We have partnered with the state of Florida to bring hope to single parents all over the state. So we have some free resources for single parent Floridians. All you have to do is go to SoloParent.org/Florida and you can check out all that we have to offer there. We’ve got a free course, we’ve got some group things happening, and then of course, all of our regular free resources and some other things are coming up this year.
Goal setting as single parents can feel overwhelming, shame filled, and downright unnecessary. We already have so many pressures in life. Why add more at the beginning of the year? We start off the year filled with hope and joy about what’s to come. How can we reframe goal setting to fit more of the single-parent lifestyle and feel better about ourselves in the long run?
We’re going to cover three main points. Number one, we’re going to talk about the top barriers to goal setting for single parents. Number two, we’re going to talk about reframing how we think about goals. And finally number three, we’re going to talk about some real-life examples of putting this in action.
Is it even possible to set and achieve goals as a single parent? What’s been your experience?
It’s been eight years since my husband passed away and I’m in a much better place where perhaps a goal could be set. But I can tell you in the first several years especially, I ran from goals because I had no idea what end was up. I had so much that was changing, and previous goals were obliterated and blown out of the water and setting new goals seemed like putting the goals next to each other. Why would I do that? It just seemed like one of those things that I’m like, “Nah, I’m going to just make sure my kids are fed. I’m not doing goals.”
What are some top barriers to goal setting as single parents?
Well, I know for me it’s all about the time constraints and being alone. I don’t have time to focus on my own goals. Every day is different. And not only that, I don’t have anyone helping me think through and achieve those goals and supporting me in a way that would help me get there. You know what I mean? That’s the big thing.
You talked about not only being alone, but also the unpredictable schedules. I don’t care who you are as a single parent, you can go into a year or you can go into a day with all the good intentions of how things are going to execute. The truth is our schedules are completely unpredictable, so it feels so difficult to plan anything. Not to mention we’re just trying to get what we need done for the day. It’s adding one more thing at the beginning of the year going, “Okay, this year I’m going to do X, Y, and Z.” I’m lucky to get the necessities done and then add an unpredictable schedule and nope, that’s a barrier.
I think the burnout is real and the pressure that a goal can put on you when you realize “I’m going to set myself up for failure because there’s no way I’m going to actually be able to do this. I’m going to have too many barriers and I don’t want to fail at one more thing.” It’s like a recipe for stress and anxiety and everything else that comes with it. For me, I can’t do it. Not to mention finances. It’s all this pressure to sign up for a gym or eat healthy. Eating healthy costs so much money. And then wanting to travel or all the things that cost money to do what we want to do. I don’t have unlimited funds. I get the intention. I love going into a new season and having some intentionality about it, but the pressure is so immense and there are so many barriers.
Let’s talk about reframing how we think about goals. What do we mean by that and how do we do it?
Rather than focus on a big goal and accomplishing something great that you can’t control or maybe you try to control but you could fail at, look at things you can control. Look at systems and habits more than goals. Maybe choose to read 10 pages a day or choose to eat a healthy meal on Sundays because you have more time to cook. I don’t have to change everything. I don’t have to set a goal to lose 100 pounds, but I could just make one little decision in my life. James Clear, the author of the book “Atomic Habit” says when you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy. You can be satisfied anytime your system is running. And a system can be successful in many different forms, not just the one you first envision, which is kind of an interesting thought. I very much like the end product of something. But if I’m just like, “No, you know what? I enjoy this. I enjoy the process of cooking,” which those words, that’s not truth spoken from my mouth, so please don’t quote me on that. But if I were to say that, it could revolutionize how I was cooking,
I think that is a major part of reframing: the destination is not the most important thing to keep on your mind. That’s where the shame comes in for me. If it’s to lose 10 pounds or want to run a full marathon—that’s been a goal of mine for several years now and I have not reached [it]. So all it does is set you up [for failure] if you’re just picturing that big goal versus the day-to-day habits. And I’ve gotten to where my habit is running, but I’m just doing it to enjoy the running. I’m not doing it to run 26 miles. So do races keep me running? Yes. Because I do need that to keep myself moving. But aside from all that, the curiosity of it all and being able to experiment freely is an idea that I can get behind as opposed to the goals thing. In thinking about cooking, Marissa, I’m not a cook either. But if that interests me, getting into something that I’m curious about and want to know more about and not worrying about mastery or the outcome of it all—just enjoying the process and paying attention to that intrinsic motivation or the natural inclinations is a huge piece that I can really get behind rather than this big goal.
I read somewhere online that said, treat life like a series of experiments and try new activities without committing too soon. And I was thinking about after I read that, “We don’t commit to relationships way too soon. Hopefully not. So why would we commit to, ‘Oh, I’m going to be this triathlete and we don’t even know how to ride a bike.’” You know what I mean? Why would we go out and buy a $1,000 bike to do triathlons without knowing how to ride it? I know I ride a bike like a five-year-old, so I’ll never be a triathlete, but you know what I’m saying? Just don’t commit to it. Just see. Just dip your toe in the water, see what it is, and enjoy day-to-day life versus having to be the expert.
And I think that’s what I like about this idea of reframing because you could say, “My goal is to ride a bike,” but if you just reframe that and go, “I’m curious about cooking or riding,” you’re giving yourself permission to not put the pressure [on], but still embrace the curiosity. And that takes me into what I think about this idea of reframing goals. And that is adopting a growth mindset where it’s more about what little pieces I can pick up in my life that bring value to me or my family that are spiritually and physically enriching; it’s about growth—it’s more about being committed to grow instead of focusing on the result. And I think when you do that, you could argue that it is a goal. You are trying to grow or do something. But I think so much of this comes down to how we message it or articulate it to ourselves. So again, boo on goals, but the spirit behind it is not bad. I think curiosity, growth, mindset—that’s good. That’s why it’s important to reframe things.
As part of reframing, you can also do a look back instead of a look forward. I didn’t even realize that I had set a goal for myself until I had accomplished it. And I looked back and I was like, “That was something I really actually wanted to do. I’m glad I did it.” But it was more of this desire—there was no pressure to actually accomplish it. It was just, “I will make an effort to achieve it.” And if that happens, great, and if not, it was never a stated goal of mine. But when I achieved it and looked back, I was like, “Oh, I guess you could have said that was a goal” but looking back instead of forward took the pressure off for me.
You can be proud of where you’ve gotten to. I really love that. And journaling for me is a good way to be able to do that, to be able to look back and reflect. Being able to jot down what craziness was going on that day, I can look back and be like, “Soo, I’m not as crazy as I was then.” Hey, that’s something, right? I think when I first started the idea of Solo Parent, I started blogging and vlogging. Just recently I looked back at some of the things that I was saying, thinking that I had some kind of wisdom. And I’m going, “Man, what was I on? That was terrible!” But I wouldn’t know if it wasn’t documented. So along the lines of that, retrospect is an important part of moving forward.
Let’s talk about some real life examples of moving away from the idea of goals and all the barriers that stand in the way and reframing it.
I’ve got a couple of things that are going to sound counterintuitive to one another, but the first one is to say yes. And the second one is say no. We were talking before we hit record—some of us have personalities where we say yes all the time. That happens to be me. I have a lot of FOMO. I have a lot of wanting to be involved. You know what? Just invite me even if I can’t come; at least invite me. So for me, as someone who always says yes, maybe I should try saying no. That was my thought, and that’s what I had to learn how to do. I had to learn how to say no. And the reason why is I overcommitted, especially early on for the first few years after the divorce. I was overcommitting myself because I didn’t want to be home. I didn’t want to sit in the feelings of it. I didn’t want to be in a quiet house when Jax was away with his dad or even when Jax was home. I filled our time with all kinds of things to do because when it was just the two of us and we didn’t have stuff to do, I found myself having to feel the heaviness of being a single parent. And as a result of that, I hadn’t created a home for us. And so then it piled on that I didn’t want to be at the house. It turned out to just be a big storage unit that we slept in and watched TV every once in a while. And so I found that I needed to start saying no, sit in my feelings, deal with my stuff, and also clean up my house and get into a place where I wanted to actually live there and not be a storage unit.
For those personalities that always say no, I was a lot more likely to hide in my work and hide from people because people hurt and I didn’t want to be hurt some more. And so I set a rule for myself very early on that if I got invited to do anything and I physically could, then I had to say yes if I didn’t have a conflict, whether or not I was too tired. But that wasn’t my default. I didn’t feel like doing that necessarily. I felt like not going. I felt like hiding out with my kids. I either was working or I was hiding out with my kids. Those were the only two things that were safe. And so I had to get out of my comfort zone and to do that, I had to start saying yes,
I totally relate to that. I dove into work and my kids, I said no to most things I didn’t. And it’s so interesting having these conversations because we all entered as single parents. We all experienced loss or heartache or whatever. And it’s so fascinating that you can go either direction, so I agree with your point in yes or no depending on who you are. And fun fact, somebody told me about Solo and I had a rule, so guess what I had to do? I had to go.
It doesn’t have to be going out and doing things or staying home. I mean, it can just be saying yes to a curiosity you have and not putting it on the back burner or be like, “I don’t have time” or make up an excuse. Just learning to say yes or learning to say no, depending on your personality can really help you trend in the right direction, which is what this is all about. Another thing that’s really small and easy, and I didn’t know it at the time—a few years ago, my kids used to go over to the neighbor’s houses quite a bit and they came home and said, “Oh, we don’t like our house. It’s always so dark.” If I’m not in a room, I don’t have the light on. And sometimes even if I’m in that room, I don’t have the light on, but I didn’t realize what tone it was setting. And so if I could go back, I would turn on more lights just to make the house feel happier and more occupied. Isn’t it interesting that small things can be actually fairly significant. They can have a really big impact on us and our success. I was thinking about that because the house that I lived in felt like a storage unit. It was an internal townhouse, so it didn’t have windows on either side, and it straight up felt like a cave. There was no amount of light—daylight or nightlight—that was going to make it brighter in there. I moved out last year. I bought a house and our friend Emma moved into my old house. She took over my rental and I said, “Emma, I’m so sorry it’s a cave. I mean, I hope you’re okay with that.” She’s like, “Oh, I like that cave actually. I like the dark.” She just wants to sit in the dark. So that’s fine. But I hear your point. My house now is so much brighter, cheerful. I have lights on all the time. I have big pieces of artwork that are bright and cheerful and colorful, and it’s home. It makes me feel so much happier.
For a single parent especially, keeping the status quo can be a target. It can be a lot of effort just to say, “I’m going to keep things steady. I’m going to allow my child to participate in the same sports that they’ve done. I’m going to keep dinner time at the same time. I’m going to keep them in the same whatever it is.” Sometimes just keeping things the way they are is actually a monumental achievement.
For me, goals or the absence of goals, or moving and reframing looks like moving away from the idea that I have to have a goal to accomplish and instead creating more of a theme-oriented experience. For instance, at the beginning of 2024, I was like, “My theme is going to be health: mental health, physical health. I’m going to try to pay attention to that.” Now, here’s what I didn’t do. I didn’t set a weight goal, I didn’t set any of these things. I’m like, “I just want my theme to come back to this idea of health.”
I think it’s more about equipping yourself with the right questions. So, “Is this serving my health?” And it’s not shaming, it’s more like just committing myself to a theme. And so to me, it’s almost like putting on different lenses: I filter everything through the lens of health. “Is this good for my mental health, my emotional health? Am I working too much? Am I eating too much? Am I eating the wrong things?” And again, it is not about “I’ve got to lose this” or “I’ve got to gain this.” It’s more about changing the theme, changing the lens and deciding that this year I’m going to move in that direction. I’m going to make it a priority. I like being able to ask a question. Who knows what’s going to come out of that?
I think it is important to note that not setting goals doesn’t mean that you don’t move forward or nothing good happens or you’re stagnant. There’s other ways to get forward momentum that may not be as debilitating to your psyche as, “Oh my goodness, I’m an ultimate failure. I can’t accomplish this one goal I set for myself.” I’ve kind of alluded to it earlier, but just trusting yourself (and this is something that’s really hard to do early on in the solo parent days), but knowing what made me feel good and knowing myself enough to say, “This is what I want for me, if nothing else, and this is what I want for my kids. This is the experience I want my kids to have. I mentioned running earlier. I noticed that running made me feel better. It made me a better person because it was a way for me to release anxiety. It was a way for me to just be a little bit more balanced across the board. And I noticed that when I wasn’t running regularly, I was getting a little out of whack. Things weren’t as good, and I just needed that space and time to be able to do that. Same with journaling. Anytime I go for long periods of time without journaling, I am not in a good place. And so just have a little bit of time to notice what’s good for you and what the absence of that does to you. Just focus on those things because if you notice that they feel good to you and that they make you a better person, a better mom, better dad, better coworker, better whatever, then I think you’ll naturally want to do those things more versus feeling like “I have to.” And that’s where I get stuck with goals—it’s not based on something that I want to do, it feels like something I’m supposed to do. And whenever it’s something related to “supposed to” there’s always shame that’s attached.
Takeaways
- There are so many things that stand in the way of being able to set a goal. It can ultimately make us feel less than or ashamed of not being able to do it, which is totally normal to feel. There are natural barriers that are going to be there as a single parent.
- There are ways that we can reframe how we think about goals to help us feel more successful and actually enjoy everyday life.
- I think what it comes down to is paying attention to how we reframe things and start moving in that direction. And I love that you started that section, Elizabeth, saying, “There’s no absolute.” You might need to say yes more. You might need to say no. They’re completely the opposite of each other. It’s not one size fits all, but there is a way to start moving in an intentional deliberate direction.
Listener Question
How do I help my child feel secure and loved when I’m juggling work and parenting alone?
As a single parent, you’re always juggling. I didn’t always do this right. When you’re with them, be completely present, because it is impossible for you to meet all the needs. It’s impossible for you to be there all the time. If you can start taking that pressure off of yourself to connect all the dots, to keep all the balls in the air, it frees you up to when you are with them, [you’re able to] make sure that you are really present with them. That is what anchors them and makes them feel loved and secure.
I would also say I try to be accessible by phone for my kids while I’m at work. I know some jobs you can’t. But recently I broke that rule. My whole team knows I watch my phone and if it’s my child, I’m answering it. Recently my boss was in the office and I didn’t take his call and I didn’t take the second one from the gym, and it turned out [my son] was sitting in an ambulance. So if I’m in a meeting or something, I’ll text him, “Can you text?” But I try to be responsive because they only have me. There’s no other parent to go to. In fact, a couple years ago, Colton hit a deer and called me and I was on the phone with a counselor and didn’t answer him. And again, see, I should answer those phone calls. He ended up having to call another family member to figure out what in the world to do with this poor dying deer on the side of the road.
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