What do you feel the most guilt about in being a single parent?

Simply put, not being able to take away my child’s pain when I’m the cause of it. I’m the one who did this, right? He didn’t have a choice in the matter. He got thrown into it and I can’t take the pain of that away. 

I think all single parents deal with this guilt and we’re always second guessing ourselves, undermining ourselves. We want what’s best for our kids, but we don’t know how to deliver that. How can we parent from a place of balance rather than swinging the pendulum of too hands off or too involved? Today we’re going to talk about this. The topic is Getting Out From Under Single Parent Guilt, and you’re going to learn three things. First of all, we’re going to unpack what guilt actually is. Second, we’re going to talk about how being present, not perfect and why that’s so important. And finally, we’re going to introduce you to good enough parenting. But if you take nothing else away from this podcast, I want you to remember two things. Number one, you are not alone. And second, there is hope that you can actually come out of this difficult season even better than before. 

Let’s talk about what guilt actually is.

I think everybody experiences this and knows it’s normal. All humans experience guilt and specifically for single parents, the National Institutes of Health did a study where they surveyed single parents, and we feel sorry for our children for being raised in a single parent family compared to a two parent family. So simply the state of our household and life is something that we feel guilty about. I feel so bad that my kids didn’t get to experience what I grew up with. I was fortunate enough to have a present mom and dad and have that intact my whole life. And so that alone is a factor.

As you were going through divorce and even in the early days, was there a part of you because of that guilt, you were like, “Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to stick in there?” As you were saying that, that’s what popped up in me.

Yes. And I think that’s so common to feel guilty about the decision to choose divorce, even if it was absolutely necessary. I did waiver, it makes you second guess. It took me a long time to reach the point to actually be ready to file for divorce, and I had significant reasons. I remember having multiple counseling sessions, and my ex started pursuing me again, wanting to reignite and get back together. She asked me, if I were to consider that, why would I do that? And I said, “So that I can be there for Jax and so he has both of his parents at home and he doesn’t have to go back and forth.” And she’s like, “Do you think that’s a reason to get remarried to your ex?” And I was like, “Well, no.” It is possible to be there for our kids apart from our ex, or if you’re widowed, apart from your former spouse. It’s different and we feel that pain point and that’s part of that guilt because it’s unfamiliar. You don’t know how you’re going to get there. But there are other things too. The economic burden—maybe we know that our children’s lifestyle is going to change, work and family conflict, having to work extra hours or balancing that, sometimes feeling a little bit of a stigma that our kids don’t have a present mom and a present dad. And so feeling guilty about how that will impact them when it comes to Family Day at school or whatever it might be. And they also identified some phrases that really kind of honed in parents’ guilt, and here’s one of them, see how this resonates: I feel like it’s my fault when my child does something wrong. I feel guilt and regret after being angry with my child. I could write a book about this. I am worried that my child will be emotionally anxious because I can’t give them enough affection and love. All the ways that I’m ruining my child. We know social comparison is such a big thing too. It’s hard enough to feel the guilt of what our kids are going through, but then we look around and we see other parents and, are they doing it better? That mom is feeding her kids all organic, cooked from scratch, and that dad is coaching the little league team. We just kill ourselves with the comparison. That’s what I was saying at the beginning. The circumstances that lead to becoming a single parent, they can create guilt and regret. In the case of widowhood, we have a quote from a single parent that says, “After my husband passed away from a heart attack, I wrestled with deep guilt for not ensuring he had regular well checks.” And this brings up such an important thing for me as I’m hearing this. When it comes to guilt, I think it’s so important to really be willing to feel it and notice it so you can ask yourself, “Have I actually done something to violate my values or core beliefs?” That’s what guilt is.

I saw this Instagram post the other day from Dr. Becky at Good Inside. She talks about what guilt actually is, and she said, “When we feel guilty, we’re acting out of alignment with our values … When we set a boundary like ‘I’m not going to buy you every toy in this toy store,’ for instance, the resulting feeling is actually not guilt. What we’re feeling is the other person’s distress and we want to take it away. It actually has nothing to do with guilt. We want to feel their feelings for them. We take what they’re upset about and metabolize it for them. And that’s not good for you or for them. They don’t learn how to deal with these feelings. You can also never empathize because you don’t see their feelings as theirs.” So it’s less about actually feeling guilty and more about that codependent pattern of taking on other people’s feelings and seeing that your child is hurt or upset because you’re not giving them the thing. And instead of being able to separate and let them be disappointed, we take it on as, “Oh shoot, I know what that feels like and now I feel guilty that you feel the pain because I know how that feels.” And so it’s not actually guilt, it’s codependency.

From the outside, if you didn’t know me at all and you looked at my life when I went through a divorce, it was obvious that my wife had acted out—and infidelity and drug addiction and all that kind of stuff. As a parent, [it was like], “Okay, this is going downhill. It’s her fault.” But I knew that she didn’t become that way in a vacuum. I had contributed to the demise of our marriage and I was not as present as I should have been. I was definitely invested completely in the company that I had. And so I started taking her guilt and assigning it to myself, and that would make me spiral into this toxic shame that kept me stuck. It really had nothing to do with me assessing who was right or wrong and had to do with me trying to lift some of the weight of what my kids were going through. It was more codependent. I was thinking the other day, how we’re so consumed with blame—if something wrong happens, we’re so quick to go, “What went wrong here and who did that? And how are we keeping score of this?” When your spouse is gone and you can’t verbalize it to them, there’s no reciprocal anything, I think it’s natural to turn it inward and start assessing blame to yourself, and that compounds everything and the guilt becomes toxic shame. This idea of blame is a really dangerous thing. It goes beyond taking responsibility. I would call that false guilt or toxic shame for sure. Because the actual experience of guilt when it’s genuine isn’t necessarily bad. It can lead us to some really important [questions]: What is my part in this? What have I done to violate my core beliefs and values? What can I do to make this right? What do I need to acknowledge to do differently so this doesn’t occur again? And so guilt can be so healthy when … it leads us to [be] better. It can lead us to seek out a higher power if you have that spiritual belief system. I went through a really difficult season of parenting with my kids where I was acting out in ways I don’t love to say out loud—and I say it because I know some of our solo parents can empathize, but flying off the handle, losing my temper, parenting in ways I never wanted to or never expected to, and I felt guilt and it was appropriate. But the guilt began to nag at me and eat away at me. And it went beyond. I sought forgiveness from God. I sought forgiveness from my kids. I made it right. I did the hard work of change and my kids would acknowledge that. But it kept eating me alive. And so guilt can lead you to positive things that were necessary, but if it goes too far, it can spiral into toxic shame. And then I had to get ahold of that and really sift through that, “Amber, wait, you’re forgiven. You’ve sought forgiveness from your kids and you’ve even sought to make this right.”

I went through a difficult breakup at the beginning of this year, and one of the things I struggled with in the first few weeks after the breakup was thinking about all the ways I contributed to the demise of the relationship. I reached a point where I had to ask for forgiveness because I was ruminating. I was spiraling into toxic shame and doing all the things you guys are talking about. And so I was like, “I need to take full responsibility and accountability for these things.” And so I sent an email, listed them out and said, “I would like to ask for your forgiveness.” And honestly, I didn’t expect a response. I didn’t need him to necessarily say, “I forgive you.” But in that act of sending the email, it allowed me to release it and let go of it and not ruminate on it anymore. And I felt a hundred pounds lighter after sending that. My anxiety was probably in half the next day. I was able to just move forward because it was an act of taking full accountability. When we ask for forgiveness for something, but we don’t truly take inventory and take accountability for the underlying issues of why it happened, I think that’s what gets us hung up on feeling guilty versus almost convincing ourselves, “Well, I don’t need to feel this way anymore. I’ve asked for forgiveness.” Or, “I don’t need to feel this way because … I told that person, ‘I’m sorry.’” But what I’m learning is, I [need to be] willing to step up and say, “I did these things. I see how hurtful it was. Here’s where these things came from. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m asking you for your forgiveness. And by the way, I’m going to forgive myself because I know why I did those things.” But you have to get under it. You have to dig deeper. You can’t just say the words, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” 

It wasn’t until I got very honest about the pain I was causing my kids with some of my temper outbursts—the hurtful, painful to the bone kind of honesty, like, “Whoa, that’s not okay. I’m causing harm.” That’s when I began to have to say, “Amber, you need to get to the root of this. This isn’t anything to do with them or being a single mom or you’re so stressed.” There was something I needed to get to the root of. And so the guilt led me in that positive way to go deep. And that was part of my journey, and it’s actually what led me into the therapy world … where I had to start digging into all of that, went to a recovery group. Guilt gets a bad rap, but it’s important and it’s necessary.

I think that’s what we’re saying here when we’re talking about getting out from under the burden of single parent guilt. It’s not just eliminating it and coping with it or numbing it. I mean, it really does require taking inventory of it and [analyzing] what’s my side of the street and what’s not. Guilt is not just all bad. It’s not like if you feel guilty, maybe there’s a reason you should feel guilty. I do think that once you start purging and you start identifying the depths of things, don’t be surprised if it comes up again; and ask yourself a question again” Is there more? I’m 17 or 18 years past the divorce and there are still things occasionally I’ll feel guilty for and I’ll learn something from. So anyway, my point is not once it’s out and purged, that’s great. It does bring freedom, but don’t be surprised if there’s something that comes up again. And John Delony said on this podcast once before, I think he was talking about anxiety: If this alarm bell goes off, pay attention to it. Don’t just unplug the alarm. Go, “Is there something I should be feeling guilty [about]?” 

Which brings me to this point—present not perfect. What are we talking about relative to this? Why is this so important?

I feel like we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We want to be perfect. We want everything to look right, be right, feel right. And Amber, you have talked about this a lot on the podcast over the years, and the thing that we have to remember, especially when it comes to comparing ourselves to a two-parent home, is that just because it’s a two-parent home does not necessarily mean there’s stability, peace, or happiness. I grew up in a two-parent household and there was definitely not stability. There was definitely not peace. [There was] some happiness every once in a while. I know my siblings and I, when we weren’t tearing each other apart, we were pretty happy and had a good time together, but that didn’t guarantee any of that. So I think looking at what actually is versus what you hope it to be, looking at the actual imperfections and the beauty of life and circumstances and what you have and being grateful for those things is way more important. It is setting your child up for success versus trying to present this perfect household and bringing yourself through all this regret and guilt and the things that come with trying to be perfect, but never being able to get there. Being able to show our kids that it’s okay and you don’t have to be perfect to be loved and accepted. You don’t have to have this thing on a pedestal—that was a key part of my recovery and my growth process. I had to begin to acknowledge I was expecting way too much of myself and way too much of my kids. We had never been in this experience before. We couldn’t behave in the same ways we used to before. There were too many things happening, too many deep emotions and upheaval, and I was trying to squeeze us all into these boxes and even myself. And whenever you try to squeeze something too hard, the rebound happens and there’s an outburst. And so that became part of my process. Could I become present and not stay stuck in the pain in my past, which was also a factor? Could I not jump way forward into the fear of the future? Could I stay present and find enough peace and truth and hope with what was? Because when you talk about getting out from under the burden of single parent guilt, it’s not just about releasing the guilt; it really is about finding joy again. I know for me, I was talking about this spiral where I would just shine the light on myself and … when I got into that spiral, it would take me out of being present. So this point of “present, not perfect” also applies to not just looking at the high expectations you have on yourself necessarily, but also letting go of the past and not trying to fix it so that you can be present. If you can be present, there is so much joy to experience with our kids. And there were some times that I really did this right, and some of my favorite memories that I have of my life happened during the single parent days when I can say, I was a hundred percent present. But it has to do with letting go of these expectations of yourself and of trying to fix the past or the future.

There’s a new practice I’m putting in my life because I really am working on this presence thing. Especially going through the heartache of a breakup and all the things. I mean, it can cause you to spiral backward or forward. And so I’m really trying to be present as much as I can be, and it’s not a foolproof design, but one of the things I’ve been doing every morning is think about three things I’m excited about today and naming those things. So, us recording the podcast was actually one of my things today. Jax and I were on the way to school and I was telling him about this, and I was like, “Here’s my three things that I’m really excited about today. And so tell me about your three things.” I was like, “Let’s talk about something that you’re excited about in school.” And he’s like, “Recess.” I’m like, “Great. That’s great.” He’s, “I get to get outside.” And I’m like, “Yes, and it’s a beautiful day. I get that.” And then finishing the day with gratitude of being aware of what happened throughout the day—little tiny things. I don’t have to put this pressure on myself to be present all the time because there’s going to be moments where my anxiety’s going to take over. There’s going to be moments where my heartache takes over. There’s going to be moments where something happens, life happens and you can’t help it. But as much as I can try to be present, I’m going to.

I think that’s good because it isn’t the grand gestures. It is the small things and the favorite memories I was talking about earlier. I don’t think any of [the memories] that come to mind have to do anything with our trips to Disney; they weren’t the grand gestures, they were the sweet moments. We would watch Planet Earth together and get silly, all sitting in my bed. And it was small things, but we were totally present together in the same space. 

What is Good Enough Parenting? 

Donald Winnicott is an author and he brought forward this idea of “good enough parenting” based on his studies and research with parenting. And good news is, we need to meet the needs of our kids about one third of the time. His research suggests that if we meet the needs of our kids 30% of the time, that they will turn out to be well-adjusted and well-attached kids. Just 30% of the time. I feel like there is a relief there. And because our kids also have other sources, their needs can be met through other people, other things. But if we’re meeting them that amount of time, we can breathe a minute and just relax. It can ease some of that perfectionism pressure, which I know a lot about. And it allows us to focus more on just being with them and the relationship instead of feeling like we have to meet this checklist to be a parent that’s doing so many things to meet every last need. That’s not sustainable. It’s not enjoyable. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It feels like a sprint so often. Because when you’re in the middle of it like, “I’ve got to fix this,” or if I did something wrong, it’s like “I’m going to go wake up my kids and apologize for something that I did.” No, how about letting them get rest?  But we do try to fix things, everything. And I think there is a real element of changing our dialogue even. We can’t always get everything done. It may feel like a sprint, but maybe even intentionally slowing ourselves down or instead of saying, “Well, we can’t do that because I’m a single mom or I’m a single dad.” Or we could start saying, “Well, I am a single mom and so that means I will do laundry once a week, survival laundry, and I’m going to make it easy.” We need to step back and not take all the credit for all the things we’re doing, but also not take all the blame for the circumstances we’re in.

This whole internal dialogue thing hits me because that’s one of the things that I feel like I focus on all the things that are, or I’ve gotten into a habit of focusing on the things that are missing versus focusing on the things that are true and are here and I’m grateful for. And so I think even with that, it’s a huge thing to say, “Oh, well, we can’t go on that big vacation because I’m a single mom and I can’t afford it.” And it’s like, “Well, no, actually, guess what we get to do? We get to be together for spring break and we get to do this, this, and this, and it’s simple things.” And so for me, even saying it out loud is [hard]. I don’t naturally go there. I think about the things that are missing and, “Oh, I wish this was better” instead of focusing on what is actually great. And that’s why I’m trying this practice of what are the three things today that I’m looking forward to? 

I’m thinking about author Ann Voskamp who has been on our podcast before. She has a book called 1000 Gifts, and it’s the idea of noticing all the little things that you’re grateful for. And for me, during the season of hardship where I was stressed and overwhelmed, I remember taking a walk and literally thinking, “Look at that beautiful little wildflower” and “Whoa, look at the sunset.” And it was little things that actually bolstered me and filled me up so that I could be more present in the moment for myself and with my kids. When I was talking about this Planet Earth thing, they cover nature and grand things like grand movements of these elephants that go across the plains, but they also zero in on the tiny little things. And when you train your body or you train your mind and along with your kids to just focus in on those things and be amazed by them, it’s crazy how that changes your perspective. The things that I felt the most guilty about are the things that my girls don’t remember and they’re in their twenties now. If they do [remember], it’s only because I remind them or make big deals about: “I didn’t perform this way. I didn’t meet these needs.” But the things that you’re talking about, Amber, those little things they do remember. So I am just saying that if there’s a shift in your mind that you need to take, just know this forecast 10 years from now; the things that you’re worried about right now, I promise, your kids are probably not going to worry about, they’re not going to be thinking about it. And the things that you’re like going, “Oh, that was just normal. I just normally do X, Y, and Z, but it was a sweet moment,” those things stick. You know what I’m saying?

I recently had a conversation with my therapist about parenting, and I was looking back to 10 years ago when we were in the pit and it was pretty tough. I got teary in my session and she said, “We’ve talked through some of this, you’re past that season. Would you be willing to ask God how he views you as a parent today before we meet again? Will you ask that question?” And it really made me get reflective because the tears were guilt. It was some of the sadness at that season that was so difficult. And what I felt nudged to do was to ask my kids. And so I actually said to my eldest, “This is a scary question. But if you had to rate me as a parent, what would you give me? One being terrible and 10 being amazing, what kind of a parent am I?” And he said, “An eight and a half,” and that was the best eight half I’ve ever had in my whole entire life. I wasn’t an A student, I wanted 99, but when I got an eight and a half, I was like, “Thank you Lord.” And I have no idea how that might sound to other single parents, but there was a tremendous relief in leaning into the pain that came up like, “Oh, I’m sad about that season or what I did wrong.” Then asking God about it. And then even asking my kids if we’re worried or concerned, just checking in. And he did acknowledge, “Mom, that was really bad, but that’s not how I think of you. I think of you overall as the mom you are today.” And he told me he’d give me a higher score if I was more available; that child would take all my attention if I could give it to him. And so he’s like,” I would give you a higher score if every time I wanted to have coffee with you, you’d say yes.” So to drive this point home, Amber, before you asked your son, what would you have rated yourself before going to that conversation? Yeah, I would’ve given myself maybe a six, maybe a seven, because I know I’ve worked hard to improve, but if I had to average it all out, I would’ve said a six or a seven. And so like I said, eight and a half was music to my ears,

Which is why my point is, as you’re in the middle of this and it just feels like you’re overwhelmed by all the ways you’re not meeting your kids’ needs, know that first of all, God covers a multitude of our shortcomings, and, our kids are completely resilient and they probably aren’t going to remember the things that you are circling your wagons around.

Takeaways

1. Every single parent deals with guilt about their parenting, their responsibilities, how they let their kids down, and our comparisons to other people. We all deal with this, it’s normal to feel a certain amount of guilt. And we also determined that guilt is not necessarily bad. It prompts us in two ways. It can either keep us stuck or it can move us towards healthy change. 
2. We only need to focus on being present. Not perfect. Kids do not care about perfection. They may tell you they do, but they don’t. 
3. The idea of good enough parenting can help ease the guilt and actually create a little bit of a different narrative, which is so helpful for us and ultimately our kids.

Listener Question
My child has gotten in the habit of snacking constantly. I don’t even think he’s hungry. He just always wants to be snacking. He gets upset if I try to put some boundaries in place and I’m not home right after school. So he really has free reign of the kitchen. Do you have rules or guidelines around snacks between mealtimes? 

I have a growing 11-year-old boy who wants all the snacks all the time. Now, one thing I consider when he gets home in the afternoons is the fact that he has lunch every day at 10:30. He gets home at three o’clock. So the child hasn’t eaten in a while and he’s a bean pole. So of course he wants a snack. We’ve worked on it long enough because if I just let him have free reign from the get-go, he would’ve taken full advantage of that. Pretty early on, I set boundaries and standards for his snacking, whether that’s snacking in between meals or even dessert after dinner. We have certain things that are okay and are not okay. And in the afternoons, he knows that he can have one snack. That might be a bowl of cereal, it might be a little Velveeta bowl, it might be a couple of cookies, whatever it is, that is fine, but he knows that it has to be a limited amount and he gets one thing, that’s it. And then the kitchen shuts down. It’s closed. And so that’s the way I’ve handled it. It may be that this person who’s sent in this question has to just say no and deal with it. And it goes back to everything we talked about earlier. And we didn’t even get into the practicality of saying no to the toys in the store. My child asked for a new Oculus and he wants to spend his own money on it. And I told him no because he wants to spend $500 on a new VR headset. He’s like, “Well, I have the money.” I’m like, “I understand, but it’s also my job to help you spend your money wisely. And you’re not spending $500 on a VR headset when you have one already.” So I think it’s just a matter of saying no and holding your ground because you’re the one who knows what the values are here. And you can explain why. And they don’t have to be okay with the decision, but you’ve got to just stand up to them and say, “Yeah, I’m sorry. I know you haven’t eaten since 10 30, but we’re going to be eating dinner in two hours. So you can have a bowl of cereal now and then we’re going to be eating again in a little bit. Also, drink water. Eat some lettuce.”

This is a tough one because I think our kids are just conditioned to just sit in front of a TV or a screen and just start munching. The hard thing for me is that I didn’t work from home. So when my kids got home from school, I couldn’t police. I would find wrappers. So what I eventually had to do, even though I said no, and said, “You can have one snack,” and I was pretty strict about that kind of thing, it didn’t work because I would find wrappers everywhere. What I actually had to start doing was locking the snacks in my room except for what their portion was. Or if it was a box of cereal and all the ding dongs and ho hos—they were all in my room. There was a point in time where I don’t remember who came into my room, someone working on the house. They walked into my walk-in closet and it literally looked like it was a snack order. But I think it’s really important to have those boundaries. And again, you’re not going to be able to fix everything. You’re not going to be able to get everything. But that’s what it came to. And I eventually said, “Okay, I’m going to put this stuff back in [the pantry], but I’m going to take it out again if you guys can’t listen or can’t be trusted.”

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