There are seasons in solo parenting when your heart starts whispering truths you’ve tried to ignore. Maybe it happens late at night when the house is finally quiet. Maybe it shows up in the way you feel around someone you care about: tight chest, second guessing yourself, losing pieces of who you are just so the relationship can keep running. Many single parents know what it is to stay longer than they should, hope harder than is fair, or shrink themselves because they were never shown anything different.
We ask the question many solo parents carry quietly: How do I know if a relationship is good for me, or if I’ve learned to call unhealthy things normal? And maybe even more importantly, how do I build something better when I’m not sure I know how?
This episode with Licensed Professional Counselor, Laurie Lokey, matters because the people you let into your life shape the way you show up for your kids, yourself, and the healing you’re working toward. When you come from broken patterns, trauma, or years of emotional survival, it’s hard to trust your instincts. It’s even harder to imagine that healthy relationships are possible for you. But this conversation offers clarity where things have felt foggy, and hope where things have felt heavy.
Key Insights from This Episode
- Healthy relationships begin with a healthy relationship with yourself. If you aren’t grounded in who you are, you’ll find yourself performing, shrinking, or blaming instead of connecting.
- Red flags and green flags are easier to identify when you stop looking outward and start looking inward. Relationships become healthier when you understand your own patterns, strategies, and fears.
- Your healing changes your children. Even if your kids are grown, your work becomes their invitation to live differently.
Healthy relationships begin with a healthy relationship with yourself.
Early in the episode, single parent, Elizabeth Cole, reflects on walking out of the original recording almost a year ago and realizing she needed to end her long-term relationship. The conversation revealed truths she had been avoiding, and three days later she made a life-altering decision. That season brought space, healing, hard personal work, and in time, reconciliation.
Her story gives language to something many solo parents know deeply. Sometimes the relationship itself isn’t the problem. Sometimes the problem is that we have lost ourselves inside it. When you lose touch with who you are, you cannot show up honestly or communicate clearly. Everything becomes outward blame, protection, or performance.
Laurie Lokey explains that a healthy relationship begins far before you attach yourself to another person. It begins with inner awareness. “Do I know who I am? Can I stay connected to myself?”
Without that, connection becomes fragile. You might become overly responsible for everyone else’s feelings or unable to name your own. You might shrink or puff up. You might confuse intensity for intimacy.
A healthy relationship requires that both people can show up as they are, without fear, performance, or pretending. That kind of presence is only possible when you feel secure in your own worth.
Red flags and green flags are easier to identify when you stop looking outward and start looking inward.
Laurie offers simple but powerful language around what matters most. Red flags appear when you cannot be fully yourself. Maybe you notice you’re always bracing. Maybe you keep trying to prove your worth. Maybe you walk on eggshells or hide parts of yourself to keep the peace.
On the other hand, green flags reveal themselves in stillness. Peaceful presence. The ability to disagree without fear. Mutual honesty. Space to be seen and still be safe.
As Laurie puts it, healthy partners “stay in the ring.” They don’t run from hard conversations, and they don’t expect their partner to regulate their emotions for them. They take responsibility for their side of the story.
This resonates especially for solo parents who have lived in survival mode. When you’ve been abandoned, betrayed, or dismissed, the dating world can feel terrifying. Rejection buttons get pushed easily. Fear rises quickly. Laurie reminds listeners that this fear is normal, and that self-compassion makes stepping back into connection possible.
She also warns against rushing to labels like “narcissist” or “abusive.” Hurt relationships are complex, and sometimes the work begins with asking, “Where have I handed away my power? Where have I been acting from fear, helplessness, or old wounds?”
This inner examination doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does lead to clarity about what is yours and what is not.
Solo parents often carry the weight of not wanting to repeat old patterns. That fear can make it difficult to trust your own discernment.
Laurie offers a simple starting point: if you are doing all the work and the other person refuses to grow, pay attention. Relationships cannot thrive on one-sided effort.
If you’re dating, that imbalance is a red flag.
If you’re married, the invitation becomes different. Instead of blaming, you invite your partner into shared work. You look honestly at what you contribute to the dynamic without taking responsibility for someone else’s choices.
Elizabeth reflects deeply here, recognizing how often she lived in helplessness and waited for someone else to change so she could finally be okay. That pattern robbed her of agency, respect, and the ability to choose what was best for her.
Healthy love does not require you to sacrifice your identity. And it certainly does not require you to stay small.
This theme threads through everything Laurie teaches: the most important work you can do is reclaiming your sense of self. When you know who you are, you can discern what aligns with your values and what doesn’t.
Your healing changes your children.
Many solo parents feel like they are failing their children by not having a healthy partnership to show them. Laurie’s response brings relief: your kids learn more from the way you treat yourself than from the relationships they observe.
She calls it a “living amends.” When you begin healing, growing, and owning your patterns, your kids feel the difference. They learn what safety looks like, not because you tell them, but because they watch you become more grounded, more honest, and more compassionate.
Even if your children are grown, it’s not too late. Healing is inherited.
Elizabeth adds that her twelve-year-old is already forming his understanding of relationships by watching how she handles conflict, boundaries, and communication. Whether you’re dating or not, your self-work becomes the foundation your children stand on.
Listener Question
“Some days I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. How do I know if I’m doing enough?”
This week’s listener question captures a fear nearly every single parent carries. Elizabeth responds with honesty: “You don’t.”
Some days you will feel like you missed the mark. Some days you’ll feel anxious, overwhelmed, or less patient than you want to be. But one hard day does not define your child’s story. Connection can always be repaired. Compassion can always be extended.
Robert adds that no one ever gets everything done. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is presence. If you are showing up, even imperfectly, your child has what they need.
Presence builds safety. Presence builds trust. Presence says, “I’m here with you,” even when everything feels messy.
If the holidays feel heavy, or if relationships feel confusing, know this: you are not alone. Healthy love is possible for you, not because you’ve done everything right, but because healing changes what you reach for. And when you begin to choose yourself with compassion, everything else begins to shift.
Join a Solo Parent group this week. This community is here for you.
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Licensed Professional Counselor, Laurie Lokey
Additional Resources:
