So there’s a lot of reasons why we don’t want to feel lonely. There are a lot of reasons we lean into what may be unhealthy. One of mine is I am tired of being single. I’m tired of being out there on the market, so to speak, and it’s just an exhausting process. And so I think you begin to consider, “Maybe I’ll get into a relationship with someone who’s almost good enough.” And I think that’s a real temptation, that we can become afraid that we won’t find someone better, and we will settle for someone who’s available rather than holding out for what we truly want and need. And I think there’s a constant tension.
Let’s talk about some of the questions we can ask ourselves or a checklist.
If we’re in a relationship and we’re wondering, “Is it love or is it loneliness?” we can ask ourselves, “Do you feel defensive, uneasy, or resistant?” If someone questions your relationship. I’ve been in the hot seat before having to answer questions from friends. If there’s something in you that feels resistant, it may be that you’re in a relationship that you’re not fully comfortable in or feeling satisfied, and you’re really convinced it is love. Maybe you’re settling.
What we talked about earlier is the driving motivation for having somebody in everyday life, an extra set of hands. Is that what’s driving you? Are you just so exhausted, which is totally normal, and feel like, “Can I just have anybody help me out here?”
Another question I think is helpful in determining the difference between love and loneliness is, “Do you love the person for who they are or do you love them for how they make you feel?” We talked about this last week with Laurie, about intimacy, and so much of that has to do with awareness of yourself and what’s going on inside. And so appreciating someone else for who they are is typically a sign that there’s real love there. It’s not just how they make you feel. It’s not just a temporary cope or a bandaid of, “Well, at least I don’t feel like I have to go to this party alone, or I have someone to help do the dishes.” I think that’s also a very important question to ask.
I think that is absolutely crucial, asking at its core, “Is this relationship driven by neediness, fear, or the desire to fill a void? Or is it actually nourishing or depleting?” If it’s nourishing, maybe it’s love. But if it’s depleting you in some way, you really have to consider, are you just filling a void?
These aren’t necessarily questions to ask in the immediate, because I can think of situations where I’ve been in a healthy relationship where I’d say, “Is this nourishing or depleting?”And this is absolutely depleting because I’m so frustrated in the moment. But we have to look at it holistically. It’s a big picture. Is this actually moving me in a healthy growth direction or this just draining me? Is it expansive or confining?
That’s a big one for me. I hate feeling like I’m trapped, so I tend to come out swinging. But I think about that with relationships. Is it something that’s moving you towards being your best self? Are you expanding as a person? Are you expanding towards your dreams and your goals and what you want for your life? Is it causing you to actually reach and strive for something more? Or is it causing you to kind of cower back, get small like Laurie was talking about? Expanding in the sense of emotionally, spiritually, all those things in my life, actually expanding my worldview.
You could ask your friends, “Am I settling in this relationship?” And you’ll be surprised. I think that’s a really important question—to not live your life in a vacuum. One, it’s so healthy and strong to feel connected to your friends, to let them into your personal world appropriately, your close friends. And even just in asking that question, maybe alleviating some of the loneliness, not having to face the decision alone, getting a second opinion, having a sounding board, helping you notice blind spots, all of that kind of healthy reach with our friends matters for this topic.It’s so important to seek that kind of input, especially from people who aren’t getting something out of the relationship. If I’m in a relationship with you romantically, we’re both receiving something from that relationship. It’s almost impossible to be a completely neutral gauge. So if there’s a surrounding group of witnesses or friends that can honestly give you that opinion, then yeah, I think it’s really important to go there.
Another thing that you can think about is, “Can you be your authentic self? Or do you fear losing a relationship so much that you resort to—or maybe you adapt to—whoever they want you to be. So if you’re already in a relationship, is the fear driving you, that you don’t want to be alone again? Or maybe you’re like, “Hey, I really don’t want to be alone, so I’ll just jump right in.” But what Laurie talked about last week [is important], knowing who you are and being healthy in yourself so that you can get into a healthy relationship and be able to stand on your own two feet inside that relationship.
That ties into another important question. “Do you sacrifice your values or standards while being in this relationship?” If you are, you’re not staying true to yourself. You’re abandoning things that are really important to you. That’s definitely something to pay attention to. And then a follow up for that is, “Do you find yourself continually making excuses for them?” Where something isn’t quite right, but you’ll continue to watch it, rationalize it, which is really easy to do. I think along the lines, and we’ve touched on it, but what it says to me is, “Is it a safe place to actually show up and be appreciated for who you are and you don’t have to change to be something different?” I’m a very performance-based kind of person, and so I would show up in relationships kind of becoming a version of myself that either the other person wanted or I perceived was needed. And that’s a codependency. But I think it also ties into loneliness in the sense of, “Well, it’s not love.” Just knowing that I have to constantly perform.
“If someone told you there was someone better out there, would you feel relieved?” Yeah, it’s a great question. All of these are so reflective to help us discern “Is it love or is it loneliness?” And we want to be with someone where, if we ask the question, “Is love freely given and freely received?” it feels like there’s a real reciprocity that I’m able to give love and receive it. If we’re in a one-sided relationship, we are almost certainly settling. It is loneliness, we’re getting something out of it, but maybe not enough. Maybe we’re having to give too much, and maybe we need to examine ourselves. Maybe we’re the one being selfish in a relationship. So I think that’s another good question for discerning the difference.
I want a disclaimer to all these questions that there’s no perfect answer to any of these. There’s so many nuances. We talk all the time about awareness and inventory and all that. These are just tools to ask ourselves. But I could go to the healthiest relationships that I have and answer, “Not a hundred percent of the time.” There are definitely some relationships that are really healthy that feel confining at times. These are not absolutes. And so I just want to hold that a little loosely. These are good tools to ask if I am making decisions based on love or loneliness. But they’re not the gospel truth in the sense of: “If they check yes on all of these, they’re a perfect mate for you.” Or “If there’s a couple that they don’t [check], throw them out.” Because there is a component of love that is sacrificial. And so we do find ourselves giving in a relationship or finding some type of balance. Sometimes we’re more of the giver, and other times we’re more the receiver. And so yeah, the nuances are there. And that’s important to look at too, as someone that’s married again. My wife and I will say that I have learned a lot because of that. What I could have seen as confining—I like to take chances, take risks, whatever—she’s a straight up, “No, this is what we do.” And I have come to value that. So again, to your point, this is not just self-centered, [as in] “Do they meet my standards?” This is also “What am I bringing to the table?” And maybe I’m answering [negatively] because I have growth to do in my own life.
Takeaways
- As single parents, we are susceptible to loneliness, and we may seek out or hold onto a relationship because of the loneliness that we feel, not love.
- Societal pressure, emotional dependency, low self-esteem, and unhealthy relationship patterns are all reasons we’re afraid to be lonely.
- There are several questions we can ask ourselves to discern between love and loneliness. And if we’re afraid or resistant to these questions, it could be a sign that you’re in a relationship because of loneliness and not love.
Listener Question
What’s your best or worst Valentine’s Day memory? Do you celebrate it? And if so, how?
I don’t celebrate it. I don’t like Valentine’s Day. Never have. So we don’t go out to eat. No, there’s mostly a card, but it’s not a big gift or whatever. I just feel so Hallmarked out just, and frankly, you can’t get into restaurants and the service is bad. And it’s like we do celebrate a version of Valentine’s Day in a sense, but it’s not called Valentine’s Day. There’s something that’s kind of anti-Valentine’s Day, and I always have been. Maybe I’m just a guy, so I’d love your opinion on it.
Well, I haven’t had any real remarkable ones either. Best or worse. It’s just been sort of another day. And I guess I was fortunate enough not to have any major heartbreaks on Valentine’s, but nothing significant either. So I wish I could answer this one better, but I don’t have any great highlights. I could kind of take it or leave it. It’s one more opportunity to maybe pass or fail, whatever the expectations are on that day. And I do think it’s manufactured. So for me, it’s not super significant. If you need a holiday to declare your love for someone, shouldn’t you be doing that every day?
I think when I was younger, I expected a lot more out of it because I was love hungry and wanted someone. I was like, “Oh, great. We have this big significant thing that forces you to show me that you love me.” You know what I mean? So you better step up. And now, I don’t know if it’s cynicism or if it’s just more of a reality of, “Yeah, it’s fine.” Whatever. I don’t expect anything. I don’t really care to celebrate it. It just is what it is. And it is Hallmarked out, and I would rather just have other celebrations every other day. [I’d rather have] someone just come and bring flowers and chocolates one day just because. Not because Hallmark or the calendar told him to.
This isn’t a great warm fuzzy, but my ex-husband was pretty good at Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have super remarkable ones, but he never fell in the dirt about it. And so it was always marked well enough. But does that really matter? At the end of the day, someone could be really good at a Valentine’s Day, but what I really want is consistency, faithfulness, legit fidelity. Sounds like a good Valentine’s Day to me. I feel certain someone who’s listening can relate. So I’m not alone in that.
One of the worst Valentine’s Day was more shame-based than anything. I wasn’t married yet, I was kind of in the dating pool. So this girl really liked me. She was really into [me], and [for me] it was definitely loneliness. It wasn’t love for me. And I didn’t really realize how much she liked me until we got together for Valentine’s Day, and she brought me so many freaking gifts, four or five gifts. Here’s a chocolate, here’s a watch band. And I got her a card and I felt terrible. That was one that didn’t work out.
Another one, I was dating two girls at the same time, and they were both named Jennifer, one was long distance in Texas and one was here in Tennessee. And I had my assistant at the time keep track. So I sent them both exactly the same card so I could write exactly the same thing. So if I had to say, “Did you like the card?” I knew wouldn’t get it wrong. So one of the Jennifers called, and [my assistant] was busy, and she told me, “Hey, Jennifer’s on the phone.” I’m like, “Which Jennifer?” She’s like, “Oh, I don’t know. I forgot to ask.” I’m like, “Oh, crap.” And so I had to get on the phone and [say], “So how’s it going? What’s the weather like there?” I didn’t get caught, but I remember for a good five minutes, I was on the hot seat trying to go, “Which one is that? Texas?”
I do have the worst Valentine’s Day story, and I was in my twenties. This was before marriage. It was the guy I dated before my ex-husband. I likely put the pressure on him to do something. But we were supposed to go out on a date. He shows up an hour and a half late for our date, picking me up with three very different roses. One was kind of broken, clearly the last three roses at Kroger, right? Like the last three you see that are just in different things. Showed up with that and took me to 101st Airborne by the airport, and it was this nice, white tablecloth, low lit restaurant. But I never had the pleasure of eating there because we showed up and sat down at our table, they brought us some water, and he looked at the menu and said, “I wasn’t prepared to pay this much for dinner. Do you mind if we leave?” [I was ] livid. Oh, I was [dressed] to the nines. I had a big fur coat on. I was so excited. We went to Longhorn down the street on Murfreesboro Road. We walked on peanuts all the way to our table.
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