We aren’t born with a natural ability to forgive. It’s a trait that we have to develop because it runs counter to our instincts, and as single parents, we often have significant trauma, pain, and obstacles that make forgiveness especially hard. It seems there are often more reasons to not forgive than to actually forgive. So how can we become a more forgiving person?
Today we’re going to cover this in three main points. Number one, we’re going to talk about why forgiveness is so dang hard. Number two, we’re going to talk about our need for and the benefits of forgiveness. And finally we’re going to talk about the boundaries in forgiving.
The question at the top, what is the most difficult part of forgiveness for you personally?
I mean, what’s not hard about forgiveness? It’s so challenging in every way, but I think the most difficult part for me is the pain. If I have to forgive someone, it’s because something painful and difficult has happened and so I think it’s the pain that it represents.
Why is forgiveness so hard for us?
First we have to understand and accept that it is difficult and that’s okay. It’s actually an intentional choice that our entire being wants to fight against and protect our heart from more hurt. It’s natural that our bodies just ultimately go to, “Oh, remember that thing that happened? Don’t do that again. Don’t get caught in that again. You don’t want to hurt like that.” And so we might also feel like we’re too weak to forgive because of that: I’m not strong enough to forgive this person because I don’t want to go back into that pain or I haven’t healed from it yet, and my body just automatically reacts to it. My mind goes back to that place really easily. And so it makes it really difficult.
In many ways, unforgiveness can almost act like a shield—at least, that’s what we think it’s doing. It’s a shield that we put in front of that hurt and pain to say, “No, not again. I can’t let that happen again.” And so it can almost seem like it’s serving a function, but in reality it’s a wall for us too.
I think unforgiveness kind of feels good. I don’t want to let go of anger. I feel entitled to it; you’ve done me wrong and it feels good to stew in this place. I know it’s not healthy, but that’s why it’s hard as I think back to some of the darker things that have happened to me. I didn’t want to forgive because [I felt] that person didn’t deserve my forgiveness and the dynamic was like I’m going to hold onto this anger and revenge until the day I die. [Forgiveness is] counterintuitive. You did me wrong. I don’t want to forgive.
I think that’s a key part of why it’s so hard, but also something to accept. We shouldn’t brush over or breeze past things that are wrongly done to us. It shouldn’t be something we look at lightly. We do need to rightsize and address the truth of what happened so we’re not in denial and so we know there is something to be forgiven because I matter. What happened mattered, what they did mattered. It’s not forgetting and it’s not minimizing, nor is it deflecting responsibility, but it’s helping us get out from behind that wall and shield that we think is protective but is also, in many ways, preventive for healthy interaction.
One of the things that comes to mind too is how exhausting it is, and that we have to do it over and over. If somebody keeps hurting us (and we’ll talk about boundaries and what that looks like), we have to do it over and over and it’s exhausting. It’s like, Man, how many more chances do I have to give this person?
It is exhausting and it takes a lot of time and I don’t like that. We live in a society where you take a pill and it makes you feel better. But [forgiveness is] not that. It is something that takes time and it’s a decision that we often don’t want to make because it doesn’t feel fair—and it’s not. But it’s important to recognize the fact that it’s hard and it’s not natural. I don’t know that you can have true forgiveness unless you’ve really kind of sat in that [understanding of] I have been wronged.
[The way] I was taught really stacked on a lot of shame. I was taught that you forgive because much has been forgiven. And I agree with that. But I really had this belief about how [forgiveness] should be simple. It should just be something that you do: someone stubs your toe or bumps into you and you say you’re sorry. But some wounds are really deep and I don’t want to let it go.
If you have the benefit of knowing them as a person and knowing their story, [it’s easier] to have empathy for the other person. When we’re trapped in this web of inability to forgive, we’re almost making it too much about ourselves. I think that it’s important to recognize how you’ve been hurt and to be able to sit with the understanding that, Yes, I’ve been hurt. (I’m not talking about abuse situations or these really horrific things.) I’m thinking about two friends who hurt one another. [When there’s] someone I do want to remain in relationship with, how can I put myself in their shoes and remove a little bit of “poor, pitiful me” victim mentality? [How can I] rightsize it and be able to see and have empathy for the other person and get into their mind, their heart, and understand their perspective?
We all have false beliefs about what forgiveness is as well, which plays into it being difficult. We think that it’s” forgive and forget” or forgiveness is somehow saying that what happened is okay. Forgiveness is not always about reconciliation, and so we can get really blocked, but it is healthy for us to work towards forgiveness.
What are the needs and benefits of forgiveness?
A key starting point is to recognize that we all need forgiveness. This became so profoundly clear to me as I was in the middle of divorce and had experienced some very deep hurts in my marriage. And I was so quick to point responsibility toward my ex for his choices. He had done some things that were deeply impactful and painful and I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I was holding onto it. I was bitter. I was angry. I couldn’t see past it. I vilified him. I remember that yucky dark feeling of not forgiving him and being stuck in the hurt and pain and anger of it. And it began to shift for me. God began nudging me about forgiveness by helping me see my mistakes and the areas I needed to be forgiven in.
I became very humbled by some of the mistakes I made as a single parent. I remember one time particularly—I was having an argument with my ex while we were (I thought) trying to work it out. I discovered dishonesty and it crushed and absolutely infuriated me. And I remember this feeling of murderous rage came over me. I knew in that moment my heart had gone to a place that was so dark and black that it wasn’t any different than the things that were dark and black in him that had caused me pain. And I can still remember having that sense of, “Whoa, I am so human. There’s nothing that divides me from the rest of humanity and my need for forgiveness.” And it really helped me begin to know, “Man, I need grace. And actually he does too.” That was a profound experience for me and really helped me understand I need forgiveness and so does everyone else.
In his book, “Living Fearless,” Jamie Winship talks about the role that forgiveness plays in our life relative to our relationship with God. If we’re holding onto this thing, it blocks authentic connection with God, with others, not just the person that you have an infraction with. I saw an example of this when I was in the music business. I did something really terrible. I wrote about this in my book: I keyed a car. I vandalized a car when I was the president of a record company. I was drunk and I didn’t remember it.
But then I was confronted about it and it all came rushing back. And I remember having to go to my competitor (another record company president) and owning it. And it changed my life when he forgave me. Our record company was extremely successful at that point. And we were, interestingly enough, neck and neck for market share with that person’s company. He could have taken me out. He could have destroyed me, my family, my reputation, all of it. But he didn’t. He said, “If anyone talks about this on our staff now that you’ve asked for forgiveness and I’m forgiving you, I’ll fire them because this is a debt that has been paid.” And then he read me some scripture and gave me his Bible and prayed with me.
That is one of three things that really changed the course of my life. I saw that people are really serious about their faith and not just their faith in God, but their faith in others. We’ve all done something stupid but there is so much power in the act of forgiveness and in receiving forgiveness. If we can go back and recognize a time we have been forgiven [because] we all have fallen short, it just reinforces the need for the freedom that comes with the act of forgiveness. It affects our life if we hold onto these grudges. And I held onto a lot of stuff with my ex because of the things that she did. And it didn’t mean anything to her, but it did to me. It was hurting me. That pain overflows onto people. “Hurt people hurt people.” It comes out sideways, whether you mean it to or not. When you’re holding onto that resentment, you’re holding on because you aren’t willing to face the pain and grieve the pain and acknowledge the hurt, and it’s going to come out. I’ve been the one hurting because I’ve held onto pain, held onto hurt, held onto things that the other person has probably long forgotten about. We hold onto the toxins and it affects our life.
Doing the healing work of forgiveness has so many benefits. I remember feeling so much more peace when I was finally able to release my ex from some of the pain he’d caused. And that was a process. It was not a one-time decision. It’s still ongoing because we’re in relationship to this day. But the benefit of forgiveness is that it keeps us moving forward. There are also physical and mental benefits according to the National Institute of Health. Empirical studies show that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the person who forgives. It decreases your unhealthy anger, it decreases anxiety, depression, stress, and even symptoms of PTSD. So it brings those things down and also increases a sense of wellbeing, self-esteem, and hopefulness for the future. Forgiveness has a physical impact which improves our immunity and our sleep as well as a sense of overall better health.
We’re less likely to hurt other people [when we’re] not carrying around this stuff. It does leak into every other area of our life. We want to build relationships with others, and especially our kids, but if we’re not actively working on forgiveness, it doesn’t just happen. It is always counterintuitive. I think it gets a little easier the older we get, but if we’re not dealing with it, we’re really holding ourselves hostage.
In some ways, my unforgiveness of my ex was holding my kids hostage too. And I want to explain that a little because we talk about one of the benefits of forgiveness being that it can help restore community. And even in my now-divorced family, I have seen that happen when I was so angry and in so much pain with my ex, I wasn’t able to speak positively about him to my kids. Only by forgiving him did it allow a bridge to be built to a healthy relationship so that my kids would have that opportunity one day. Now, one of the points of pain that I needed to forgive is that he wasn’t very involved and it was so hurtful that he had abdicated much of his fatherhood role. It was a painful thing to acknowledge and forgive while still keeping the bridge open for him to one day come back and rejoin their lives. And he is doing that now and has for the last several years in a meaningful, consistent way that’s much healthier. But forgiveness paved the way for that. That would not have been possible if I had not been able to forgive him.
Living in this posture of unforgiveness paves the way for a restorative community, whether it be with the person who has created the damage or just community in general. And we’ve said over and over that it is about setting us free. It’s not about necessarily setting the other person free. I’m a changed person when I forgive.
Do you feel like you’re a forgiving person now?
Yeah, absolutely. In fact, in some ways the pendulum has swung pretty far for me. And so this next point we’re going to make about boundaries is really important. Because I’m so aware of my own need for forgiveness, I think I’m pretty quick to forgive others. It’s just like with anything we talk about, the more you practice it and the more you do it, the easier it becomes. The more we’re able to sit with the hurt and the pain, set the boundaries, do the things that we need to process on our side, the quicker and easier it’ll be to forgive. You have these practices in place and you’re not harboring things for years on end and waiting for the other person to apologize. And then boundaries come into play, and we’ll talk about protecting yourself in a very healthy way, and setting boundaries with that person that are like, “Hey, I’m not going to let you do this to me. You aren’t allowed to.”
What are we saying when we’re talking about how boundaries and forgiveness can coexist?
I think the first thing is recognizing that your needs matter. My needs matter. My need to be treated well by others matters. Being able to have clear boundaries and understand what’s okay with me, what’s not okay with me, and to communicate that—and it’s not about making a request. I’ve learned recently that I’ve actually been making requests, not setting boundaries. Making a request is, “Hey, please don’t jump on the couch.” If I’m talking to Jax, for instance, “Please don’t jump on the couch.” Or talking to someone, “Please don’t hurt me.” Okay, well, that’s a request. A boundary is actually, “Hey, if you continue to jump on the couch, I’m going to come over there and remove you from the couch and have you sit over here.” Or “If you continue to hurt me, we can no longer be in a relationship.” A request is not a boundary. Being able to recognize that your needs matter allows you to set those clear boundaries and say, “Hey, this is what I need in this relationship.”
I really think about boundaries as a way to set people’s expectations of how to treat you and how to be in relationship with you. If you are going to be in relationship with me, you don’t get to come crashing through and cause me harm. You can go on this paved path. When I said I paved the way for my ex to enter into my kids’ lives again, it was like, If you show up consistently, if you show up safely, when you are ready to acknowledge and take some responsibility for what you did, then there will be a safe place for the kids to begin to relate to you in another way. And so my kids were part of setting that clear expectation; I was part of that and their dad—we were all part of that experience of saying, “If we want our family to be a divorced family that has some kind of connection, it has to happen in these certain ways.” It’s still a work in progress, and it’s not by any means restored completely, but there are some beautiful things that come out of forgiveness and boundaries.
I think it’s important to say that forgiveness and trust are two very different entities. It keeps the future differentiated from the past. I can forgive somebody but that does not necessarily mean I’m going to be in a relationship with them or I’m going to trust everything they say. In talking about this, I’m thinking about an old business partner I was involved with and I think I still have some unforgiveness I haven’t let go of. I hadn’t really thought about it until this conversation. I don’t want to let them off the hook. I want to be angry. But if you can understand that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you trust them anymore, it makes it easier to forgive because [forgiveness and trust] don’t necessarily go hand in hand. I think it’s very important as we’re talking about boundaries to go to this person and say, “I actually can forgive you and completely not trust you. The past is the past and the future is the future. You’re not in the future. You’re in the past.” And I can close that chapter and move on.
Let’s talk about that same thing with someone that you’re currently in a relationship with. I have found it difficult in my own life—I have to almost put a boundary around myself in my own mind—not to always go to the past with someone and to be able to see their growth and give the grace needed as I’m putting boundaries in place to be able to say, “Okay, you’re actually honoring the boundaries that I’ve put in place. And how can that lead to more safety and trust and forgiveness?” But if something happens that falls back in the past and I don’t put that boundary within myself to recognize and be grateful for the way things have gotten better overall, I can tend to be like, “Oh, see, and it doesn’t matter how many three steps forward, it’s always going to take it 10 steps back.”
But if you have a child or a friendship or relationship that keeps taking you to the past, and keeps you from recognizing all the good things that are happening, that can be a slippery slope. And that language feels right, a slippery slope, because I think there’s a real tension there. I think about the verse in Corinthians that says “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” And I don’t think that means we forget. We can still remember the wrongs and even acknowledge some of the pain that came from it. But the record is that we don’t make someone keep paying for it. And that’s part of the tension: I’m aware that happened and I’m going to maintain my boundaries as a result, but I’m not going to make you keep paying for it.
Are you friends with your ex?
I think I am. It’s a different friendship. It’s not a friendship of deep trust, but it’s a friendship of goodwill. I want good things for him. I care about him. I want him to thrive and flourish for himself and also for what that could mean for my kids. I want his well being but I don’t have a deeply-connected sense of safety with him—nor would that even be appropriate. But we are friends. He is supportive to me in certain specific ways as a co-parent, and we’ll sometimes shoot the breeze like friends would. It’s not always just business with us. And that transition has taken some time. I’m nine years divorced this year but we’re friends and that feels good. It really does. I have so much peace in that.
My ex called … and he was just talking, talking, talking. I went straight to the tactical thing. Our relationship is: “Okay, this is a problem. How do we fix it?” I just started throwing out solutions. And he’s like, “No, I just needed somebody to talk to.” I got off the phone and I thought, “I’m not your wife anymore, so you don’t have that access [anymore].” I’m thinking about boundaries related to forgiveness where you have forgiven them or you’re trending in that direction, but there’s familiarity with it. You love that person on some level but you’re not that person’s person anymore. And for those of us that are codependent, is it healthy to have that kind of relationship with an ex-spouse that you have forgiven? Is it okay to be “their person”?
I think that’s so individual for every situation. Can we be “their person”? I don’t think so. I think that implies an intimate level of friendship and connection that isn’t appropriate when you’re divorced. And there’s been a clear severing of that relationship. And so have some thoughtfulness in examining what you want in the connection or relationship to your ex-partner. What would it look like in a healthy way? What would unhealthy tendencies look like? This was blurry for me for a while … You have to find your way toward what seems functional and healthy. I always think about what’s best for the kids: How can I interact with my ex-partner in a way that is best for the kids? I don’t think there’s an easy answer. But that’s something to keep in mind, especially if you have had an intimate relationship with someone—it can be a comfortable place to go regardless of whether it’s appropriate or not. And even if it was severed, sometimes our loneliness can get the better of us. I admit that’s been blurry at times for me with my ex, and I’ve had to notice it and make adjustments. I think he has as well. It can be a trap and keep me stuck in this state of coping with loneliness—with something familiar. And I’m wondering if divorced people deal with that, especially if you share a kid; you had intimacy at one point and even though there may be some terrible harm that was done, it still is familiar. So boundaries are so important related to forgiveness. You can forgive and move towards another future, but it’s super important to have boundaries along with it. Not just coexist, I think they really have to both be employed.
I think in all these cases, it’s important to resist an urge to minimize the harm done. That doesn’t mean you remember it and keep it front and center, but just remember there’s a reason that forgiveness was needed and we shouldn’t gloss past that.
Takeaways
- Forgiveness is just plain hard. It’s not instinctual and it’s a very sacrificial move.
- None of us are immune to the hurt that precedes forgiveness, but there are benefits, and becoming a forgiving person actually enriches our lives in so many ways.
- Healthy forgiveness requires boundaries.
Listener Question: Do you have a survival hack or two or five to share regarding raising teenagers?
Well, I made a lot of mistakes. And from those, I have some hindsight, 20/20. One of those is “trust but verify.” I was rather naive as a single parent of teens. I was a very compliant, non-rebellious, inside-the-box kind of teenager and I had the benefit of a stable home. It was a very different experience for my kids. And my youngest was doing some things that I didn’t pick up on. I just sort of thought, “Yeah, not her. She’s not going to smoke pot, get drunk with her friends, or have empty liquor bottles hidden in the closet.” And well, I was wrong on all three counts and discovered it unexpectedly, and it required specific and intentional intervention very immediately. I’d had a few little yellow flags, but my naivete and my unwillingness to look beyond what my experience meant that she went down a road that I wish I caught sooner. Fortunately, it became a really good learning experience for both of us. But it was a difficult two-year process to reestablish trust for her to cease those kinds of behaviors and for us to get into a better place where she didn’t hate me anymore for putting her on lockdown and monitoring her friendships and limiting her activity. So trust, but verify.
I’ve talked about this a lot before, it is just relationship, relationship, relationship. It has to be front and center even if it feels like it’s not going anywhere, even if [it’s just] making the attempt to be present and ask questions and stay in their lives. We say it often: rules without relationship equals rebellion. And so it may feel like you’re chasing or beating a dead horse, but just keep making sure you’re showing interest. I didn’t do that. And then the second thing I’ve talked about before is parenting out of love and not fear, because I extrapolated and catastrophized all the things my kids were doing. I jumped straight to It’s the worst possible thing in the world, and I just rained hellfire down. I really regret that. So it all comes back to relationship, parenting out of love and not fear, and realizing the teenage years are messy and they try things on [but] it doesn’t mean they’re going to stay there forever. It’s really, really hard. And I guess the last thing is to talk to people. Don’t try to do it alone because self-examination in that way can either be overboard protective or it can be overboard naive. And I think that’s a good rule of thumb.
There are two Instagram accounts that I follow. One is Coaching With Will, he does parent and teen coaching. And Raising Teens Today. Hers are really funny at times, but she has a lot of good resources.
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