(5 min read)
What kids carry into the school year after family transitions, and how parents can help lighten the load
There’s something every child carries to school that you’ll never see on the supply list.
It doesn’t come in bright colors. It can’t be ordered off Amazon. No teacher will ever ask them to hang it on a hook.
But it’s there.
It’s the invisible backpack.
For kids who have walked through the breaking apart of a family, that backpack is stuffed with things no one else can carry for them: questions that knot their stomach, memories that tug at their hearts, a weight they don’t have words for.
Some wear it quietly, smiling through the heaviness. Others stumble under it, straps digging in as they move from class to class. And no matter how much they want to set it down, they can’t. The invisible backpack goes where they go.
The good news? While we, as parents, can’t take it off their shoulders, we can help lighten the load.
But that invisible backpack doesn’t look the same at every stage of childhood. What a kindergartener carries isn’t the same as what a middle schooler hauls around. The weight shifts, the questions change, and the way it shows up in their behavior evolves as they grow.
So what’s inside the invisible backpack at different ages? Let’s take a closer look.
The Early Years (Kindergarten–Elementary)
Young children often carry their questions in simple but profound ways:
- “Who will pick me up today?”
- “Will both Mom and Dad come to the school play?”
- “If I miss them, is it okay to cry?”
At this age, the invisible backpack is full of uncertainty and longing for reassurance. They may not have the words to express what’s swirling inside, so their “weight” shows up in clinginess, tantrums, or struggling to focus. Teachers often see children who appear distracted or emotional but don’t know the deeper story.
How to lighten the load: Simple consistencies help. A photo of both parents in their folder. A predictable before and after-school routine. Reassuring words that it’s okay to miss one parent while being with the other. Small anchors bring big relief.
The Middle Years (Tweens)
Tweens carry a heavier backpack, one that starts to bulge with self-awareness. They notice what’s “different” about their family compared to their peers. They carry quiet questions like:
- “Why does my family not look like everyone else’s?”
- “Do my friends think less of me because of this?”
- “If I’m angry at one parent, does that mean I’m not loyal?”
At this stage, they often keep things zipped up. They want to blend in and avoid standing out. So the backpack may look light on the outside, but inside it’s loaded with comparison, shame, and identity struggles.
How to lighten the load: Create safe spaces at home for their voice to matter. Remind them that their story isn’t something to hide. Encourage them to talk about their feelings without fear of disloyalty. Teachers can help by noticing withdrawal or irritability and offering patience instead of punishment.
The Teenage Years
Teens carry the most complex backpack of all. It’s packed with deeper, heavier realities:
- “How do I explain my family situation without it defining me?”
- “What if my choices hurt one parent or disappoint both?”
- “Will anyone ever understand the pressure I feel?”
Adolescents often become the “managers” of their own invisible backpack, choosing what to share and what to lock away. Some carry guilt for younger siblings, trying to be the strong one. Others carry anger that spills into risky choices or withdrawal.
How to lighten the load: Offer them ownership and respect. Let them set boundaries around what they want teachers or peers to know. Validate that their feelings are real without rushing to fix them. And keep reminding them that carrying weight doesn’t mean carrying it alone.
How Parents Can Help Teachers See the Backpack
Teachers are not just educators, they are some of the most consistent adults in a child’s world. But unless we share, they may never know what our kids are carrying.
- Send a short note at the start of the year explaining your child’s situation, in simple, respectful terms.
- Let teachers know what comforts your child when they’re stressed.
- Share patterns they may notice (for example, harder days after weekend transitions).
This doesn’t mean oversharing, but instead giving teachers enough context to be allies. When a child’s invisible backpack is understood, the classroom becomes a safer and lighter place.
With understanding, consistency, and partnership with teachers, the load doesn’t have to define them. Sharing this with your child’s teacher may be the single most important supply your child takes with them into the school year.
And remember, you don’t have to carry your own backpack alone either. At Solo Parent, we have online groups meeting every day of the week, full of other single parents who understand what it’s like to walk this road. You access those groups and many other helpful resources in our free Solo Parent App.
