Turns out drama doesn’t hit its peak in high school or even middle school for that matter. It continues on throughout our life for as long as we are in relationship with other people. So you can either go hide in a cave … or you’re going to have drama. Single parents often lead a dramatic life due to being on our own amidst the life transitions, responsibilities, and relationship dynamics present in our everyday lives. So how can we minimize any potential drama that comes up and respond to it in a healthy and balanced way? We’re going to cover this in three main points. Number one, we’re going to talk about the lure of drama. Number two, we’re going to talk about avoiding the trap, and finally we’re going to talk about being proactive versus reactive.
Are you drawn towards drama or do you run from it?
I would say I’ve changed. Before I was a single parent, I was totally drawn towards drama and then I went through so much drama that I couldn’t even watch Lifetime. It was too much drama to add to my life. So now I run from it.
Let me tell you why the drama is such a lure for us people. Well, there’s lots of entertainment value. It’s the car accident phenomenon. We’re prone to slow down if we see a car accident because we don’t want to miss out on what’s happening. And it’s definitely distracting from the reality of life. If you have something external or someone else to focus on or to be mad at, you don’t have to think about your problems. And so it makes it a little easier to deal with life.
I think another lure of drama is that it’s familiar sometimes and comfortable. We’ve become accustomed to that being a part of our lives and we’ve grown up in dysfunctional homes, so it’s just kind of become a way of life. And so it is kind of a default or something that feels comfortable. We don’t want to admit that, but I think it’s alluring. I think that’s part of it. And for me, if I feel like I’m the person who’s in the know, it makes me feel important. Somebody needs to get their news from me, and I know all the stuff. So come ask me and come revolve around me, especially if it’s somebody else’s drama. It’s much different if it’s my own drama, but then even then it’s like, “Hey, you guys want to know some juicy stuff? Come talk to me. My life’s falling apart.”
It definitely spoke to my feeling of self-worth and the lack thereof where I felt like I had to insert myself into people’s lives and bring the gossip and drama to be able to have a relationship with them. It’s also an adrenaline rush. It stimulates our brain in various ways, and it’s exciting. It builds connection, maybe even addiction, to the dopamine release and the oxytocin that it can produce. I mean, it’s kind of nice when you are going through some hard stuff. It can be a distraction from the pain. Either I’m focusing on someone else’s problems, which can be amazing to focus on, or I’m focusing on key parts of it. The part that’s mine is dramatic, and so I can get some attention on the parts I want to shine light on and avoid the parts I don’t want to be thinking about.
It’s fascinating to me that none of us want to admit we’re drama kings or queens but there is actual allure to drama. We’re all kind of drawn to it for various reasons.
Let’s talk about avoiding the trap. How do we avoid it?
We’ve got to look at our relationships and examine how we are responding to divisive behavior. Some simple questions we can ask ourselves:
- Do I frequently find myself in the role of the victim in different scenarios? Sometimes I can probably extend victimhood a little beyond where I need to be. So this is an important question to ask.
- Do small disagreements often escalate into major altercations? Do things roll off my back or is everything going to turn into something?
- Do I like creating drama because I get attention and draw other people into my life? Is it a tool I’m using to build connection?
- Does drama make me feel important?
And in order to avoid [drama], we need to ask, “Am I guilty of some of these things? What do I do?” And none of these things are necessarily wrong, but it’s more like understanding your tendencies. I’m going to tell you where, in the past, I have gotten trapped. I don’t so much anymore, but in my codependency, fixing other people’s problems was a big way I brought myself into other people’s drama and was able to not focus on me. But now I know if someone has an issue, I don’t have to jump in and rescue. I don’t have to jump in and figure it out, but just protect my mental space by not engaging in that or fixating on other people’s drama. And [I would be] going to whoever and saying, “Can you believe somebody’s doing this? Can you believe this has happened to this person over here?” and carrying it on and spreading it like a little drop in a bucket or a drop in a river or lake that just spreads and spreads.
Sometimes I have to intentionally tell myself, “You’re thinking about the worst case here, and let’s step back.” My son was diagnosed this summer with a heart defect. The first thing I wanted to do was flail around and bring the drama. I try to avoid it when it’s a relationship, but when it is a crisis with my son’s health, that’s totally different: Let’s be dramatic here. And I worked hard to get information instead. I looked at my network and I said, “Who can tell me some good information about this? And before I freak out, before I jump off the deep end, what is fact here? What do I need to worry about?” And it was very, very helpful. And I think it was also helpful for Hunter who would’ve picked up on my freaking out and I could have potentially made him feel like there was more wrong with him than he needed to be dealing with.
One of the ways I’ve learned to avoid the trap of drama is kind of detaching from it. We all have so many things going on in our lives as single parents. There is much drama all the time. And then there’s external drama, so I think analyzing, “What is drama that I can actually influence and do something about versus what is drama that I have? I have nothing that I can contribute that [can change] an outcome.”And when I could at least go, “Okay, I have some areas of focus and other things I’m just detaching from.” I think the first week, you were talking about [your son’s] grades and were just like, “I can’t do that.” You were like, “I’m out.” And it’s not that you didn’t care about it. There are some things that I can’t control, especially related to my ex. I can’t control what she’s doing. I can’t control what’s going on in the household. Having a really clear picture of what things are worthy of keeping on your plate versus which things you can’t do anything about.
Can you take that detachment too far?
Absolutely. I am not getting into drama when somebody is offended by me and I’m like, “Whatever, I’ll talk to you when you’re not offended.”How do I know when that level of a detachment has gone too far and crossed the line? I think for me, there’s a healthy respect for the notion that sometimes I don’t have bandwidth to keep this in my life, but it’s not denial or putting [my] head in the sand and acting like it doesn’t exist. It’s more like choosing. You have a choice and you have a limited amount of time, effort, and focus. And unlike other things, you can’t add to that. That is it is what it is. You have to choose what you’re going to spend bandwidth on. I guess that is what I mean by detaching. It’s not denial and it’s not running. I also think a way to avoid the trap is being compassionate. Compassion can help transform conflict into a challenge rather than a huge problem. You have three girls, you’ve had to have at least one drama queen, right? Maybe three. I think compassion and empathy really are a way to avoid getting stuck in the trap of drama.
So there’s a quote that says, “Give your family drama queen a loving hug, and then continue with what you were doing.” Does that work?
It depends on the age. I’ve been in situations where one of my daughters is like, “Everything’s dramatic and blah, blah, blah.” And when they’re a little girl, it’s like, “Come here, let me give you a hug. It’s going to be okay.” And then walking away. So embrace [her]: “I see your struggle. I’m with you. But when [she’s] a teenager and is freaking out about something, it doesn’t work. I’m not going to go give her a hug. She goes, “This is ridiculous. I hate you.” The point there is to address it with compassion.
I was on a trip recently with a whole group of friends for one of their 40th birthdays, and she wasn’t really happy with her husband’s lack of planning for her birthday. I’ve known her for 20 years. She’s naturally a more dramatic person, calls things out, and will go on and on about the thing. She wants some sort of justice. And one of the things that I did with her throughout the trip was to just attune with her and where she was. There were some things that she texted me about after we got back—she and her husband stayed longer—I treated it the same way I have done with Jax in the past and what we’ve talked about here on the podcast where it’s like, “Wow, that sounds really lonely. Oh man, that sounds like it might’ve hurt a little bit. Tell me more about that.” Because she just gets so caught up in the shallow end of the pool with what’s going on and saying over and over, “This happened, this happened, this happened. Can you believe this happened?” And it’s like, “Okay, well, let’s go a little step further. How are you feeling about that?” And once I addressed it and put words to it like, “Wow, that sounds really lonely ”or “Yeah, that’s really hurtful. I’m so sorry that happened,” it tended to calm it down.
Let’s talk about being proactive versus reactive. It’s the whole analogy of fixing the roof instead of running around with buckets. What are things that you can do ahead of time to set yourself up for success in this regard?
Setting and expressing and maintaining boundaries. It ties directly to what you were talking about earlier, and choosing what you’re going to focus on and what you’re not going to focus on. It’s not putting your head in the sand necessarily, but saying, “You know what? This friend isn’t good for me. They keep bringing me into their drama, so I’m going to set some boundaries and limit my time with them so that I don’t keep getting brought into it.” You might need to distance yourself from a relationship. You might need to explain what you are and aren’t open to hearing and set a firm boundary in a kind way to help lower the chance of drama. I did have to do this with one person at one point. They kept bringing me into certain drama that I had no control over. No one really had any control over it. I actually did this with my ex-husband too, and I continue to do it, especially in this political season where it’s like, “Hey, you know what? Actually I have no control over that. That does nothing for me except bring me unwanted anxiety. And so I’m going to ask you not to send me those Instagram posts or talk to me about that.” I’ve definitely had to set some boundaries politically or otherwise, which is kind of what you were talking about with friends. I’m just not going to go there. Maybe don’t start with that. Start with setting some boundaries. I do think that is really important in being proactive rather than just reacting. And that is the problem with drama—when we get pulled into this reactive state, things become enormous and very difficult to get away from.
One of the things too is setting a boundary with yourself saying, “I’m never going to talk about a person. I’m going to talk to the person.” And it’s harder to be brought into drama if you’re unwilling to talk about another person. We can find compassion for ourselves and for others by reframing what we’re looking at. So when someone starts to engage in a drama cycle, tell yourself things like, “They’re being pulled into their drama cravings” or “They’re trying to avoid something very painful right now” and get to the root of what’s going on rather than getting caught up in the symptoms of what’s going on.
Another statement might be, “Oh, they’re exhibiting this intense behavior because they’re asking to be seen.” And we can actually see them apart from their drama. By doing so, [we can] help them meet the need they’re seeking in a much healthier way, and that can also help that relationship. “I see you, but instead of getting caught up in this drama, I’m going to praise you for something in your life that I’ve seen you do well,” or “Let’s get together and do this thing” and make it more about activity than talking about somebody or a problem.
Being proactive versus reactive is really on us to do this work behind the scene. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what’s exploding. It’s really changing how we frame or reframe this. So much of this has to do with understanding that we bring more to the table than drama or gossiping.
Looking back at myself, I was still married at the time, I hadn’t done any counseling, [I was] very emotionally immature, and my self-worth was in the dumps. I worked at a PR firm here in Nashville and there was a group of cool girls that were a little younger than me. They were all single, spent their weekends together, super cute, super fun. And I just wanted to be part of their group. And so the way that I figured out to be part of their group was to bring drama and gossip. I would go sit in one of their offices and sit down and be like, “Oh my gosh, did you hear about blah blah, blah?” Or “Can you believe this, this, and this happened?” And whether it was work-related or outside of work, there was something I could bring to the table in that way. Same with fixing problems. They were younger than me and looked up to me, especially professionally/ I was at a higher level than them in the account executive role. And I could use that to my advantage too and jump in, solve their problems, and bring value in that way. My self-worth was so low that I didn’t think I brought anything else to the table outside of these shallow, gossipy things. It wasn’t until later doing my work and rebuilding self-esteem and my self-worth that I understood I don’t have to gossip about other people. I don’t have to bring other people down to lift myself up. I don’t have to bring drama into situations to have a seat at the table. It really has been all about doing my own inner work and healing and having awareness to know that’s not who I want to be known as and that’s not how I want to live my life. And so what can I do better? Are we the drama bringers to the situation, or are we just contributing because we don’t have our boundaries set? [Do we let] other people bring their drama into our lives without boundaries in place to keep that away from us.
In our groups, we talk about no crosstalk. Part of that is using “I” statements; we are not in groups to bash on anyone. And let’s be honest, as single parents…there’s enough to complain about. And so we’re not in our groups and shouldn’t be in relationships to tell anybody else’s story. If we have a tendency to do that, there’s something else going on that makes me show up in that way.
Takeaways
- It’s not just in your head. Drama can be enticing due to all kinds of things like adrenaline, rushes, feeling important, distracting from reality. It’s normal. We can be enticed by drama.
- We can’t avoid all drama that heads our way, but we can work to avoid the trap of drama and staying in a drama cycle.
- The best way to respond to drama is by being proactive and not reactive.
Listener Question:
Did you have rules for your kids after Halloween regarding how much candy they were allowed to eat and also what was one of yours or your kids’ most memorable Halloween costumes?
I don’t necessarily have a rule, just that you can have a couple of pieces a day after. He doesn’t get to just come home from trick or treating and eat a whole bag of candy or anything. But I have a candy jar and we’ll dump it all in there and he can have a little bit here and there after school. When he was younger (I can’t get away with this now), I would take him trick or treating and we would come back home and as kids were coming to trick or treat at our house, I would hand out his candy. It was the stuff we didn’t like or I didn’t want it.
First of all, I let them binge on Halloween night. They’d sit around and dump it all on the floor and there were piles. I have some great pictures of them just sitting around these big piles of candy on the floor. I wouldn’t regulate it to a tremendous amount on Halloween night, but after that I would just go, “Okay, we’re just going to have a little bit here and there. The only hard and fast rule is it does not go to your bedroom. You may not take it upstairs.” They tried to do that. They tried to take it upstairs. “Well, it’s mine. I’m just going to put it in my room.” Nope. It’s going to stay in a public place. So that’s the only hard and fast rule that I had.
When it was Colton’s first Halloween, we had a dog who was a mix and his grandmother made him a costume of this dog. And we have this picture. It actually made his yearbook because he is so cute, this little ear flopped over in front of his face. He was absolutely adorable.
When Jax was a baby, I put him in the infant carrier on my chest. I made him a bag of money and I was a robber, so that was fun. Another Halloween, he wanted to be Woody. I think he was three. And it was so cute. I got it from the Disney store and he had a little stuffed horse that he took around. We were at a Halloween party and there was a “Toy Story” Woody balloon. And in his cute little voice, he goes, “Look, mama, it’s me.”
When the first “Twister” movie came out, two of my really good friends dressed up as tornadoes for Halloween and put barbed wire-type string around [themselves]. They had gray sweatsuits on and then attached debris, like pieces of wood, a stuffed cow. They were tornadoes.
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