This month we are discussing relationships, and today we’re talking about building healthy relationships with our kids. As single parents, we all want healthy relationships with our kids. And as any parent knows, it’s not as easy as it sounds. And there’s certainly not a cut and dry way of doing this, but there are some good practices to put into place to cultivate openness, mutual respect, and connection. And today I’m really excited and I’m a little nervous; we thought that it would be really helpful to bring in some of our own kids to talk about our relationships, things we’ve done. Things that maybe we wish were different. So Colton is Marissa’s son. He is a recent graduate. He’s attending Ole Miss next year, and he’s going to major in accounting. And then Zara, my youngest is 22 years old, and now works as a dental assistant here in Franklin, Tennessee. 

Colton, how would you describe your relationship with your mom and what has she done to cultivate connection with you? What would you say has been the most impactful thing that’s helped you build the relationship you have now?

I definitely appreciate how encouraging she’s been. I’ll do things that I think are cool and no one else cares and she’s stoked for me. And I think that’s really important for me just to be able to see it doesn’t matter if I come up short, she’s not afraid to tell me she’s proud of me. And it makes me not so scared to try new things. If I have an experience that maybe I haven’t done before, typically I’d be scared. I don’t know if I want to take that step, but since she’s always been so encouraging, it makes me more willing to try new things and not so afraid of failure.

I remember Marissa talking about how she went out there and built a half pipe for you guys to skateboard. And I just think that that’s amazing. Putting yourself in their space and looking for ways to plug into what interests them.

I have to say Colton did most of the work on that thing, and it was a joy to get to watch him succeed at something and learn how to do something new. 

Zara, walk us through how your relationship with your dad has changed from when he first became a single parent all those years ago, all the way to today. 

I was four when this happened. Looking back on everything when I was younger, I was just so little and dad was working full-time. I felt there was so much disconnect and I really leaned on Jordyn and Nina (his best friends at the time), and my sisters. But we were still close. We still made time for each other. He still made time for us. The teenage years were when I was a little crazy, rebellious, and we were at a place where we were just butting heads all the time, just constantly. And that took a while to get through. And I look back at it now as an adult and I’m thankful for that because it grew us much closer. I am so thankful for everything that’s happened because now we’re so close and I feel like we built this foundation. It took a while, but we built this foundation of trust and safety where I can come to him now with a problem. And he’s always really good at giving me advice and knowing the best way to go about a situation. And so that really has built us into close friends and somebody I can really trust, which I never would’ve thought would happen. I mean, five years ago even. So I’m really thankful for that.

I know a lot of parents out there who were really close with their kids when the kids were dependent and adoring of their parents. And when the teenage years come, they want nothing to do with mom or dad. And then you go, “What have I done and what have I done wrong?” I just want to say to those that are in that stage, of having teenagers especially, that it doesn’t stay like that. It is an important part of the evolution of maturing—having to push back on establishment and that’s normal. And it doesn’t mean that they hate you. A friend of mine says they’re just trying things on, and it doesn’t mean they’re going to keep that forever. And so be patient and trust because it does come around if you stick with it. 

Hunter just got his driver’s license yesterday, so I’m entering that phase now. He’s going to want to do his own thing. I think as a parent we can get our heart hurt a little when they want to go hang out with friends. And the challenge I gave myself was to let them, because this is a time you can be a safe place for them to navigate through and learn relationships. But it is emotionally difficult just watching your child grow up. I mean, my baby’s going to go off to college, it’s weird. I’m planning subliminal messages. I need pillows that say, “Call your mom.” How many places can I put “call your mom” in his dorm room?

Colton, if someone were to ask you how a parent could build a healthy relationship with their kids, what tips would you offer? 

You brought up the skateboard, quarter pipe, half pipe, just going back to meeting your kids where they are and their hobbies and their interests. Especially when you’re talking about the rebellious teenage years and stuff when they might not want to spend a lot of time with their parents. When the parents just meet them, a kid’s going to do what they want to do. And if a parent goes and joins them with that, they’re not going to shoo them off. I mean, some people might, but I feel like for me at least, I was always appreciative when you came and shared my hobbies with me.

Zara, if a single parent wants a healthy relationship and asked you what not to do, what would you say? 

I’m going to keep it really short for this one, but I’d say just never stop going after them, pursuing them, making sure they never stop knowing or never stop letting them know that you care about them and you’re here for them.

It’s hard. You don’t really know what to do. And I think Colton brought up a great point with “the kid’s going to do what they’re going to do no matter what.” I feel like that’s a good point to make instead of being really hard on them and instead being like, “Where are you in your life right now? And how can I help you?” Instead of just being like, “Oh, what you did is wrong and you shouldn’t have done that.” Be like, “How can I help you? How can I understand where you are?”

One of the things that I’ve heard said, and I think we’ve said it before in the podcast, is as you’re raising kids, you’ve got to remember “the rules without relationship equal rebellion.” And I definitely didn’t do everything. And maybe that’s why I got some more rebellion than Marissa. But that’s why this episode is so important. There’s lots of books about the boundaries you should put in place or the discipline you should apply. But if you’re not working on building a relationship, I believe that you’ll cause a lot more rebellion if relationship is not job number one. 

So Colton, when you lost your dad, obviously it left a void in your life and put all kinds of parenting responsibilities on your mom. How did you see your mom step into that role that was missing?

There were a couple things she did. I feel like definitely at first she tried to fill his shoes by doing the things that he did. She’d take us mountain biking or try and throw a football with us. But I think there was also that aspect of knowing you couldn’t fill his shoes completely, and so you weren’t afraid to reach out. You knew we needed other father figures in their life, so you weren’t afraid to reach out to other people that were willing to help. And we’d go hang out and they’d take us to lunch. I learned to golf because of one particular person. So understanding that there are people who want to help and not being afraid to reach out.

Zara, in that same vein, when your mom left, your dad needed to shoulder all the responsibility as a parent to three very young daughters. How did you see him step into that void as well?

I actually really liked this question because like I said, I was so young. So to me growing up, I never knew the difference really. I just thought, Oh, there’s dad. AndI didn’t think, oh, I lost a mom. I don’t have a mom anymore. I didn’t know any better. I was so young. But then when I would hang out with my best friends and stuff, I’d see a mom and be like, “Oh, that’s nice. They’re getting their nails done together. My dad would never do that.” Well, actually I think we have once or maybe twice when I was young—pedicures. But anyways, he’s really filled that void when I look back on it. I remember we used to salt our feet, used to do the exfoliating—every Sunday night, me and my sisters. And then [dad] would dye Zoe’s hair and went by this hairstylist named Jean Marco with an accent and all. It actually never looked bad though. And then another thing is we used to throw the football over the banister in the house. And he would be like, “Put your fingers right here.” My fingers didn’t fit over it at all. But stuff like that, just little things that we would do together where, this kind of sounds bad, but I never even really noticed I didn’t have a mom because he was so good. He stepped in.

Marissa, looking back on your parenting journey, what would you do differently as you look back?

So this is an interesting question and it kind of goes back to what you were saying earlier about relationship and rules. So when I first became a parent, I felt like I had to follow the book. Everything had to be perfect. My kids needed to be given every opportunity to do everything. And I went out of my way to make sure they tried this and that and those and these. And when Bill died, I didn’t have the bandwidth for it. I could try all I wanted, but I was having to work, I was doing everything. And I had the epiphany that, you know what? I have a good excuse, so I’m not doing it anymore. And I just let go. And I focused a lot more on relationships than just holding them accountable. It’s interesting because being a single parent actually made me a better parent. About a year ago, my mother-in-law, who is the last person I would’ve expected that compliment from said, “You became a better parent when you became a single parent.” I thought that was really interesting because we think of it as “I’m going to make my kids sacrifice.” I had to choose, was it the rule or the relationship? And I just didn’t have the energy to be like, “Hey, you need to go do all of these things.” So I did focus more on relationship and if I had it to do all over again, I would amp that up even more. 

Robert, back at you. What would you do differently if you could?

Well, I think it goes in line exactly with what Marissa said. My divorce was very contentious and I was probably in court four or five times a year. There was a constant custody battle. I was on this heightened level of trying. I had full custody, and I had this heightened awareness that I needed to protect my girls. And so you’re living in that kind of volatile state. Those of you that have been through divorce, you know what it’s like going into court and being accused of all these things and all the things that go with that. It drove me to a place of living out of fear. So I really think I did so much—I don’t want to say damage, but kind of damage by really parenting out of a heightened sense of fear rather than love. And what that means is if Zara asked to go do something, I would play this tape in my head of the worst possible thing that could happen and I would just come down and go, “No, we’re not doing that.” And it was not reasonable. It was not the right thing to do. I was parenting out of fear rather than love and understanding they need development. I didn’t want any mistakes. I didn’t want to look like a bad dad because I was going back and forth in the legal system. I didn’t want anyone (meaning my ex) to be able to say, “He’s a bad dad. Look, he let Zara walk down the street barefoot” or whatever. I mean, I literally was that heightened. I was paranoid. And so I definitely would try to reverse that sense of parenting out of fear and go more towards love and “What does Zara need?” not what I need to try to keep her safe on my own understanding, because a lot of the things I was trying to protect them from were not even there.

It’s interesting that you say that because I let my kids go camping without a parent for the first time. And I mentioned it to somebody else who’s not a parent and he’s like, “Are you just terrified right now? Because there’s a lot of creepy people out there and you can’t lock doors.” And I was like, “Do not increase my anxiety anymore than it already is. Get out of here.” But I was like, “I’m not making the decision of whether I say yes on the basis of whether it scares me because that holds them back.” And so there has to be a boundary. “No, I’m not going to let you go do super crazy stuff. You’re not camping in Mexico right now, sorry.” But going down the road and camping, even if it makes me uncomfortable for a little bit, I’ve had to get to that state where I just let the discomfort be there.

If I look back at my relationship with my daughters, where the relationship started breaking down was when I over-parented. And I mean, this is not just letting your kids do whatever they want to do all the time. I think they need security and they need stability and everything. But especially as they start getting older, and maybe when they’re younger too, just think about what’s in their best interest. Don’t try to futurecast or forecast “Well, if she does this or he does this, it means this.” Don’t attach a bunch of stuff. They’re just trying things on.

I’m thinking even this week Jax was out with his friends riding around the neighborhood and earlier this week he didn’t have his watch where I can track where he is. If he ends up somewhere, he’ll typically let me know. Well, his watch was dead and he was really wanting to go out with a group of friends and go to playground or something. And at first I was like, “Nope, he can’t go. He can’t go anywhere. He doesn’t have his watch.” And I was like, “You know what? I went all over my neighborhood. There were no cell phones. What am I doing right now?” And so I have to also remember, the safety of the technology and being able to have that has given me a crutch where it feels like you have to have it when that’s not necessarily true. He knows what to do, he always comes back home. I’m going to be able to find him one way or another. I have contact with the parents of the other kids he’s with and also who cares? He’s going to be fine. What I learned in pretty quick order is that technology is great and it’s awesome to be able to track where your kids are and all that. But let me say this, our kids are way smarter than us. And so if you try to lock down the home internet, they’ll find a way. If you’re chasing that technology rabbit, you’ll never ever catch that because your son or daughter are leading that rabbit down a way that you’ll never find. Like for instance, if I was your son and I had a tracking watch on, I would just leave it at a friend’s house and then I would go. 

Colton, what were some of the house rules or boundaries? How were they set? And obviously a child isn’t always in agreement with them, but were there ones that you agreed with and that you understood? Were there rules that you were like, “I don’t get it, I’m out.”

My answer to that question is definitely different now than it would’ve been 10 years ago in third grade. It was a running joke with my friends that I had a hard-knock life because I had to make my lunch and fold the laundry, which was before any of them were doing any of that. I am appreciative of some of the chores and house rules because I feel like they made me more capable. I’m going to college next year and I have two roommates and I have to keep them in check. And so at least being able to keep myself in check now from what you taught me is going to be helpful there. And then you had boundaries of when we had to be home and stuff, and I hated that for a while. My friends would stay up till 11:30 on a school night and after youth group, they’d go to each other’s houses and Sonic. And I had to be home by 9 or 9:30 so I could sleep. But honestly, you don’t keep tabs on me like that anymore. And I’m home before that by choice because sleep is very important to me now. 

Do you think that that set you up to understand who you are? Or were there ever times that you did actually stay out till 11:30 or 12 and were like, “Oh man, nah, I can’t do this anymore. I need my sleep.”

Last night, we went to CMA fest, one of my friends asked if we wanted to go, and my mom stayed home. She went to bed. I wanted to sleep, but I was like, oh, it’s Lynyrd Skynyrd, so it’s a lifetime opportunity. And I had to weigh that. But I’m definitely tired now. I’m definitely not feeling my best. So there’s consequences to that.

Zara, how would you say the safety and trust you built with your dad grew over time?

It definitely took a long time. It wasn’t like an easy road and there were lots of ups and downs and all these learning curves with us. I think once he let the guard down and as he was saying,”Okay, I need to start parenting out of love instead of fear.” Once he did that, he became such a safe place for me and an actual home. So I feel like once I could tell him without him being like, “You did the wrong thing and now you’re grounded, or this and that,” once he started understanding, that’s how we really got to that point. Once I knew he wouldn’t judge me, he would just be there and support me. That’s when I started to feel like we trusted each other.

Robert, were there times when Zara came to you and said, “I’m doing this thing” and you have to move from fear to love? 

I think it was really asking myself the question,”Is this fear or is this out of real concern?” If she stays out too late and she’s a half an hour getting back, is that the end of the world?” She actually had some struggle getting home. But taking more time honestly to listen and not reacting. And the older our kids get into teenage years, they’re so good at manipulating. So I mean, there needs to be some discernment there, but make sure you’re spending more time listening. I think one of the tendencies as teenagers is because they start pulling away from you, you spend less time with them. And so making sure I had this idea in my mind, “If I’m going to correct, I need to do twice as much affirmation.” I can remember thinking to myself, “I’m not allowed to correct if I haven’t put something in the tank of our relationship already.” So if Zara came home and she was late or whatever, and the only time I’d seen her in the last couple of days was that moment, and then I just jumped into correcting, that just broke down trust. And so to me, I spent more time investing in spending time or encouraging her. I was deliberately thinking about, “Well, how can I find the positive? How can I find the encouragement?”

Colton, when you’ve messed up or went outside of boundary, how did your mom respond and was it helpful? Not helpful?

Some things were more helpful than others. I’ve definitely been grounded a lot. But I think early on it was more about taking away what mattered to me most and making me feel like, “Oh, I did something wrong. I’m getting punished.” And so I get my phone taken away. I wouldn’t be able to talk to people. But as I kind grew up, and I think you grew in your parenting, you realize community is important. And so the last time I was grounded a year and a half ago, I got my car taken away. I was only allowed to drive to places that she needed me to go or to the gym. And I couldn’t go hang out with friends late at night. I didn’t have a car, so I couldn’t go and meet them, but she didn’t take away my neighbors. I could still find community in my neighbors. And honestly, that was a nice refresher because after turning 16, I stopped hanging out with my neighbors. I went and hung out with my friends from school. And so that kind of reset was honestly good for me. And instead of setting a time limit on how long you’re going to be grounded, she had us read a Bible commentary and said, “When we finish this book we are reading as a family, you can be ungrounded.” That’s incentive if there is ever incentive. And so we read it every night. And obviously I was sitting there like, “Oh, I want to read more. I want to get this over with.” I mean, it was good content. The book was good, but I was really sitting there, “Okay, let’s read more and more and more every single night.” I mean, you guys got tired of that. I don’t want to sit here three hours every night reading this book. So I took the book to school and I figured out I could read it to myself in my free time, record it, and then take it home and speed it up so that we could listen to more of the book every night. That was the last time I was grounded, so obviously something worked.

He said, “Well, can I do this?” And it was a pretty dangerous thing that he had done. So I was  like, “Okay, we kind of have to get in the way of that behavior.” But I didn’t want to come down as “I don’t see you” and “I don’t love you.” 

Zara, what’s a tumultuous time you and your dad had and how did you guys get through it?

So like I said, I was a little bit of a rebellious teenager. I definitely had my moments and we had our moments and there was a good four months where I would do something and get punished of course. And then I kind of hacked the system and I was like, “I’m already in trouble. I’m just going to do more and I’m just going to do this.” So that was just a big hole we were stuck in. I remember my therapist at the time was like, “Y’all are just in this deep hole. You need to do something. Y’all need to work something out.” But I think we got past that and it really hit rock bottom. And I feel like when we got back up to it out of the hole,I feel like he started to not judge me and he was like, “I’m here and if you need me, I am here for you and we will get through this together and you’re not alone.” That was the biggest thing. That was a really hard time for us and now we’ve grown past that.

I am glad that you brought that up because I think that especially in relation to what Colton said, going back to this fear thing, I made the punishments pretty great—not in a positive way, but a big consequence for something that may not have needed a big consequence. So it put her in this hole of “I’m already in trouble. I’m just going to do whatever I want. What else can you take away from me?” And that eventually led to more unsafe things. It literally just kept going on and on. And every new thing I would add more consequence, add more consequence. And what I loved about your story, Colton, with what you did, Marissa, is you almost gave him an out. You grounded him until you read this book, but he hacked the system and got through it quicker and you didn’t go, “No. We’re going to do it this way.” There was some flexibility. It’s not punishing for the sake of punishing. And I think I did that more out of just the sake of punishing. “Well, you snuck out then you get this, or whatever it is.” And I love that you didn’t micromanage the consequence.

We were reading this together as a family, so it became a community endeavor where I was essentially forcing conversation and relationship in that “You’re going to sit in my space, I’m going to sit in yours because I don’t want this one act to be defining our relationship and for us to break apart because of it.”

I remember during this time when I didn’t have a car and so you had to drive me to counseling or church. Whenever we were in the car together, one thing that really connected us and made us forget about everything was music. We would just listen to music the whole time. We’d be like, “This is so good.” I was like, “Cool, this is a safe spot.” That was always our common ground. 

We know no parent is perfect. We’ve all experienced times when our parent has really blown it. We’ve talked about that today and they’ve probably beat themselves up after it happened. But looking back, what is it like to forgive or understand your parents’ downfalls? 

I feel like I remember times where I could really tell that he was almost beating himself up and blaming himself for the divorce and everything from my childhood. So I do have a good understanding of it now. Not even more so forgiving you, it’s more the understanding of everything.

What about you, Colton?

From my perspective, I feel like having disagreements with you or you messing up—it didn’t seem like you did a whole lot.But I don’t think I ever really got mad at you for screwing up. I thought about my relationship with my brother, how we’ll get in a fight and 30 minutes later, it doesn’t matter. We could get in the most horrible fight with anyone else, and we wouldn’t talk for a week but 30 minutes later with him, it’s like, “It doesn’t matter.” So once you have that relationship with someone, I don’t think you’re so focused on everything they did wrong because you have so much history. I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at you for more than 24 hours about anything. And so that’s amazing just to understand the kid’s not going to hate you forever. 

Well, with that, Colton, is there anything that you’re really grateful for now that you maybe weren’t very happy about at the time? Anything in particular?

Going back to the chores, I just went on a vacation with my friends and we stayed in the condo and we had to go do our own grocery shopping, and she always made me go grocery shopping with her. And so I kind of figured out the lay of the land and they didn’t really know a whole lot of what was going on. I made a list for them of stuff to get. And Evan, my buddy, went with me. We got the bulk of it. But even the people that I gave the list to, they didn’t get everything on the list. And so we got back in the car and it was like, “We don’t have enough milk. We were supposed to make burgers for six people. You got one tomato and no lettuce and no mustard.” I think that helped me realize how blessed I was, even with those responsibilities that I had. They weren’t all for nothing. 

What about you Zara?

I’m very independent and I rely on myself a lot. And I had my own bills to pay, which I wasn’t happy about knowing that once I turned 18, I was like, “Oh, I have to pay all my stuff. Like, oh my gosh.” But then I look at my friends that their parents pay for a lot, which is great. But then I look at me and I’m like, “I already know all this stuff. What do you mean you don’t know how to pay a bill or do this or that I have been doing for the past year or years?” I feel like that’s the first thing that comes to mind is: “That’s good. You’ve done 18 years of this.”  I’m on my own and now people my age that are just now graduating college are thinking, What’s going on? So I am really grateful for that now even though sometimes it sucks. 

And I think it’s an interesting point that as a single parent listening, you might think, Well, I’ve got to cover all the bases. And I’ve talked about this a lot on this podcast that we overcompensate as single parents. Sometimes we feel so bad for what our kids have gone through, but we need to be careful in doing that. Don’t worry about putting more burdens on our kids than you think. It’s uncomfortable because it does build resilience and there is something to learn in this solo season, even for our kids. And so it can serve them well.

So Colton, what do you want other kids of single parents to know?

Step one would be to learn how to read minds. Very important. But then two, I think a lot of the pressure is typically pushed more towards parents to try and understand their kids. At least I wasn’t sitting there, okay, how can I help my mom out? She was definitely thinking how can I help my kids out? But my brother and I were just living our best life. And so just to understand and to have extra grace because your parent has now taken twice the load. Before their plate got full and they could scrape some off to their partner’s plate, but they can’t do that anymore. So just to have extra patience with them I think goes a long way. And I wish that I had known that when I was younger.

Zara, what do you respect most about your dad? 

I feel like the list goes on now, but the number one thing that I was thinking about last night is “He’s very strong and he has three girls.” I was thinking about just all the stuff that’s happened within the last month that I’m just like, “How does he do it?” I would be freaking out with all the drama with us. He hears everything about all of me and my sisters. He hears about my best friend’s lives and their drama. So I feel like he’s really passed that strength onto me and I’m so thankful for that and I respect it so much. And also going off of that, he’s very dependable. It doesn’t matter at what time of the night I might not need something, but I’m just like, “Hey, this just happened. What do I do?” He always has the right answer. And he’s always there no matter what. And he’s always calm about it too. That’s another thing. It’s not like he’s never freaking out. He’s just like, “Okay, let’s think. Let’s go about this in the most mature and respectful way. How do we do this?” And he’s really taught me how to incorporate God into that, and faith, which I really love. It’s helped me so much learning from you and you don’t act out of emotion, you act out of logic. And whatever I am going through, I’m never scared to tell him. It could be anything. And I’m just like, “This happened, this happened, this happened.” And he’s just like, “I understand.” I still make mistakes. But now I look at you as like, “Okay, I know I can ask my dad and I know he won’t judge and he’ll support me” even though it’s not the best or right decision and he knows that, but he’s never going to be like, “You’re doing something wrong.” He is always just there and he’s always just supports me and loves me and I really feel it.

So when I called you, I was at the beach and I had left my shirt, AirPods, phone, and wallet on the sand a little bit above where the dry sand starts. And I was like, “Oh, that’s fine.” I go for a walk and I come back and it’s all gone. And so I was like, “Someone stole it or the tide got it because I could not find it.” I walked back and forth and it was getting dark. And so the tide was rising and I was like, “I’m screwed.” And so I had one of my friends call you and I was like, “Hey mom. So I lost everything.” And you’re like, “Okay, well let’s see if we can find it.” I was like, “Hey mom, I lost everything coming home right now.” It was just kind of like, “Okay, we’ll figure it out.” And you didn’t necessarily say those words, but that was just very reassuring for me because it helped me freak out a little bit less and it ended up being okay. My friend picked up my stuff and just didn’t tell me. 

So the secret to this is, behind the scenes, I’m like, “He’s calling me. Uh oh. What’s wrong?” I’m literally thinking, “Is he in an ambulance?” And so when he said he lost everything, I was like, “Okay, why are you calling, who cares? Stuff is replaceable.” My mind went to the worst case and that’s totally fine.

There’s so much hope because ultimately I believe that God is in control of all of this and he’s trustworthy and relationship is super important. This is what I’m taking away from this: Focus on building a relationship, being in their space, being present. Don’t focus on the things, the minor things. I mean, don’t let that overwhelm you and then just be there as much as you can and don’t beat yourself up. Just keep going, keep trying.

And appreciate who they are, where they are, in the season that they’re in, the age that they are. Like you said this earlier, Robert, they’re adapting. They’re growing. They’re trying on new things. I love that analogy because I would say that right now Jax is a 10-year-old trying on new things. It doesn’t start when they’re a teenager, it starts earlier. Go ahead and make that a practice now to appreciate who they are, where they are, what they’re trying on. And there’s going to be mistakes along the way, but navigating that with them and building that relationship now—is only going to serve as that foundation of safety and trust in the meantime.

Listener Question: As the single mom of two younger kids, it’s hard for me to keep them engaged at the dinner table, but I really want a time of connection for all of us. However, if I force it, everything falls apart. Do you have rules or expectations for your kids around mealtime?

I did. And some of them were probably like we’ve just talked about overboard, but I think that the primary one was no phones at the table. Phones have to be away from including mine. And then I think I kind of really enforced having mealtime. It was important for us to sit at the table. And the other thing that I did is highs and lows of the day. And I think that really helped. Not overreacting, but having some kind of ritual to dinner I think is important. 

So on the flip side, we had no ritual around dinner. You might eat whenever the food was there and I might cook whenever there was time to cook it. And there was a lot of our neighbors who my children probably survived because they ate their because they ate their food. And if I had had rules, I would’ve been mad at them for “you fed my kids and I needed that time,” but instead it was like, “No.” So I try to force myself every night, if they don’t come down to me to say goodnight, even now, I will go upstairs and I will just check in on them. And some days it’s bigger, but my dinner time is more bedtime because we didn’t get mealtime together. Colton for a long time was a gymnast, he wasn’t home until eight or nine. It just was not going to happen. 

But since we have Colton here, I am kind of curious, how would you answer that question?

I mean, I liked our one rule: Eat optional. And I think that that took a lot of stress off of us. But definitely as I’ve grown older, I like the family meal setting. I don’t want to be on my phone. I want to have meaningful conversations with you. So I think patience, waiting for your kids to grow into that. Maybe bring incentives into it. If you’re obedient at dinner for all of this week, then this weekend we can go hang out and do something fun, which gives you more quality time. I don’t know, when I have kids, I think that I’ll probably enforce mealtime a little bit more just because I miss some of that quality time that we didn’t get to have. 

Mealtime was big. One of my favorite things on earth is cooking. And so it gave me an opportunity to cook for people. I know that not everyone’s like that. But I also want to just kind of do a shameless plug here that we actually developed something to help with this question on our website. You can buy Solo Parent connection cards and they are just table conversation starters. It’s a deck of 52 cards. Each one has “Would you rather?” or something about our family. But I think it’s really helpful and for this very reason. So, “How is your day or what’s going on?” Think when they’re a teenager, fine or nothing are the answers. And so if you try to focus on something else, sometimes it helps engage in conversation. 

We don’t really have a ritual, but if I can tell that we haven’t necessarily had time together, then I’ll say, “Hey, tonight we’re not going to watch a show while we’re eating. We’re going to talk.” And at first he’s like, “Ah.” And then he opens up and he’s telling me all his things, but then I don’t hold to it every night. It’s like “I’m really tired, I’m talked out. I don’t want to really necessarily have a conversation.” I can tell he’s kind of the same way. So it’s like, “Hey, you want to watch a show together?” And we’re not always into a series together, but we have things that we like to watch together to do together. And so we’ll do those things. But I’ll tell you, the most fun we’ve had at the dinner table is when we’ve done things like those connection cards and he loves it.

Anyway, I also think I want to add one more thing to pile onto what Marissa said. Bedtime was probably the most important connection time and meals are great as a family. But going in and sitting next to your kids’ bed and just being there and talking and not forcing a conversation, but being there and praying with them and that kind of thing, that’s where a lot of connection happened for me. 

We love hearing from you. If you want to send in a question, go to our website and you will find instructions on how to email, call, or leave a voice message. You can also head over to Instagram or Facebook and send us a question there as well. 

Resources
Solo Parent connection cards