(5 min. read)
There’s a moment many solo parents know too well: your child is speaking, but your mind is scattered, already racing ahead to bills, work deadlines, meals, or the uncertainty of what’s next. You nod, maybe even answer, but later you realize you weren’t fully there. And the guilt follows close behind.
Presence is one of the greatest gifts we can offer our children, but it often feels like the most elusive. Life as a single parent demands you carry double the load, which makes being present more than just a good intention, it feels like an uphill climb.
This blog addresses two real challenges:
- How to give your children a sense of safety and connection even when you feel stretched thin.
- How to repair the moments when you’ve missed it, because perfection was never the goal.
Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Power of Showing Up, describes presence not as a performance but as a mindset: “It’s not just about being physically there. It’s about your awareness, your attention, and your intention to be receptive and open.”
That truth relieves some pressure. We often believe we need flawless days to be “good parents.” In reality, children don’t require perfection, they need presence. And presence looks like the four S’s Siegel teaches: helping kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
Safe doesn’t only mean protecting them from harm, it also means not frightening them with our own stress.
Think about those moments when anger spills over, voices rise, or adult fears are shared within earshot. Even if unintentional, children absorb that energy. Yet, as Siegel reminds, “There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. What matters is showing up, and when you miss it, making a repair.”
One of the most freeing reminders for solo parents is this: it’s never too late to repair. Repair doesn’t erase mistakes, but it builds trust. Elizabeth Cole, a single parent, shares how she practices this with her son after tense moments: going back, naming what happened, and reconnecting.
Repair can be even more powerful than getting it right the first time.
When you own your mistakes, you model humility, accountability, and resilience. Your child learns relationships can survive imperfection. That lesson strengthens them for life.
Another of Siegel’s S’s—being seen—goes beyond noticing behavior. It’s about recognizing the mind and emotions beneath the behavior. He coined the word mindsight to describe this ability: the capacity to sense your own inner life and to empathize with your child’s.
Robert Beeson, Founder/CEO of Solo Parent, reflected on how a simple shift in language could change the dynamic with his children. Instead of asking, “How do you feel?” (which can sound invasive) Siegel suggests, “I wonder what you’re feeling.”
That subtle shift communicates curiosity rather than control. It honors your child’s inner world, giving them space to share rather than defend.
Every child will face distress, whether from scraped knees, the ache of divorce, or the fear of change. Siegel explained that soothing isn’t about eliminating pain but about co-regulating: staying present so your child doesn’t have to face it alone.
Presence + Attunement + Resonance + Trust = Soothing.
He calls this the “PART” approach. You don’t need to fix every problem; your steady presence communicates, “I’m here, and you are not alone.”
Children who are soothed learn to calm themselves.
They build resilience, not because distress is removed, but because they discover they can move through it with support.
Safety, being seen, and soothing all lead to the fourth S: security. This is the foundation of resilience and courage. Secure children grow into adults who can regulate their emotions, build healthy relationships, and launch into the world with confidence.
Siegel described it as giving your child both a safe haven to return to and a launching pad to step into life. That’s the paradox of presence: by staying close, you empower your children to go far.
If you’ve found yourself replaying old mistakes, take heart. “It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility,” one parent told Siegel. That balance frees you from shame while inviting you into growth.
The truth is, you don’t have to be flawless. What matters most is showing up with intention, repairing when you miss it, and practicing presence one moment at a time.
Your children don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present. And presence, imperfect, human, repairing, and trying again, is what will shape them most.
