So often single parents are starting from a deficit when it comes to self-worth. It could be due to an unhealthy relationship or simply our experiences as a single parent. Whatever the reason, our self-worth often declines drastically when we become a single parent. When we’re starting from a deficit, where do we even start the journey to self-worth? How can we rebuild our self-worth in actionable practical ways?

We’re going to cover this in three main points. First, we’re going to talk about the difference between self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. Second, we’re going to talk about evaluating your own. And then finally we’re going to talk about doing the work of rebuilding self-worth.

How’s your self-worth doing and what gets in the way?

I’m struggling right now with self-worth and it feels like all these lies that I thought I had uprooted and figured out and believed otherwise are coming up right now. Over the last three weeks or so, I felt very strong in this regard. I feel like a lot of these things have healed. I feel confident. I feel like I do have self-worth; I have something to bring to the table. I’ve felt very grounded in that. And then I got the rug pulled out from under me emotionally and my face hit the ground and I’m like, “Oh, okay. Well I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.” So it’s lies, typically. It’s things that pop up and make me believe otherwise and say, “Wow, maybe I’m really not lovable. Maybe I’m really not X, Y, and Z.” Whatever it is, it’s the whole lovable thing. The big lie is you are unlovable. If people really knew you, really knew what was inside your heart, they’d be gone.

I hate that lie. And it is a lie because we both love you. And that came up at coffee where I was like, “Oh, I hate hearing this.” I know we cried together, but I’m nodding here in the studio because yes, what sometimes gets in the way of self-worth is old tapes that play for me, lies I thought had been deeply covered with truth or even uprooted and tossed out of my life. And all of a sudden I’m like, “Ooh, wait a second. Is that popping back up again?” 

Let’s talk about the difference between self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. Self-esteem is often based on performance—external factors, how you’re perceived by others. This is the feeling we get from our success, the things we do, social status, our job title, things we feel good about, the number of friends we have. This is where we can sometimes think “If I just perform better, I’ll have better.” And we’re looking at a feeling of worth or self-esteem based on mirrors in our life and external factors. I know I fell into that quite a bit, even in comparison to the rest of my family. My brother and I are achievers. And we’re more successful as far as our family goes. We’re able to say, “Oh, well, I have this high ranking position at this very well-known company, and I make a decent salary more than my family makes or has made.” And it’s like, “Sorry, hold on.” The temptation to place your self-worth in that is very easy if you don’t actually have self-worth. You know what I mean? It’s like an easy little bandaid that you can put just over top of it.

It’s not saying that having confidence or pride in the things that you’ve done is wrong. It can make us feel good in the moment. But self-esteem is inconsistent because it’s measuring yourself based on performance or something external that’s happening. And that because it can change; it isn’t something we can use as a bedrock foundation of our work because it does vary. It is inconsistent and it does change. Different from that is self-confidence, which is an overall evaluation of yourself. So this is a little bit more internal. It’s sort of my idea of who I am apart from those externals, but it’s a feeling of confidence and it’s based on competence in specific areas. You may think, “Well, I am confident because I did really well in school,” or “I really like that I have a great sense of humor.” And so it’s more intrinsic to who you are. But it’s a feeling and it could also vary: What if you were a really poor student and evaluation of yourself in that regard is low? Self-confidence is more variable, but it comes more from inside of you.

Comparison [happens] if you don’t have self-confidence. I actually think that comparison is the number one thing that stands in the way. And on top of that, because you aren’t going at a deeper level and [haven’t] done the work to figure out [self-confidence], you don’t have the self-worth. If we’re looking at these achievements and the different things that cause you to be confident in who you are or what you can do/your abilities, comparison can keep you from feeling confident. But if you don’t know what you’re good at because you haven’t had the self-worth to be able to step in and say, “Let me give these things a try” or “Let me see where my offer to the world or my community, what I have to give, really stands out,” how can you have self-confidence? 

It’s not that confidence is a bad thing. The same way we were saying that having self-esteem and these things are not necessarily a bad thing, but they blossom out of your self-worth versus what we do is try to have self-esteem, have self confidence, attach it to all these things without it coming from a rooted place of self-worth. It’s like a backwards way.

I think for me, this is self-confidence. I’ve always had a really difficult time with this. And because I have had a degree of success in my career, I could attach some self-worth to that, but I’ve never felt confident in what I do. It’s been a real struggle. And we’ve talked about tying self-confidence to competency. That is something I really struggle with. Am I competent to actually do this? I’ve had the great privilege of having some success, and so I’ve just propped myself up with esteem. But there’s this imposter behind all of it going, you got lucky, you lucked into that, or you had the right relationship with this person. And so this is something that I’ve really struggled with, and the more I’ve learned about self-worth, the more I’ve understood about both of these things and self-confidence or competency. 

Self-worth is that deeper, more inherent belief that you deserve to be alive, you deserve to be loved and cared for, and you get to take up space. It’s apart from performance. It’s apart from our own self-assessment or evaluation that I did something or I’m competent or smart or athletic and that’s why I deserve [it]. No. Apart from externals, apart from your own assessment, you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. And that’s the Merriam-Webster definition of self-worth: a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. I would take it further to say it’s a deep-seated core belief that as a created being, I was created for purpose, on purpose, and from that place am absolutely worthy. It’s not about comparing ourselves to others. It’s distinct from our abilities and accomplishments. And it’s apart from the three A’s, which I call accomplishments, abilities, and approval from others. And because it’s apart from those things, it’s durable. It’s apart from our abilities: I’m athletic, I’m smart, I’m funny. It’s apart from our accomplishments: I’m a CEO, I’m super accomplished. And it’s apart from approval from others. So because there aren’t external or other barometers for our worth, it’s very unchanging. I am worthy simply because I am.

I want to bring a personal example into this. And it’s something I learned from my eldest child. He’s 22 and on the autism spectrum. As he became an older teen, he really began to grapple with a sense of worth because he became more aware of his unique differences, his abilities, his inabilities, his lack of accomplishments or the things he could accomplish. And he started to really wrestle with this, and we would talk it through a lot. He had a lot of moods, ups and downs with it. And finally one day, he had wrestled with it long enough. And I think it was grace. I really do. I think it was God’s grace that he reached this place of starting to say, “Mom, even if I never accomplish anything like other kids—not going to college, whatever those things might be that we think young adults could or should accomplish—I like who I am. And I love who I am, and I’m worth being here. Even if I essentially just wake up every day.” And I just was like, yes, one hundred percent, a thousand percent. I’m so glad you’re here. You don’t have to accomplish anything for me to love you. You don’t have to prove anything. I just enjoy you. I’m so glad you’re my child. I’m so glad you’re here talking with me about this and just continuing to reaffirm that in him. But it came from within himself, and I think it was a deep truth that as humans struggle with the question, “Am I created with worth?” And I’m so thankful that he, by God’s grace, arrived at that knowledge.

My solo season was probably the first time I started understanding my worth. When things are stripped away, the things that you’ve accomplished—and I felt like a failure at marriage, was no longer employed in a high profile position—I had nothing. I mean, I had plenty, but relative to what I perceived that I had, I had nothing. And yet during that season, I started understanding that I was worthy just because, not because of anything I did or any performance, and that I actually had some abilities, even though I wasn’t using them at the time, but it was in this desert season, in this wilderness of solo parenting that worth came alive. It’s kind of ironic and poetic and spiritual or whatever you want to call it, because I do think God says, “Yeah, you know what? You’re the one that tells you yourself, you have to do this, your abilities, your measuring comparison, all this stuff. I never said that.” To your point, Amber, you’re enough just

to Justice your son just like you are. For him to have that awareness is beautiful. That’s where I first started understanding my worth—was when I didn’t have anything to be proud of, so to speak. I had just myself and my girls and God and that’s where that started building for me.

How many times do you go through these big existential questioning crises where it’s like, “Why doesn’t even all matter?” You know what I mean? We’ve got this earth and we’re here, we’re spiritual beings, but we’ve got tables and chairs and then also our jobs and our bodies and it’s all going to be gone one day. So why does it even matter? You know what I mean? What matters most? So often we put our self-worth, self-confidence in the way we look and in our bodies. And you talk a lot about body shaming and the issues you’ve had with that.

How can we separate our self-worth not being tied up in what our bodies look like or are doing (health issues, bad diagnosis). I’m 43 and all of a sudden my body’s shutting down. You know what I mean? And so many people tie their self-worth into what their bodies can do physically, but does it matter? I think that is a deep existential crisis kind of question. And have I been there a time or two? Maybe just a few dozen. These are important questions. 

Are we more valuable than what we can do, how we’re perceived, how we look, our own self evaluation? 

I hope so. And I think the thing about self-worth is it’s deeper, it’s more durable. It doesn’t change based on what we do, how we’re perceived, what I think about myself as if I were on a huge roller coaster of ups and downs and shame. I’m getting older. I may be gaining a little weight in my fifth decade. And it’s like, “Am I still going to be lovable, desirable, whatever? Am I more than how I look?” No, it’s so much deeper than that. It’s who we are

How do we have faith and trust that we are going to be taken care of regardless of those things? My mom, my aunt, and my sister all have MS. So I have this fear that I’m right in line for that. And if my body starts breaking down in that way, who can love me? You know what I mean? Who will take care of me? And those are scary, scary things. This is such an important conversation to have. I mean, I think to me, self-worth really boils down to one thing. It’s who God says I am. 

Well, I just love what Maya Angelou says about this. She’s such a wise woman and she’s so poetic. I’m struck by the fact that self-worth is often a surrender to a greater truth. That my worth is greater than all these things we mentioned. And Maya says, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” And when I let that hit, I can decide not to let my value, my worth, my inherent goodness be reduced by the things that happen. 

Evaluating your own self-worth. Where do you go when you think about this?

The first thing is thinking about some of the questions you can ask yourself. 

1. How much do you respect and value yourself?
2. What words would you use to describe yourself to a stranger? 
3. Are you able to actually accurately describe who you are at your core self? 
4. When you self-reflect, are your thoughts generally positive, negative, or somewhere in between?

Today they’ve been generally negative, but sometimes it’s moment by moment. Sometimes I’m really good at that tennis match and a negative thought comes, smacks me in the face, and then I’m able to say, “Nope, that’s not true. I’m not going to believe that. I’m not going to take it on.” And then there are other days it’s just permeating and there’s no working it out without somebody helping me through that. And then there are other days where it’s like, “No, I’m good.”

I admit that at this age and stage in life, most often my thoughts about myself are pretty positive. And so when they’re not, I take notice more quickly. I try to begin to speak truth into those old tapes that play more quickly because I now recognize, “Hey, wait, you like who you are. You’re satisfied with the knowledge that you’re a real person with great abilities and some inabilities.” I’ve reached a lot of peace, and that’s been hard one through God, through truth, through friendships.

Stress or high intensity really hit my self-worth button. I generally think lower of myself. I actually do really well in a crisis, but I go into this other mode. And when you were asking that question, I would say that it does vary, but stress (and that is the life of a single parent) can bring on a lot of questioning about something.

It’s almost like there are things that can feed my soul. Counseling obviously does a great job of that. And then even having deep conversations with you guys or having a touchpoint where we’re able to check in and see how each other’s doing and talk about the real stuff. Those things definitely fill the tank. I am coming up on counseling this week and it’s almost like you get to the end of your check—it’s almost time for payday again, and you’re like, “Whew, I got a few dollars left. That’s about it.” And so that’s where I’m at right now. I have a few dollars left. I know counseling’s coming up, so I’m going to get refilled and we’ll be good for a little while. 

And I think we may each have an achilles heel when it comes to a sense of self-worth and a place where we’re most vulnerable. I hate to admit this, but [mine is] often related to this very shallow idea of the superficial vessel that we are as physical beings. That would be my achilles heel. I hate that. But I think that other single parents and humans can relate to that.

This is important to talk about when you get together and you touch base and hear other people. It completely normalizes the fact that we have these questions about ourselves. Worth fluctuates. 

I want to say really quickly, one of the other questions is, “Do you believe you are worthy of others’ love, respect, and consideration?” And this one hits me because I’ve been going through a season of learning and being able to stand up for myself. I’m really good at standing up for other people. And I’ve been in situations where I hear someone being disrespected and I’m like, “Whoa. We’re not going to treat somebody like that.” And I’ll come to their aid. But the point is, do I stand up for myself in that way too? And I’ve noticed that in the times where I’m standing on my two feet and I’m good, I’m grounded, I’m feeling alright as far as self-worth goes, then I have a lot easier time standing up for myself or even just having a shield where it’s like, “Nope, you don’t get to touch me. That’s on you. You don’t get to touch me with your negativity. You don’t get to touch me with your spit you’re throwing at me or fire.” And then there are other days where that shield can’t come up. My self-worth is depleted and I’m not feeling it. And then I get struck by the lightning tongue, somebody saying something, and then it’s like, “Oh yeah, that one hurt.” And it just puts me in a spiral.

Statements About Self-Worth

1. “I treat myself with the same respect and appreciation that I give to others.” So just like you might take up for someone else, it’s that idea of treating myself with that same respect, and expecting others to as well. 
2. “I am kind to myself.” I have jokingly said for decades now, “I am my own best friend and cheerleader.” If I need a pep talk, I look right in the mirror: “You are wonderful. You love people. You’re deeply loved by God. You have so much to give. Okay, so you made a mistake.” Speaking the truth in kindness to myself is a huge strategy of mine related to self-worth. It’s repeating what’s true: “Oh, you’re human. Oh, you made a mistake.” That doesn’t mean you’re not valuable or that you’re not amazing in all these other ways. 
3. “I feel that I truly deserve everything I have in my life.” Isn’t that hard to believe it is for me? Do you ever feel like you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? It’s like, “Ooh, what’s going to happen?” It’s all going to get ripped out from under me.That’s a huge thing that I’ve struggled with in the past. And I have friends who have admitted that to me too, where it’s like, everything feels good right now. Is it weird that I am waiting for something bad to happen? But as single parents, we have had the world worked out from under us in an unexpected way. So there’s some muscle memory there, even within our emotional being where we’re built that way. I remember hearing a study about how we are programmed in life. The example he gave was opening credits in a little Welsh town, and the camera pans into a family sitting around the table enjoying breaking off pieces of bread and buttering it and passing the wine and just everyone’s happy. And inevitably something bad is about to happen. He was illustrating in life, we are programmed to know that if something is good, you just have no idea what’s around the corner. And I tend to live in that place too. It’s like, “No, I deserve what I’ve got right now, and I’m going to actually be present and grateful and enjoy it while it’s available.” I was watching “The Bear” last night, and there was a really happy scene where one of the characters was elated with where he was right then and there, and he was riding in his car, and I was like, “Oh gosh, is he going to get struck by a car? Is he going to die right now?” 
4. “When negative things happen in my life, I don’t see them as punishment.” This ties into “Everything that I have in my life, I deserve it.” And I think this is some of growing up in a Southern Baptist church where things are tied to “you’re blessed if you act the right way.” And if you aren’t blessed monetarily or in your life, then you’re not doing the right things. God isn’t able to bless you, you’re sinning, or whatever.
   

Characteristics of Low Self-Worth

1. If you’re struggling with low self-worth, you may often criticize yourself and your abilities.
2. You may not recognize compliments; it may be difficult to receive positive words. 
3. Maybe you’re focusing on your mistakes and what you didn’t do well
4. Sometimes we avoid challenges and we’re less able to achieve because we just don’t feel confident or like we’re of worth to even try things
5. We bend over backwards to please others. 
6. We don’t set boundaries and we’re less likely to stand up for ourselves. And that can lead to abuse or neglect. 

So if you notice that’s a pattern for you, I think it really makes sense to evaluate and think, “Wow, why am I not believing I’m worth [something]?”

How do we rebuild?

We’ve talked so much about this and how unconditional self-worth is the antidote to low self-worth. When we truly believe that we have value that’s inherent, that’s intrinsic, it doesn’t fluctuate. It’s rock solid. We can move forward with more confidence that, even when life doesn’t go as we hoped, even when things are out of our control, we have value just as we are not for what we do. 

Researchers at Michigan State University recommend two main strategies for boosting self-worth in adolescence, so this can apply to our kids. 

1. The first is providing unconditional love, respect, and positive regard. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my single parent journey, but going back to my example with Justice, my eldest. I think in that time he was starting to wonder about his value and in the end, he reached that conclusion of, “No, I’m valuable apart from all those outside things.” By God’s grace, I think he was really able to know how deeply I loved him unconditionally.
2. The second one is to give our children opportunities to experience success. Let them try to cross the monkey bars all by themselves and be willing to pick them up if they fall or be spotting them a little bit, but don’t be so cautious that we hover and don’t give them opportunities to succeed on their own. [They can] make the choice, make the decision on their own for what their next step is going to be. And then let them fail or succeed. Give them just enough autonomy that they can strike out and try without bringing up anxiety of being so cautious that they really question and doubt their worth.

We can use these same strategies for ourselves

It also makes me wonder how we can reparent ourselves if we’re struggling with this and say, “Alright, what opportunities can I experience success in? What challenges can I put in front of myself? Do I want to go back to school and learn something new? Or do I want to challenge myself to do a half marathon or a 5K or whatever?” Whatever these things are—something you’re afraid of, learning a new hobby, learning a new language, stretching your limits in any sort of way, how can you do that? And I’m starting to feel this. I want to learn more about various things. I want to start thinking about the steps I can start taking now to learn in order to write a book successfully. I feel an urge and I feel a push to do that. It’s my challenge to other people to do the same thing. Not necessarily to write a book, but get out there and run or do whatever challenge you want to do for yourself. Where are you being pulled?

Start practicing being gentle with yourself. Jamie Winship, an author that we love, asks God, “What do you say about me?” It’s getting curious but also being intentional in building your self-worth, not just self-esteem and self-confidence? God decided we should be here. I think that’s a really important piece of building our self-worth.

Providing that unconditional love and support for ourselves is great, but also surrounding ourselves with people who do that. I’ll say that it’s been a huge gift … [to have friends who] have provided unconditional love even when I would’ve said, “If I tell them this, they’re going to not want to be my friend,” or “I’m going to be too much.” And pushing past the fear of still showing up anyway and allowing them to respond and react and be there for me has been hugely healing and helpful; having other people around me who are loving me unconditionally, giving me the respect that I deserve and want and need, and helping me rebuild my self-worth without even knowing it. One thing I’ve challenged myself to do is receive compliments—just saying “thank you” has been a really good first step. It’s really uncomfortable to just say “thank you” when someone says, “You did an amazing job on X, Y, and Z” instead of being like, “Well, I could have done this better.” But if you can challenge yourself to just say “thank you” and receive, then even when people show up or want to show up for you … instead of not receiving that help or the way someone wants to show up, you can receive it. Otherwise, that can hinder your self-worth and keep you from really believing in accepting and receiving the love that other people are trying to give.

Another important strategy is to be aware that in letting yourself try things, you’re not supposed to get it right the first time. Maybe you want to run a 5K or half marathon or learn a new skill. ‘m not supposed to get it right the first time. It’s okay if I fail. It’s a learning opportunity. Let adversity be your friend and not let perceived success or failure impact your worth; let your worth be solid regardless by saying to yourself, “Of course, I’m human. I’m going to make mistakes. That’s how I learn.” 

A huge one for me has been forgiving myself and getting past toxic shame. Forgiving myself has been so hard but is an important piece of self-worth. Try to replace that voice that goes, “Yeah, but if people knew I did X, Y, or Z” with the idea of “If people knew how much God loves me and thinks I’m awesome.” That has been a big part of me getting a little healthier becase I carried around a lot of shame. 

One other way is to look outside yourself. Sometimes when you get so wrapped up in your own shame or what you look like to other people, it can be really hard to serve others or really be present with other people or give what you have to give to others. And so a really great way to not get wrapped up in yourself and your own self-worth or really heavy toxic shame is just looking outward. Pretend that every person has a sign around their neck that says, “Help me feel important.” 

Takeaways

1. Self-worth is different from self-esteem. It is an internal belief that you deserve to take up space to be alive, to be cared for, simply because you’re you. 
2. in order to rebuild our self-worth, we need to honestly evaluate where ours stands. That’s why these questions about “What am I telling myself?” are so important. 
3. Rebuilding self-worth takes intentionality and doesn’t happen overnight. But it is really critical that we work on rebuilding this, not only for our own sake, but for our kids; they’re watching very carefully.

Listener Question
How can I help my children navigate the extreme different values and morals of their two households?

The first word that comes to me is honesty. We help them navigate it by being honest, always respectful—as much as we can be of our co-parent: “Dad and I see this differently when you’re at his house, there may be things that he says that I wouldn’t agree with. And maybe when you’re here, I’m going to say things dad wouldn’t agree with.” Be respectful. “And if you ever need to talk about this or feel unsafe, tell me. Let me know and we’ll talk it through.” But I haven’t shrunk back from conversations with my kids. They’re older now. And so if they would notice that discrepancy in the difference in values, it was distressing. I would emphasize the need for God to be part of our lives and going to church and they would say to me, “Dad doesn’t care about any of that. Why do you care, mom?” And I would answer honestly, “This is why I care.” If you can be honest and respectful and allow your children explore with a lot of curiosity so that they can come to you with what they notice, it will provide space to have the conversations that let you express your values with them truthfully, and make room for the reality that there’s going to be some conflict there.

I like “respectfully” being honest and not dragging the other person’s name through the mud, as tempting as that can be at times, especially when you’re mad. Jax (10) watched a really scary movie at his dad’s house. And I was livid because I know he does not deal well with that. But, I’ve also dealt with the fact that he has some friends and one friend in particular whose parents don’t care if their kids watch scary movies. But I would never drag his friend’s parents’ name through the mud explaining to him why he can’t watch scary movies over there. So [it’s important] to think, “How would I talk about this if it was somebody completely different who I actually don’t mind? They’re great people and great parents.”

Jax was away at a friend’s house and he asked for a really scary haunty app on his iPad. And I said, “No, you’re not getting that.” He’s like, “Well, I’ve played it before at my grandma’s house, and my cousin (who’s a lot older than him) let me play it on her iPad. And it’s not that bad mom, I promise.” And he is trying to give me all the reasons he should be able to do this. And I was like, “No, I’m sorry. For one thing, your anxiety does not allow for you to be able to have this and be healthy. I need to protect you from being anxious. It’s only going to feed anxiety, and you don’t need that in your life. So my answer is still the same. You’re not getting a scary thing.” 

Tammy Daughtry, who’s just great at co-parenting says when you’re talking to your kids about different things at different houses, frame it in your mind as different countries. You’re not saying their culture is wrong. You’re not saying it’s right. You listen attentively, and then you’re like, “I get that. That’s what they do there. That’s not what we do here. In India, they eat with their hands, all their food, with their hands. That’s not what we do here. I’m not saying it’s wrong. We’re not going to do that.”

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